[ssa]

English exercises!

Beginners level: "Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?"

Advanced level: "Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?"

Expert level: "Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?"


(you should try writing it as well)

[ssa]

Here's one for the men:

A man was out testing his brand new Porsche. Roof down, wind in the hair, foot on the gas pedal, enjoying life. Suddenly there's a siren. To much wind must have frozen his brains, cause he actually thinks he can outrun the police.

After a short while he comes to his senses, "What the .... am I doing?". He pulls over and the police car overtakes him.

The police man comes over, starts...then stops and gives the man a hard stare before saying: Look here, I've had a really looong day and this is the end of my shift. If you can come up with something to make my day brighter...I'll let you off.

The man thinks for 3 seconds then says: My wife left me last week with a police officer. I thought he wanted to return her.

The police man wished him a nice day and drove off.


And one for the ladies:

Notes from a happily married man:

After 20 years of marriage I looked at my wife and reminisced on our life together. I said to her:
- Darling, 20 years ago we lived in a cheap appartment, slept in a to small bed, we hardly had any food in the fridge and no teve. But I went to bed with an incredibly hot and willing 20 year old.
Now I have a luxurious villa, 3 cars, huge bed, gourmet food and a 50 inch widescreen teve. But I go to bed with a tired 42 year old. Honey! As far as I can see you're not keeping up with the development in our relationship!
My wife, whom is a very sensible woman, answers me reassuringly:
- Sweetheart, you just find yourself a hot willing 20 year old, and I'll make sure you'll get back your cheap appartment, small bed, empty fridge and no teve!

[Intrepid Homoludens]

"Hic."

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don't, as Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia Coli (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting, thereby annihilating any and all germs.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

[Jatsie]

I like that, because I'm a drunk... *hic-up*

Hehe.

[Not A Speck Of Cereal]

I'm up for that, so put me down for it <takes a hit of his scotch>.

[hic-up]

[Jelena]

That's good to know Trep!
*takes another sip of chilled white wine*

[Squinky]

I'll stick with my feces, thank you.

[tsa]

Me too. BTW, bad bad water do you have there!

[Not A Speck Of Cereal]

[Squinky]

Uh... this is the "LOL!" thread, not the "eww!" thread.

[stepurhan]

Jesus, being a decent sort of boss, does a shift on the pearly gates one day so that St Peter can take a break. Whilst he's there an old man comes shuffling up.

"What have you done in life to earn a place in Heaven?", Jesus asks.

"I was but a simple carpenter.", the old man replies "but I had a son. My son had a strange birth, and an amazing life and an astonishing death."

"Father!" Jesus cries, and gives the old man a big hug.

The old man hugs him back, then holds him at arms length and says.

"Pinocchio?"

[Intrepid Homoludens]

A man boarded a plane with his 6 kids. After they all got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from the man leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of these kids yours?"

He replied, "No, Ma'am. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

----------

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

But just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch."

The bird then smiles and declares, "It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Do Pre-school boys make good husbands?

[Intrepid Homoludens]

A young couple, newly married and settled in, was too embarrassed to say the word 'sex' or even 'make love'. So they agreed to use a code term - 'do the laundry', as in working their washing machine - and it turned out successful.

One night, as they lay in bed in pajamas and nightgown, the wife turned to hubby and asked, "Honey, would you like to do the laundry tonight?"

The man coolly replied, "No, dear, it's just a small load. I'll do it by hand."

[stepurhan]

Someone tried to get me to invest in a guy that wears a leather jacket, starts jukeboxes by kicking them and says "Heeeeey!!!" a lot.

Turns out it was some sort of Fonzie scheme.

I came up with this one but it probably makes no sense to you if you don't have some interest in finance.

[rlpw]

*snicker*

[Intrepid Homoludens]

LOLCAT du jour:




You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain

PS: While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a wind storm. Just thought you should know .

[SoccerDude28]

[rlpw]

That is wrong on several different counts

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Whoever said there was anything right about Chuck Norris? #birther