The LOL! thread (formerly known as Joke Central)
 

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?!"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but was it me who started the Jokes Central trend back in the old AGs days? How glad I am to see it lives that long :D

:confused: :confused:

:eek: :eek:

*D *D

:D :D

Trep, you just made my day! There's just nothing like weight-lifting snatch, socker-playing Dicks, and tennis-balls kissing to get you through another boring day at work. Isn't English just a woderful language? Kind of makes you think of Gerore Carlin's seven dirty words routine:

Big Guns, Little Brains

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, Oct. 10, 1995.

CANADIANS: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision."

AMERICANS: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid a collision."

CANADIANS: "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the south to avoid a collision."

AMERICANS: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course."

CANADIANS: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course!"

AMERICANS: "This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest
ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that
you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five
degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the
safety of this ship!"

CANADIANS: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Since I'm lazy I'm going to post a couple of links:

This one is in Swedish, but I believe that you can get the general idea without understanding everything they say:
New Mobile

Here's one for everyone that likes that little paperclip helper in MS Word:
Paper Clip

So a mayor of a small town is lying in bed with his wife, and he turns to her and asks if she's ever cheated on him.

"I have to admit," she says, "that I've cheated on you three times."

"Three times?!?" says the mayor, "When?!?"

"Well, remember when we needed a loan for the mortgage, and I went in to convince the banker myself? That was the first time."

"And the second?"

"Well, when you had your bypass surgery, we had no insurance to cover it, so I went in and convinced the doctor to operate on you for free."

"Okay, so what's the third time?" says the mayor, a little relieved that his wife was thinking of him each time.

"Well, when you ran for mayor, you were behind by 300 votes."

21 Questions
 

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of"assteroids"?
10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
11. Have you ever noticed that when you are driving, everyone who drives slower than you is an idiot and everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac?
12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
13. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. Have you ever noticed that here in America, we park on the driveways and drive on the parkways?

A rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and says, "What is this, a joke?!!"

A camel and an elephant went into a bar. The elephant started laughing uncontrollably.

Camel: What's so funny?
Elephant: hahahhahahah
Camel: I don't get it. What's so funny?
Elephant: Dude you have 2 boobs on your back.
Camel: Well at least I don't have a d*** for a mouth :)

Ok this is pretty controversial :)

A muslim, a catholic and a jew had a very close common friend. Their friend died in a car accident and all three of them were grieving for his departure.

They all went to the graveyard to pay their tribute and say their final goodbyes.

The muslim guy approached the tomb, took out $500 in cash and placed it on the coffin. He explained that this is a tribute for their friend in heaven. Seeing the generosity of the muslim guy, The christian guy went next, took out $1000 in cash and placed it on top of the $500 already there.

The jew went last, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for a million dollars, placed it on the tomb and collected the $1500 already there.

In a quiet friendly town in suburban America, 3 Polish guys were discussing a very serious issue. There was a pothole in a major intersection that has caused serious car accidents and injuries as of late. The 3 polish guys were in a heated debate as to how to solve this catastrophe:

Polish guy #1: I suggest we place an ambulance right next to the intersection. If any injuries happen, we can carry the injured people to the ambulance and drive them to the hospital in haste. That way we don't have to wait for the ambulance to arrive here, and we don't lose valuable time.

Polish guy #2: Brilliant but not smart enough. What about the time it takes the ambulance to drive back to the hospital? I suggest that we build a hospital right on the intersection. This way we just carry the injured right to the hospital.

Polish guy #3: Placing an ambulance right next to an intersection? Building a hospital? You guys are such morons. It is really simple. I suggest we lower the whole level of the town to be at the same level as the pothole.

After watching Boogie Nights, I looked at the forums from imdb.com and I found one of the funniest threads in history: "FUNNIEST PORN TITLES". What you'll find there is a big collection of actual titles of porn movies. Most of them are paraphrased versions of real movies, like Gadiate Her, or A Clockwork Orgy.

First Place: Weapons of Ass Destruction
Second Place: F.C.K. - The Only Thing Missing is You
Third Place: Lord of the G-Strings

Honorable Mentions:
There's Something In and Out of Mary
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang
The Porn Identity
The Whole Nine Inches
Malcolm XXX
Shaving Ryan's Privates
Gang-bangs of New York
Crouching Uncle, Hidden Camera

You can check out all the names on http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118749/board/nest/7947189

I came across this site below, that offers some advice well worth considering...

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/simon.w...s_for_life.htm

Heh that's some pretty funny shit guys! Keep posting!

What always cracks me up is Dave Chapelle (especially his Prince skit, Black Bush, Black White Supremacist and Tyrone the crackhead are the best). Here are some of his skits, most of you Americans probably already know this so I'm posting it for the rest :) And there was this really funny Dutch site which featured alot of hilarious stuff and videos/skits, but I can't find the link.

The latest souvenir from Neverland:

Here remember these next time you fly!

Accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers
around the world.

================================================== ==

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

================================================== ==

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

============= =========================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f#&king bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f#&king bored, not f#&king stupid!"

================================================== ====

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little okker in sight."

================================================== ====

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

================================================== ====

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was
the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

================================================== ====

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

================================================== ====

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206 Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark......and I
didn't land."

================================================== ====

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?!!"

"Yes...ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

=================================================

I read a story a long time ago about a pilot who would say to the tower
in Biloxi "Guess who?"

After this happened a few times, someone turned off the runway lights and said "Biloxi, guess where?"

================================================== =

On a United flight from Cleveland descending into SFO, the captain
allegedly said: "Please return your flight attendants to their original upright
positions."

During a debate in Britain's House of Lords, one of lords insulted another and was asked to give an apology. The lord stood up and said, "I called the Right Honourable Lord a thief and a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. And the Right Honourable Lord may punctuate as he pleases."


-----


Oscar Wilde was reknowned for his ability to converse on any subject imaginable. Once, at a dinner party, some of his companions decide to test this: "What would be a good subject...how about the Queen. Yes, the Queen!"

Oscar Wilde was quiet for a moment, then looked up and said, "The Queen...is not a subject."

Why Parents Have Grey Hair

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a Youngster
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

"No," the small voice whispered again.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child. "A policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman."

Growing concerned and even worried when he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?!", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "Wow! The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Now alarmed, concerned and anxious the boss asked, "What are they searching for?!!"

Still whispering, the little kid giggled and said: "Me."

----------

George Carlin On Martha Stewart

"Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, and Kobe Bryant are still walking around free...Osama bin Laden too...but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard and haul her ass off to jail!!!"

These are all from the Vicar of Dibley:

A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door. She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man." So she lets him come into the bathroom. The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to put the blinds?"

************************************************** *******

Three nuns die and end up at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter says that before they can enter, they must first each answer a question. To the first he asks " who were the first humans?" She says "Adam and Eve" and he lets her in. To the second he asks "where did they live?" She says "In the garden of Eden" and she too is admitted. Then he asks the third, "what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" She replies "My goodness that's a hard one" and he opens the gate once again.

************************************************** *******

A vicar and his friend are playing golf. His friend misses a three foot putt and says "damn! missed the bugger!" The vicar is shocked by his language and tells him that God will strike him down if he keeps on cursing. The friend laughs and says the same thing when he misses the next shot. Suddenly, there is a bolt from the sky and the vicar is struck dead! Then a voice out of the heavens calls "Damn! Missed the bugger!"

LOL! Those were good, Melanie. :P