[rlpw]

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

[lumi]

A classic, best in visual form.

[jacog]

A guy is sitting at the bar one very quiet night. The bartender decides to start up a conversation...

Bartender: "Soooo, what do you do for a living?"

Guy: "I am a student... I am writing my thesis on Deductive Reasoning."

Bartender: "Very interesting, what does that entail?"

Guy: "Deductive Reasoning? Well... let me give you an example... do you own a fish tank?"

Bartender: "Yeah, sure, I do."

Guy: "Well, we can deduce that you like fishes, and it means you probably also like animals, and if you like animals, you probably like babies, and if you like babies, you obviously like women."

Bartender: "Faaaascinating!"

Later that evening, the bartender starts up a chat with another dude...

Bartender: "There was this guy here earlier... faascinating.. he studies 'deductive reasoning' "

Dude: "Oh? And what is that?"

Bartender: "Ah! Let me give you an example... Do you own a fish tank?"

Dude: "No."

...

Bartender: ... "It means you're gay!"

[Squinky]

But... but that's not deductive reasoning! It's not even inductive reasoning, either!

[stepurhan]

I plug something in and electricity flows. That's conductive reasoning.

Some quickies from "The Biggest Book of Stupid Jokes in the Universe"

"Who's been eating my porridge?" squeaked Baby Bear
"Who's been eating my porridge?" cried Mother Bear
"Burp" said Father Bear

* * *

What should you give short elves?
Elf raising flour.

* * *

Did you hear about the man who tried to iron his curtains?
He fell out the window.

* * *

What do vampires gamble with?
Stake money.

* * *

Where do geologists go for fun?
Rock concerts.

* * *

Why do barbers make good drivers?
They know all the short cuts.

[jacog]

Originally Posted by Squinky

But... but that's not deductive reasoning! It's not even inductive reasoning, either!

You pick nits like a baboon. And thats not good grammer neither with them double negitivs!

[ssa]

This is an old one, so hopefully most of you haven't heard it.

One day a man walks in a bar accompanied by a cat and an ostrich. Well...the ostrich offcourse got a few glances but urban people mostly know to mind their own business and soon moved on to what they were doing.

The trio proceeded up to the bar where the man asked the others what they were having. This got a slightly raised eyebrow from the barkeeper but no more. The ostrich said he'd have a pint of lager and the cat replied half a bitter. Man ordered 2 pints of lager and half a bitter got the beers and they all sat down at a table.

A while later it was the ostrich turn to buy so he ordered the same again.

Shortly the cat rose and said: "Sorry guys I have to go to the loo." And off he went.
The ostrich glanced at the man who gave a knowing nod back and said: "Yeah, I know I've had it with him too. He does that everytime it's his turn to buy rounds. Tell you what, we'll just leave him out this time." So the guy walks up to the bartender and orders two pints of lager.

However, the bartender, who's been keeping a close watch all this time, now that he's got the man on his own, can no longer hold his tongue: "Hey man! I've seen some things, but this is too much. A man bringing a cat and an ostrich in to the bar isn't too bad. Them all drinking beer, that to I can handle. But them all sitting down talking...Come on! You've got to tell me your story."

The man looks up at him with a sad smile and says: "Alright, just poor the beers and I'll tell you."

It was a rainy night. I was home alone with not much to do so I picked up a book. Suddenly I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I opend and could hardly believe my eyes. On my porch stood the saddest looking angel I know you've never seen. It was soaking wet and one of its wings was nearly torn off. I asked it in and sat it down by the fire. Then I got the superglue out and fixed its wing.The angel was so grateful it said it would grant any wish I might have.

...so I asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

[Not A Speck Of Cereal]

There was a dire emergency in Gotham City! The call went out to all the super heroes, who quickly appeared in the Mayors office to see if they could help.

However, they noticed some missing, Superman in particular. They decided to waited for the missing members for awhile.

Suddenly, Clark Kent's alter ego slides in through the window feet first and lands amongst them.

"Holy tardiness Superman, what was the hold up?", asked Robin.

"Well, I heard the call and was flying here at top speed, when suddenly I saw Wonder Woman below me in the park, laying on her back. She had her panties down and my super human hearing could hear her call up my way "Come for me, come for me!"

"Heaven forbid", cried Batman, "what did you do?!"

"I did what anyone from my planet would do and obliged. I swooped down (loosening my belt as I dropped from altitude) and was most certainly a 'Man of Steel' when I dove down to her!"

"Wow", cried Spiderman, "she must have been overwhelmed!"

"No, but the Invisible Man was mighty surprised."

[stepurhan]

Courtesy of my wife's book reading forum (Girl's Own School Stories. Members are commonly referred to as GOers. )

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing on the loch and
settles down for a nap. Although she is not terrifically familiar with the
loch, his wife decides to take the boat back out onto the loch, motoring
out for a short distance before settling down to read her book

Along comes the local game keeper in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she
replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing
Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry" she says, "but I'm not fishing. I'm
reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment in the boat. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to accompany you back to shore and
issue you with a fine."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game keeper.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day," he says, motoring off.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads (Sound advice I assure you)

[Squinky]

I love that joke.

[tsa]

That was a good joke. I must remember it.

I'm not very good at jokes, but I liked this one:

When is a bus not a bus?
When it turns into a street.

[Trumgottist]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

[stepurhan]

Did you hear about the two boys caught eating batteries and fireworks?

One was charged and the other was let off.

[Trumgottist]

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

[stepurhan]

How many AGers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But first they have to get a newspaper and pencil so they can poke the key out of the keyhole of the light bulb storage room, then slide some crates around until they can climb up to the bulb socket and finally solve a sliding puzzle to actually turn it on again.

[SnorkleCat]

Originally Posted by Trumgottist

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

hah hah

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swahllar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd o' that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[Jelena]

That was a GOOD ONE!

I did laugh out loud!

[Intrepid Homoludens]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had a lot of paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[stepurhan]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.


A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."


A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."