February 1st, 2001
Dear Small Game Developer,
Hello there. I am Anonymous Adventure Fan. I read today that you are going to be developing an adventure game. Being the huge devoted fan of the genre that I am, I was very excited to hear this. All of the companies that used to make good adventure games are greedy suckbag sellouts and don’t care about their true fans anymore, so it’s nice to hear someone still wants to develop adventures. I look forward to your game.
February 15th, 2001
I read the announcement about the name of your game today, and I’m concerned. It sounds like just another boring, pointless shoot-em-up with a story. I realize that absolutely nothing about the game has been announced, but I think the title makes it clear the direction you’re going, and the last thing we need is another crappy hybrid. I hope you’ll rethink this direction, or I won’t buy the game.
April 10th, 2001
Today I read the preview of your game online. I think it’s a really stupid story. It’s not at all how I would have written it. The preview says that it will be a purist adventure, completely free of action elements, but you chose to use Interface XYZ for the game. What a dumb idea. That interface is impossible to use, no matter how it’s implemented. I prefer Interface ZYX, and this announcement confirms that your game will not be very good.
June 1st, 2001
Thank you for releasing screen shots on your website today. Took you long enough. Not like we’ve been waiting four months or anything. Anyway, I’ve never had any experience with art, especially computer art, but those shots sure looked amateur. The quality was terrible, the character looked really stupid, and it was just generally so bad my eyes hurt when I was done looking. And can’t you add some more detail to those backgrounds?
August 8th, 2001
Dear Suckbag Sellout,
Way to go, screwups. The short teaser demo of the game confirmed that it will be absolutely terrible. Why did you think that we would want to see any part of the game before it’s ready to be released? And why is it so far away from release anyway? What’s a matter, forty hours a week is too much for you guys? I don’t know anything about your company or your staff, but you’re obviously slackers. And can’t this demo be any longer? It’s like, just when I’m really interested in what happens next, it ends!
I have a few more complaints for you. First of all, the animation sucks. I think I heard my GeForce 4 Ti card yawn, it was so underused. It’s not 1999 anymore, guys! When I shell out $400 for a video card, I expect new games to take advantage of it. I won’t enjoy the game otherwise, and I’m sure I speak for all other adventure gamers.
Also, the voice acting is terrible. Whatever you paid this Jack Johnson to do the main character’s voice, he sounds nothing like how I think the character should sound. I see someone more like Kevin Spacey in the main role; I would think that much should be obvious. If you’re not willing to pay the big bucks for real voice actors, why bother making a game? I realize you’re a brand new startup company without any money making this game because you love the genre, but isn’t that what banks are for?
The story’s okay, I guess. But I told you the interface would bring everything down, and I was right. Look, we all know your game’s going to be another suckfest like King’s Quest:Mask of Sellout, or Indiana Jones and the Corporate Greed Machine. I am circulating a petition to boycott your game. Please don’t bother finishing it. I already hate it.
I Knew It Would Suck,
March 15th, 2002
Dear New Favorite Company,
I read today that a sequel to your first adventure game has been announced, and that because so many people purchased that first game after the reviews were so glowing, you’re going to have a much bigger budget for this game, plus you have ideas for new adventure games. I just wanted to tell you that I had confidence you would be able to fix the problems and create such a quality game. It’s nice to see that some developers still realize that the story and characters are the only important parts of an adventure game. I hope you never forget that adventure gamers will always be your most loyal and devoted fans, as long as you don’t sell out. Looking forward to your future projects!
Your Biggest Supporter,
March 16th, 2002
Okay, the first game was a masterpiece, but I have some concerns about this new one…