[stepurhan]

Bad (and surreal) jokes from The Surrealist Bad Joke creator (with the subject "an Adventure Gamer")

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite drink?
An Adventure Gamerryade

Where does an Adventure Gamer go on holiday?
An Adventure Gamerbia and Montenegro

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite dessert?
Lemon An Adventure Gameringue Pie

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite album?
Never Mind The Bollocks An Adventure Gamere's The Sex Pistols

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite book?
The Satanic An Adventure Gamerses

Who is an Adventure Gamer's favourite poet?
An Adventure Gamercy Bysshe Shelley

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite film?
Amores An Adventure Gamerros

What's an Adventure Gamer's favourite film?
An Adventure Gamerminator 2: Judgment Day

[jacog]

Heh, man that's painful!

Adventure Gamerminator? There's something appealing about that.

[stepurhan]

Lessons in Management

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lessons Three - Five

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons -

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[lumi]

A woman went to the grocery store and bought: a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a loaf of bread, and a head of lettuce. The clerk rung up her items, noting each item and as she was paying, he remarked, "You're single, aren't you?" The woman, startled, looked over her groceries and, not finding any indication of her singlehood, looked up said, "How could you know?" The clerk replied,

Spoiler:

"Because you're ugly."

[stepurhan]

Trouble brewing.



This cartoon is from the Daily comic "Brevity" I got it from this site which has a very reasonable Daily Comics by e-mail service I can heartily recommend.

[stepurhan]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and
made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to
buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And no-one thought I had De Gaulle to post this joke)

[Hammerite]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Chester Crosham The Chester Chicken Shagger.

[stepurhan]

A World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down
the High St. one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop
for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers
that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few
copies are available in store there and then.

Naturally, being a World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have
a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" A few seconds later the
World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one
of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled
expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the
counter and catches the young sales person's attention.

"Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World renowned expert in the sounds of
European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around
the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are
no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks
the recording in question and assures the World renowned expert in the
sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds
from around the Globe".

Puzzled, the World renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps
returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there.
"Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a World renowned
expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to
"Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are
no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been
listening to the correct recording?"

Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently
playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:

"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

[RLacey]

*guffaw*™

[Melanie68]

I've always found this funny (and painful to read because it's true). It's made its way around but this is from the original author (I believe):

Hey kids! Want to learn about the joys of pursuing a higher education? Then check out the newest toy from Mattel: Grad Student Barbie!

Graduate School Barbie comes in two forms: Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm). Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun filled features guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

- Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face that turns into a frown after 2 weeks of research or her first advisor meeting (whichever comes first).

- Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes.

- Comes with two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans and 5 year old gap T-shirt, and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go F*!k Yourself" T-shirt.

- Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases like, "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow" "I'd love to write it all over again" and "Why the hell didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $35,000 a year by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's. But noooooo, Mom and dad wanted a doctorate in the family. I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd have an excuse to stop working on my degree that's sucking every last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)

-Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct to teach kids about the exciting changes that come with pursuing a higher education. Removable panels on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries to a crispy brown, her heart race 150 beats per minute, and her stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing. Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts: just add a little water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears at random intervals. Delux Grad School Barbie comes with a "Snap" button, bendable arms and legs, and a small vibrating motor. Press the button to watch Barbie crumple into the fetal position and tremble uncontrollably. Fun for the whole family!

Other accessories include:

-Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm) Well stocked with microwave popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!), and small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm)

-Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet. Comes in Fabulous pink and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet not available without a prescription)

-Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation with (Mountain Dew deposit not included in price, tech support sold separately)

And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!

GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest for increased education and decreased self esteem. Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver such wisdom to Barbie as "I need an update on your progress" "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate yet" and "This is nowhere near ready for publication." Buy 3 or more dolls, and you can have Barbie's Defense Committee! (Palm Pilot and tenure sold separately.)

REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job after getting her bachelor degree. Press the button to hear Real Job Skipper say, "Sometimes wish I went for my masters degree" and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!" Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe and Savings account sold separately. WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.

[lumi]

Do you by chance read Piled High and Deeper?

[Squinky]

Mel, that's hilarious, particularly as I'm currently at a point where I'm divided between grad school or working after I finish undergrad this year. (I'm still heavily leaning towards grad school, though.)

[Melanie68]

Originally Posted by lumi

Do you by chance read Piled High and Deeper?

Yes I do! That comic speaks the truth.

[SSH]

My 2-year-old daughter's favourite joke:


Knock knock!

Who's there?

Boo!

Boo who?

Don't cry, it's only a joke

[Kurufinwe]

Melanie's joke has reminded me of that old one (sorry if you all already know it):


The Lord of the Rings: an allegory of the PhD?

The story starts with Frodo: a young hobbit, quite bright, a bit dissatisfied with what he's learnt so far and with his mates back home who just seem to want to get jobs and settle down and drink beer. He's also very much in awe of his tutor and mentor, the very senior professor Gandalf, so when Gandalf suggests he take on a short project for him (carrying the Ring to Rivendell), he agrees.

Frodo very quickly encounters the shadowy forces of fear and despair which will haunt the rest of his journey and leave permanent scars on his psyche, but he also makes some useful friends. In particular, he spends an evening down the pub with Aragorn, who has been wandering the world for many years as Gandalf's postdoc and becomes his adviser when Gandalf isn't around.

After Frodo has completed his first project, Gandalf (along with head of department Elrond) proposes that the work should be extended. He assembles a large research group, including visiting students Gimli and Legolas, the foreign postdoc Boromir, and several of Frodo's own friends from his undergraduate days. Frodo agrees to tackle this larger project, though he has mixed feelings about it. ("'I will take the Ring', he said, 'although I do not know why.'")

Very rapidly, things go wrong. First, Gandalf disappears and has no more interaction with Frodo until everything is over. (Frodo assumes his supervisor is dead: in fact, he's simply found a more interesting topic and is working on that instead.) At his first international conference in Lorien, Frodo is cross-questioned terrifyingly by Galadriel, and betrayed by Boromir, who is anxious to get the credit for the work himself. Frodo cuts himself off from the rest of his team: from now on, he will only discuss his work with Sam, an old friend who doesn't really understand what it's all about, but in any case is prepared to give Frodo credit for being rather cleverer than he is. Then he sets out towards Mordor.

The last and darkest period of Frodo's journey clearly represents the writing-up stage, as he struggles towards Mount Doom (submission), finding his burden growing heavier and heavier yet more and more a part of himself; more and more terrified of failure; plagued by the figure of Gollum, the student who carried the Ring before him but never wrote up and still hangs around as a burnt-out, jealous shadow; talking less and less even to Sam. When he submits the Ring to the fire, it is in desperate confusion rather than with confidence, and for a while the world seems empty.

Eventually it is over: the Ring is gone, everyone congratulates him, and for a few days he can convince himself that his troubles are over. But there is one more obstacle to overcome: months later, back in the Shire, he must confront the external examiner Saruman, an old enemy of Gandalf, who seeks to humiliate and destroy his rival's protege. With the help of his friends and colleagues, Frodo passes through this ordeal, but discovers at the end that victory has no value left for him. While his friends return to settling down and finding jobs and starting families, Frodo remains in limbo; finally, along with Gandalf, Elrond and many others, he joins the brain drain across the Western ocean to the new land beyond.

[Melanie68]

I still LOVE IT!

[stepurhan]

They feel lightweight against LOTR PhD but here is a selection of jokes brought to you by the number two.


Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."


Two atoms are talking:
"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"


Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?"
And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"


Two Pretzels were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.


Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion per passenger is allowed."


Two cows were in a field. One cow says, "Mooooo." The other says, "Jerk. I was going to say that."


Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."


Two men were walking through the desert. They were nearly out of water when they saw three tents in the distance. The hurried over to see if they could get some water. In the first tent they were told, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." In the second tent, again, "I'm sorry we only have trifle." They went into the third tent and again asked for water only to be told, "I'm sorry we only sell trifle." As they walked on, one turned to the other and said, "That was a trifle bazaar."

[Jelena]

Originally Posted by stepurhan

Two grains of sand were walking together in the desert. Suddenly, one turned to the other and said, "Dude, I think we're being followed."

[Squinky]

This one was my favourite:

Originally Posted by stepurhan

Two atoms are talking:
"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

[lumi]

Military Rules

U.S. Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

U.S. Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

U.S. Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch porn.
4. Deploy the Marines.