[Giligan]

That's priceless. And true.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he preferred to have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. Do you seriously freaking think I wanna take that chance?!"

______________


The Wii may be hazardous. Play at your own risk.

______________




Dearborn, Michigan's finest?

[Harald B]

Albert Einstein was holding a series of talks on relativity theory all across the US. Since it was basically the same talk over and over again, he and his driver (who would watch from the back of the crowd each time) got increasingly bored as time passed, until one day they hatched a scheme: the driver would give the next talk, disguised as Einstein. Meanwhile Einstein would sit in the back disguised as the driver.
They managed to get through the talk itself well enough, but then the questions started coming in. Eventually a very complex question came up which the driver had no idea how to answer. Unrattled, he said "That question seems very difficult, but actually isn't. My driver will answer it for you.".

[stepurhan]

QUESTION:
How do you tell the difference between a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

ANSWER:
Pose the following question -

You're down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?.

UK Police Officer answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-9-9?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and will I lose my family home?

Australian Police Officer Answer:

BANG!

American Police Officer Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click... (sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.

[Squinky]

I actually thought the American answer would be something like "What? Those aren't my wife and kids!"

[SSH]

A real brit wouldn't be carrying a gun.

[stepurhan]

Originally Posted by SSH

A real brit wouldn't be carrying a gun.

Originally Posted by stepurhan

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway.....

Already covered.

[stepurhan]

Accountant Jokes. All completely untrue of course.

* * * * *

Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

* * * * *

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The accountant said, "I like both.

"Both?"

The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

* * * * *

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

* * * * *

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess; that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

* * * * *

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commissioner of Stamp Duties (Queensland), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

[Squinky]

Some of those could definitely apply to programmers, too.

[tsa]

I liked the one about the glass being too big.

When is a bus not a bus?
When it turns into a street.

[stepurhan]

So going to be in trouble for this one.

Interesting new store format called the "Husband Store" has opened in New
York. Needless to say, the store sells Husbands.When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you
CANNOT go back down except to exit the building"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[stepurhan]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that woul be
just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.


"What would they want with a plasterer?

[stepurhan]

A whole bunch of quickies.

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle write off.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.
I couldn't put it down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing
Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a
vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said onthe packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke
who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you
think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them
"Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,
"Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and
he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into
a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said
"I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while
balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?" I said,
"I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[SoccerDude28]

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythological creatures.

[SoccerDude28]

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You can't afford any.

---------------------------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[SoccerDude28]

Some Chuck Norris Jokes

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the boogeyman.
The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because killing somebody with a knife is too easy.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Three times.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

[lumi]

Sorry if this was posted already; I haven't kept up with this thread:

One day the old man Seamus was considering the lot of his life. He sat at the pub nursing his fifteenth Guinness of the evening and proudly proclaimed for all to hear, "Look at the lot of you! Do you know who built this pub? I did! I laid the foundation down with my own bare hands, cut the wood, laid the floor, built the walls, made the door, nailed it all together I did. It took time, but I got the roof and put the roof over this here building! But do they call me Seamus the Pub Builder? Ach, no..."

The others would've stirred at such a speech, but all knew where the tirade was headed.

Seamus continued, "You know the bridge you crossed to get over the river so you could get to the pub! Do you know who built that bridge? I did! I gathered all the stones together from miles around, organizing them by size and shape until I could the the basic shaped of the bridge in place. I mortared and plastered the stones in place until the bridge was set to cross that river! But do they call me Seamus the Bridge Builder? Ach, no..."

Seamus started again, "The fighting clans! Do you know who brought them together and got them to stop fighting, until peace was had? I did! But do they call me Seamus the Peace Maker? Ach, no..."

"Not the pub builder, not the bridge maker, and not the peace maker am I...

Spoiler:

But you screw ONE little goat!"

[tsa]

That's a naughty one Reminds me of Theo van Gogh...

[ssa]

Something to start your day with:

http://www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

[ssa]

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the Woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," h e informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says thewoman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.