[Intrepid Homoludens]

Felix Gonzalez-Torres, Untitled (billboard), 1991-93

You guys should remember this old thread from last year that I started. If not, please read my first post in that thread. It has been one year since then, and today I find myself yet again at a new crossroad in my life.

To put it bluntly, big R has dumped me. It took a few months for it to end with a wimpy, but there it is and here I am.

The process of breaking was gradual and involved so many moments of miscommunication between us, and of decided incommunicativeness from him. I slowly realized that he has serious issues with emotional intimacy and with being able to expressive himself openly and honestly. Furthermore he was closeted for decades and had only finally come out in the past several years but ending up living in a conservative small rural town. Imagine someone going through that in his 50s and having to deal with it emotionally and socially, and then meeting someone he thinks he can truly love.

Combine all that with the fact that he had been married for 3 decades to a woman, in a constraining partnership, in a culture that expects men to repress their emotions and personal identity:

New Zealand's history has been dominated by physical labour, and even where New Zealanders have excelled intellectually, there is often strong mechanical or physical component to their pursuits (e.g. engineering or rocket science.)

This has led to a 'strong, silent' culture which involves less discussion than just 'getting in and doing it.' Such attitudes have spilled into most aspects of New Zealand culture, with theoretical or spiritual pursuits taking up less of the nation's energy than driving cars and playing rugby.

While New Zealand men often take pride in being 'strong, silent types', this attitude may have a downside in contributing to New Zealand having one of the highest suicide rates among young males in the industrialised world.

Wikipedia

Everyone has issues of one form or another, but in the end I think you'd all agree with me, that it's not that you have issues but that you choose to do something about them and in the process help better yourself. Unfortunately big R chooses not to do something about it, no matter how much I tried to convince him, and I myself have been trying so hard at my end to be good to him and for him. I've always been there for him. But he never took advantage of that. Thus, he was willing to sacrifice me in order to avoid the truths about himself. I became a casualty from his emotional repression.

I'll not delve into it any further, but suffice it to say I've had my moments of crying, staring off into space, sitting there looking at him while he spends literally all day in the gay chatrooms, leaving me wondering where is this quality time that he said we should be having more of. He had never truly respected me, never truly appreciated me. I became a kind of liability for him, an object of neglect.

On a more hopeful note, my plans for myself have now shifted. I'll be living here in Oregon for the next several months. I'm working again and will start saving up money, hopefully as much as possible. Late next spring I will move to San Francisco and there I'll pursue my art and try to live a distilled, simple life. Romantically I want to be alone for a while. I promised myself I will never, ever let into my life anymore anyone who cannot work on bettering himself. Why is it that I keep ending up with screwed up guys when all I want is a relationship based on honesty, openness, integrity, respect, and trust? Is that too much to ask?

Sorry to bring this up and depress you all, but we are a very closeknit 'family' here and we've always supported each other. I guess now it's my turn to cry on a few shoulders. But I know in my heart that I will survive this, too. I've been through it before. And as before, I can move on, the better for it...

"Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky." - Anais Nin

[Once A Villain]

Very sorry... :-( You're right though, you'll come through this fine. You seem to always look forward with optimism, and that's a good thing.

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Combine all that with the fact that he had been married for 3 decades to a woman, in a constraining partnership, in a culture that expects men to repress their emotions and personal identity:

That reminds me a great deal of the movie Brokeback Mountain. I think gilly and others who have seen it would agree. The "culture" in this case being a sort of "cowboy culture". Very masculine men that repress their emotions. Heath Ledger's character suffers greatly from this problem, and it ruins several people's lives if one really looks.

[Glenn Epic]

I know exactly what you are talking about. I've experienced this kind of relationship, though most probably not on the same level/intensity that you have. I've realised that these kinds of people have to decide to help themselves. I guess it really takes some kind of catharsis to spark this change.

You are doing the best possible thing that you can do right now: moving on, bringing about change, etc. I'm also glad you haven't developed the "vitcim mentality", that's an absolute killer of self-esteme. You are a strong person Trep, and the next chapter of your life has already begun.

[Glenn Epic]

Double post, hehe.

Let me tell you a story...

The essence of which goes something like this:
A start, middle but no end: a hit, a loss and a miss
Some of us adults, some still acting the "child"
This tale is that of souls completely beguiled

Things are not as they always appear
To feelings of love the mind can consciously adhere
Yet it's good to move on, wise say "no"
The truth can hurt; it’s not always a chateau
For within one's mind things tend to expand
Though just as often at the whim of a command
Feelings, great or small, can begin to disband
Such is life; I'm merely being truthful
We are still living, never stop being youthful

Yes, those who lust too often refuse to acknowledge the pain
Pain refused grows and becomes too hard to maintain
But let wisdom gained guide them away
Maybe, just maybe, we will all come to see that day
But as for now... here is what I have to say:
This hedonism paradox isn't temporary, it's here too stay
Aptitude, of all kinds, is the prize for keeping it at bay...

Written by yours truely

[lumi]

I hope your new direction brings up better things. It'll be some sort of journey anyway.

[Melanie68]

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. You know that however much you can or can't be here on the forums, know that you are in my heart and I'll be thinking of you. I always think of the line from the Sound of Music - 'When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.' It may be a little corny but I've always thought it was true.

Late next spring I will move to San Francisco

You realize I will have to visit you!!

[Sage]

(((((Beiddie)))))
Sshh. There now...it'll be okay.

[Karmillo]

Wow thats rough
I've never had any experiences with relationships and such so i cant really say anything on that...

But dont let it spoil your Holidays, make sure you have lots of fun over Christmass and New Year

[Lucien21]

Sorry to hear about the breakup.

I'm sure that perfect person is out there for you and in time you will find them.

((((GROUP HUG)))))


So moving to San Fran.

Doesn't half the board live there now.

[colpet]

Not only my first pan, but also my first hug.
((((((( Trepsie )))))))

You are an intelligent, attractive and talented individual. It's big R's loss.
Jo

[natalia]

((((Trep))))

I've only been on these boards a short while, but everything that comes through in your posts indicates that you are a beautiful, warm, and big-hearted person. You're always there with cups of comfort and kindness for those sad hearts on the board, and just as often there with chuckles and advice for those who need it. You are such a talented writer, I feel totally immersed when I read what you write.

My heart is breaking for you. But, remember the good times that you had, take care of yourself, and make plans for a bright future in San Francisco (a city close to my heart, that I miss dearly. You'll sit somewhere, one day looking out at the bay, and when the fog rolls slowly in, you'll feel embraced and like you are yes, at last at home.)

[Starflux]

That's a tough break, but once again you'll come out of this stronger and wiser. Our support you have.

[Fairygdmther]

Oh, Beiddie, I'm so sorry! If there is anyone who deserves a loving, kind, understanding partner, it is you! No one has given as much love to us as you have! I'm glad you chose to reveal it on the forum, because this way you will feel the love from all of us showering you. Sometimes things happen (even bad things) that we don't understand, but someday we will understand the reasons for them. But for now you need to know you have the right to mourn. You invested a great deal in this relationship, and now it's over. Cry as long as you want, then shake it off and pick up all the pieces. You are a wonderful man - I love you and I know many others here do too. Bask in that and know that you will be okay, and will be able to move on.

Love you, my sweet friend,

M

[Jeysie]

Aww... Trep! (gives even more hug)

I'm sorry to hear about this. In the short time I've been here you do seem like a wonderful fellow. And it can be very hard and frustrating when you feel like you've tried to do everything right, but you just can't convince someone you care about to help themselves, and it ends up hurting you, too. But don't blame yourself!

I think moving back to the kind of place you feel at home will do a world of good for your spirit.

Peace & Luv, Liz

[Wormsie]

( ( ( Beiddie ) ) )

[Kingzjester]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Why is it that I keep ending up with screwed up guys when all I want is a relationship based on honesty, openness, integrity, respect, and trust? Is that too much to ask?[/COLOR]

I thought everybody out there was either ****ed up or wholesome; neither much of an option.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Thanks, everyone.

I declined big R's invitation to attend his family's annual Christmas get-together last night. What's the point? I don't want to give the impression that he and I are stll going strong, even though his family loves me and I get on so well with them. When I told him I wasn't going he got very quiet and retired to bed early. I knew he was thinking he had to explain my absence to them (he never likes talking about such things). Whatever.

Now that I have my new laptop I decided to give my old desktop to big R's older sister, who is a part-time caregiver to elderly people, a Buddhist, and is in need of a new computer to replace her ancient system but can't afford one at the moment. I just reformatted it.

I'm hoping to spend Christmas doing volunteer work, my boss/friend may end up visiting the kids stuck in the hospital at Christmas Eve to give them toys and I could help out.

Originally Posted by Kingzjester

I thought everybody out there was either ****ed up or wholesome; neither much of an option.

Heh, I was wholesome once myself. Wholesome is boring. ****ed up is more intriguing but far too volatile. I prefer a little bit of both, with the option of being able to manipulate them........... ermm, forget it. I want neither.

[Melanie68]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

I'm hoping to spend Christmas doing volunteer work, my boss/friend may end up visiting the kids stuck in the hospital at Christmas Eve to give them toys and I could help out.

I'm glad you found a job. May I ask where you're working?

[Erwin_Br]

Originally Posted by Kingzjester

I thought everybody out there was either ****ed up or wholesome; neither much of an option.

Nobody is wholesome. You can't say that about being ****ed up, though.

Anyway, it's a bitch ending an relationship when it's not your fault, because everything is so much out of your control. Changing yourself wouldn't have helped, and changing him is impossible if he doesn't want to change. I just hope you won't try to blame this on yourself, even if you know it's not. Trep, I'm very much certain you'll get through this again. I wish you all the best for the coming time.

--Erwin

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Melanie68

I'm glad you found a job. May I ask where you're working?

One of the guys in my men's support group runs a clothing resale 'boutique' (eBay, private appointments) and hired me as an assistant to do merchandise processing and inventory (which is right up my alley). His business is doing quite well but he's totally held back by a huge amount of new, unprocessed goods and needs to catch up. Next month I'll start job hunting locally again, hope to find a steady p/t job to supplement this one.