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Old 03-24-2007, 04:10 AM   #81
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Not A Speck Of Cereal View Post
That's it--I want my 15 seconds back!
I'm really hoping you didn't try reading the Purple Wombat joke then.

You might want to give this one a miss as well.

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."
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Old 03-24-2007, 07:09 AM   #82
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Ha ha ha....I think....
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Old 03-24-2007, 10:08 AM   #83
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That's brilliant.
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Old 03-24-2007, 04:20 PM   #84
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Heh. I actually like that one.
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Old 03-26-2007, 04:43 AM   #85
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I just bought a book called "1001 Really Stupid Jokes". It was from a charity shop so it was for a good cause. Here's a sample.

* * * * *

What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit.

* * * * *

There once was a little puppy called May that always started fights with animals bigger than herself. One day she started a fight with a lion. The next day was the first day of June.

Spoiler:
Because that was the end of May.

* * * * *

Whats black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down a hill.

* * * * *

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
Roost Beef.

* * * * *

What did Tarzan say when he saw the mosters coming?
Here come the monsters.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the monsters coming wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn't recognise them.

* * * * *

What is a cows favourite love song?
When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

* * * * *

Why do ostriches have such long necks?
Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

* * * * *

Why did Cinderella get thrown out of the netball team?
She kept running away from the ball.
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Old 03-26-2007, 05:01 AM   #86
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Have mercy Step
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Old 03-26-2007, 09:42 AM   #87
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Those are great Step; I can tell my daughter a couple of those.

Speaking of my daughter...... she told me a joke that I told her a while back. It was just funny to hear her tell the joke and laugh at the punch line before she said it.

Here it is...


How do you make a Kleenex dance?

You put a little boogie in it
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Old 03-26-2007, 03:15 PM   #88
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^ That one's a classic.
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:39 AM   #89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bulldog View Post
Those are great Step; I can tell my daughter a couple of those.
It's good to have a clean joke once in a while.
Quote:
How do you make a Kleenex dance?

You put a little boogie in it
Or a joke that's a very particular sort of dirty.
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:43 AM   #90
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stepurhan View Post
It's good to have a clean joke once in a while.
Or a joke that's a very particular sort of dirty.
teehee.... gives Step a snog
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:51 AM   #91
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Not the three pieces of string and an orange version (I had a book with it in but I can't find it) but I think this is a variant of the joke Trumgottist was asking about.

A man, let's call him Trevor, is driving through rural Wales, to visit family. As he's driving along, a silly moose walks right out in front of him. In a state of panic, he swerves and crashes into a ditch.

"Oh no!" cries Trevor. "What on earth am I going to do?"

Poor Trevor tries to clear his head, when there's a tap on the window. Trevor jumps, and turns to face a friendly looking monk smiling at him.

"Hello, my friend!" says the welsh monk. "I can see you're in a spot of bother."

"I most certainly am!" replied Trevor. "I don't know the first thing about fixing cars."

The welsh monk beamed at him. "Lucky I'm here then! Come back to the monastery and we'll get you fixed up."

The monk took Trevor and his car to the monastery, where he was given a hearty supper and a comfortable bed for the night.

As the monk showed Trevor his room, Trevor noticed a wooden box in the corner, with a lock on it.

"What's in that box?" said Trevor to the monk.

"Sorry boyo, but you have to be a monk to know what's in the box. Goodnight!"

Trevor didn't sleep that night. his curiosity overwhelmed him; he wanted to know what was in the box!

In the morning, the monks had his car fixed, gave him a full breakfast and saw him on his way.

He couldn't stop thinking about the box, and before long, being a man of insatiable curiosity, Trevor returned to the monastery. He marched up to the head monk and announced;

"I want to become a monk! I must know what's in the box!"

The chief monk replied; "Alright, but first you must complete three years of monk training."

"I'll do it," Trevor said.

"Very well," said the monk. "The first year is a year of silence."

And Trevor spent a year in silence, which became very frustrating when the monk said "Now who wants an ice-cream? Say yes if you do!" But Trevor fought it out. After his year of silence, he approached the head monk.

"My year of silence is finished," he said.

"Well done, boyo," said the head monk. "Now you must endure a year of pain."

And poor Trevor spent a whole year walking on hot coals for 8 hours a day. Sometimes he felt like giving up, but the thought of the box kept him going.
When he had finished his year of pain, he again approached the head monk.
"You're doing well! Only one more year left. A year of torture."

And for a whole year, Trevor had to tolerate the monks saying the word "poo" in his ear , repeatedly, which drove him to the edge of his sanity. But every time he felt it was too much, he thought to himself; "I've come too far now. Soon I will know. Soon."

At the end of his year of torture, Trevor approached the head monk.
"I have completed my year of torture," he said.

"You have done well, my friend. Your training is complete. You are now a monk."

Trevor asked, "Can I see what's inside the box now?"

The head monk beamed.

"Yes, boyo."

The monks gathered in the small room. Candles were lit for atmosphere. The head monk presented Trevor with a key.

The monks crowded round as Trevor slid the key into the lock, and turned it
until it clicked open. He removed the lock and lifted the lid of the box.

Do you want to know what's in the box?







Do you really want to know?








Well, I'm sorry, but...













You have to be a monk to find out!
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Old 03-27-2007, 10:50 AM   #92
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These are actual comic panels from nineteen-oh-longago... puerile zone follows:

From this list of top 15 unintentionally funny comics.
http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2007/03/top_15_unintent.html










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Old 03-28-2007, 05:19 AM   #93
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Quote:
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That's hilarious!
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Old 03-28-2007, 09:37 AM   #94
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My daughter told me two knock - knock joke she heard on Clifford this morning. Hold on b/c they are corny

Knock - Knock

Who’s there?

Abby

Abby who?

Abby stung me (a bee stung me)

_____________
Knock - Knock

Who's there?

Amos

Amos who?

A mosquito bit me

I told you they where corny, I just like hearing her tell the joke.
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Old 03-29-2007, 02:55 AM   #95
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Ok these are not jokes but I laughed my ass of while reading them

They're comics about 2 heroes in the World of Warcraft. Really cool if you play WoW

http:////www.worldofwar.net/comics/h...ter1/index.php
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Old 04-02-2007, 06:58 PM   #96
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The Blind Walmart Clerk

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday gift. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and goes over to the counter, behind which a Wal-Mart associate is standing and wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell who it was.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:49 AM   #97
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Nice one Trep.

Here's another one probably not worth the time taken to read it.

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

(For non-English speakers - Artichokes)
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:50 AM   #98
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And another.

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
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Old 04-06-2007, 06:37 PM   #99
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The Declaration

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs Limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so with suspicion, he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter the official said, "Heh heh, go ahead, Father. Next person!!"
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Old 04-06-2007, 08:49 PM   #100
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*titters*
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