[Luna Sevithiainen]

Oh Marte, I am so sorry to hear that. I wish you all the strength you need...

As for me...I am in a mourning mood myself as well...
I may have told you before that in march 2009 a friend of me died. And today exactly one year ago, februari first 2009, I said byebye to her, not knowing that it was the last time I would ever see her again.

It was a sunday, the last day of one of the infamous FSPWs (Films en Spelletjes Party Weekend; movies and games party weekend), which basically is just that: play loads of games, watch some movies, and have fun with each other. I still remember it so vividly, like we played Munchkin (first time I played it) and she sat opposite me, with a Kitchen Steps card, which she wanted to use but could not, because she was not of a small Race (the game is weird like that). I still see her sitting there, having so much fun...She taught me to cook with garlic, to actually cut it. It tasted amazing.

The last thing moment I saw her, the last time I would ever speak to her...We were watching movie trailers in her room. She wanted to see Monsters vs. Aliens, we watched the trailer and all unanimously agreed. I had to go home around 7 or 8. The next day my internship would start and I had a long travel home ahead, and wanted to be sharp the next day. I said byebye to the rest. See you at the next FSPW. Or rather at the next movie. And I left. The last time I'd ever see her...Exactly 5 weeks later, she died. They never found out what exactly happened, but they think she had a brain hemorrhage. She was only 21. Exact one year older than me. And so full of life.

I remember my girlfriend and I sleeping in her room the night of saturday on sunday, because FSPWs tend to start late and go on until the early hours, so going home in between is not an option. I can't help but think now, had it happened then, could we have done something, would she still be alive, but thinking a lot about that, I think not. They say she never noticed anything. I guess not would we, and even if we did, before we would be able to get help, I think it would have been too late...

I have been thinking a lot about it lately. For some reason the last months I cried more for her than the weeks after she died. And I feel so guilty about that. She was part of the group of friends of my girlfriend. They did the same study. I only saw her at FSPWs, not much more. She knew her so much better than I did. How can I cry so much and hurt so much while I never knew her that well? My girlfriend is allowed to cry, I am, so it feels, not.

I can't tell my mind to shut up, I keep on thinking. Why didn't I say a better goodbye? A more profound one than the simple byebye. Had I known then, what would I do. Could I have done anything, like when I was sleeping in her room and it happened, and it all boils down to no. No one could have done anything.

Sorry for the long and sad post, dear blog. I just can't get it out of my mind. Tonight my candles will burn, will cry, for her...

[Fantasysci5]

I am so sorry Luna. *hugs*

[tsa]

Of course you are allowed to cry Luna. It's always weird and terrible when someone you know suddenly doesn't exist anymore. I guess your girlfriend also feels bad, so you can cry together.

[Luna Sevithiainen]

You are so sweet. I so wish I could be with my girlfriend now, to hug her and be hugged, or just to talk to her. But the point is that for me last year was the last time I saw her, but to my girlfriend it wasn't, she saw her after that day.

And she has an exam tomorrow, so I am afraid to interrupt her, let alone bringing back to her the memories, so that she can't focus on learning anymore. I am just alone with it now...

[tsa]

I bet your parents know about this. Why don't you call them? They can cry with you.

[Luna Sevithiainen]

Thank you tsa, I don't know why I never thought about calling my parents. My mother has helped me through a lot of my crying episodes the last year, she will be there for me now.

[tsa]

I called my parents today because of an issue I don't want to discuss here. They helped me feel better.

[Jelena]

My job has been more exhausting than usual lately. These last two weeks I've been in other places than I should have been according to my schedule, covering for sick teachers, eleven times 90 minutes!!
It's been crazy to say the least.
All this has resulted in me looking for another job...again. It's not easy in times like these, but today I've applied for a secretary job at one of the larger energy/power companies in Sweden.
Most likely nothing will happen and I'll remain on my post. But sending in my CV and personal letter at least feels good.

But talking to Step on the phone yesterday evening did cheer me up!
We now have everything arranged for getting in contact with each other in April. I have to keep focusing on the fun things in life and stop letting my job make me depressed.

[Fantasysci5]

I'm sorry you guys are feeling down. *hugs for all*

I was a bit yesterday, but I've taken my happy pills and watching Sherlock Holmes 2009 movie fan vids make me feel really happy and warm inside, for some strange reason. I love the "bromance" between them, and the friendship they share.

[MystGirl]

Haven't been on here in forever. Finally got Still Life 2. Great game, just like the first one.

Little pearl of wisdom after breaking up with someone recently...

It's taken me almost 36 years to realize that we attract our same level of dysfunction when it comes to dating. The more dysfunctional you are, the more dysfunction you attract. After dumping yet another "emotionally distant" man, I've realized maybe it's me I need to work on, so that I attract someone "healthier" the next time. I really hate the process of dating, but its the only way to meet someone new! LOL.

But at least I have PC games to fill the void. More reliable and entertaining then anyone I've date so far. (har, har)

Got a lot of posts to catch up on...its snowing again here. Catch y'all later.


- M

[Intense Degree]

Well, unfortunately I have been given my notice at work and am currently due to be unemployed in early March.

However, I had a second interview for a new job this morning which seemed to go fairly well, so here's hoping! It's a good firm and they seem like nice people so now it's the waiting game until I hear from them. In a way I don't want to build up my hopes too much and i'm half hoping/half dreading receiving the call from the agency, it could be good news or I could be right back at square one again.

Oh well, we'll see...

[tsa]

Dear Blogsie,

For the past 1.5 months I have been feeling pretty bad. I have new medicines, and I suffer from an undocumented side effect: my knees hurt terribly, so bad I often have a hard time standing up. Walking and especially standing still for a while is not nice. Due to the pain I sleep very badly, and this leads to a viscious circle which is very hard to come out of. Last Monday I decided not to try to work anymore until the pain is bearable. Although it gets less bit by bit, it will take a while before I can work again.
In the past two or three weeks I have canceled two appointments with friends. Since then I haven't heard from them again. The only people who regularly call me to ask how I am are my mother's two older sisters, both in their seventies, who themselves suffer from pain due to the winter (broken hips and a broken arm), and one very good friend of mine. And my parents of course.
I feel left alone by my friends, and lonely. Why is it that people don't even take the time to check on their friends every now and then these days?

[Fantasysci5]

I'm sorry you feel that way, tsa. *hugs* I'm always here if you need someone to chat with.

I'm sorry you lost your job, Intense. I hope you get the other job, and everything works out okay.

Nice to see you back, Mystgirl!

[Intrepid Homoludens]

((((((( tsa )))))))

[bulldog]

Originally Posted by tsa

Dear Blogsie,

For the past 1.5 months I have been feeling pretty bad. I have new medicines, and I suffer from an undocumented side effect: my knees hurt terribly, so bad I often have a hard time standing up. Walking and especially standing still for a while is not nice. Due to the pain I sleep very badly, and this leads to a viscious circle which is very hard to come out of. Last Monday I decided not to try to work anymore until the pain is bearable. Although it gets less bit by bit, it will take a while before I can work again.
In the past two or three weeks I have canceled two appointments with friends. Since then I haven't heard from them again. The only people who regularly call me to ask how I am are my mother's two older sisters, both in their seventies, who themselves suffer from pain due to the winter (broken hips and a broken arm), and one very good friend of mine. And my parents of course.
I feel left alone by my friends, and lonely. Why is it that people don't even take the time to check on their friends every now and then these days?

i don't really know, I think that people get complacent, and I think that people get wrapped up in their own lives and forget about others around them. I think that they are thinking of you but just forget to pick up the phone. I am very guilty of that myself and I try to do better but sometimes it just slips through my fingers.

I hope that you feel better soon....... and here is a big kiss for you to get started on

remember that you are my favorite blonde

[tsa]

Originally Posted by Fantasysci5

I'm sorry you feel that way, tsa. *hugs* I'm always here if you need someone to chat with.

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

((((((( tsa )))))))

Originally Posted by bulldog

I hope that you feel better soon....... and here is a big kiss for you to get started on

remember that you are my favorite blonde

Thanks dears, that helps a bit!

[Jelena]

(((tsa)))

I'm sorry you're not well, I know it's tough coping with constant pain. It sucks!

I believe Bulldog is right that your friends do think about you. I can honestly say I'm guilty as charged of doing the same. I have three friends who all have recently divorced (no, actually four). And I think of them often, but I seldom call them or invite them to my house or ask them out for coffee even though they're quite lonely compared to how they used to live. I will definitely get better at keeping in contact because I love them dearly.

Perhaps your friends don't want to stress you out with making appointments since they know you're not well. Just a thought.

[tsa]

I hope you're right Jelena, and I must say I am not completely 'clean' either. But they don't have to make appointments. Just an email or a phonecall would be nice.

[bulldog]

I agree with Jelena, you think of people...... but you dont want to call and disturb them. I always think 'If I call, what if this is the one moment that they are resting, forgot about their troubles, and so on". I always play the "what if" game with myself when some one has something going on.

I want to call but your right tsa...... an email would be nice, that way you can choose when to respond.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by tsa

I hope you're right Jelena, and I must say I am not completely 'clean' either. But they don't have to make appointments. Just an email or a phonecall would be nice.

Screw the email. I'd send you a bouquet of orchids, a huge pot of piping hot chicken soup, and several DVDs of National Geographic episodes. Oh, and a "Get Well Soon You Big Hot Stud!" notecard.