[AFGNCAAP]

Im e@tiN lnch W my uncL @ Penton Ave rstRNt. u wn2 join us?, it said.

[Hammerite]

The shopkeeper, who was only just getting used to the predictive text function on his mobile, texted back:

BONK, said the message.

It was supposed to say "cool".

[SSH]

Meanwhile, the pigeons finished off the liver of the spoke guy.

[Hammerite]

"Damn." he said, "Thems took me livers thems did!"

His phone vibrated and he got excited. It was a text from his friend, Robby, who was a shopkeeper at some little store in Missouri.

[Squinky]

It said: "Squinky sat inside her dimly-lit apartment, staring at the AG forums through her two-year-old laptop's screen, as usual." And went on and on just like that, with proper spelling and capitalization and punctuation and everything.

"This can't be!" exclaimed the man. And then, realising that he was unable to function without his liver, he collapsed to the ground.

[SSH]

The pigeons transferred their attention to his kidneys...

[Hammerite]

"listen," said Zyman, "the kidneys are defended by a series of klaxon warships."

"damn them!" exclaimed Ebund

"dont be so profane." said Zyman, "we have blast cannons, we have ships... we have war."

[AFGNCAAP]

Ebund cooed approvingly: "That reminds me of that one time when we broke into that girl's flat and left the emperor's name everywhere..."

"Shilenshe!", cried Emperor Zomg, who had been supervising the operation from a nearby branch, "There ish no time for idle chat!" The fearless pigeon leader flew down and landed on the chess table, next to Zyman. "General Zhyman, pleashe prosheed!"

[SSH]

Meanwhile, inside the Klaxon warships, the Diana Ross Commander sidled up to the Supreme Commander and whispered, "Remind me again why we're defending this guy's kidneys when he's already dead without a liver..."

[Wormsie]

Originally Posted by Squinky

Squinky sat inside her dimly-lit apartment, staring at the AG forums through her two-year-old laptop's screen, as usual.

"Bah," she thought to herself. "I'm sick of that damn three word story. Why does it have to be three words, anyway? After awhile, everyone loses track of the plot and everything stops making sense. No, I want a REAL story. One where people contribute whole sentences, or maybe even paragraphs. Like the kinds I used to start all the time on my old websites."

But... but...

[Squinky]

As Wormsie sat in the dark crying, a cute little man wearing a tutu and wings suddenly materialized next to him, complete with a "brring!" sound and everything.

Wormsie looked up. "Let me guess: you're my fairy godfather, here to give me a set of nicer clothes and a pumpkin coach so that I can go to the ball and have Prince Charming fall desperately in love with me, right? Well, although that would be nice, that's not what I'm crying about at all."

"Oh, I knew that, silly," replied the fairy in a stereotypically lispy voice. "I'm just here to collect your tears so that I can keep them in a vial and use them in a voodoo spell to make Prince Charming desperately fall in love with me. Now, hold still; this'll only hurt for a second."

[Hammerite]

Wormsie felt what seemed like two weeks of
XTR3ME PA1N!

[RLacey]

*****

See Me.

The words seemed to burn on the page; a fiery red that stood out from the smudged blue of his writing.

As the bell finished ringing and the rest of the class headed for the lunch hall, Squinky slowly got up from her chair, slung her bag over her shoulder and shuffled over to Miss Flockhart's desk. She stared down at the floor, as if that would somehow make her invisible.

Janine Flockhart finished cleaning the whiteboard and turned round to face Squinky. She had been humming to herself as she worked, but now fell silent, and the smile vanished.

"Miss Kiai. That has to be one of the worst creative writing essays I've ever written."

Squinky sat down in the chair to which Miss Flockhart was gesturing. She squirmed slightly.

"Terrible. Just terrible. You flit between ideas far too frequently, and what happened at the end? At least before then you'd just about had some consistency. Just about."

Squinky realised that she probably shouldn't have used the text speak. Miss Flockhart was something of an old-fashioned lady. No wonder she'd never got married.

"I mean, come on Miss Kiai! "XTR3ME PA1N"? How do you even say XTR3ME PA1N?!"

"Well..." began Squinky, but she was cut off.

"You will rewrite your essay, and this time you will make some effort to actually have it make sense. You will not let it descend into stupidity just as you have something vaguely interesting going on. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes," mumbled Squinky.

"I said do I make myself clear?"

"Yes. Miss Flockhart."

"Good."

Taking the pages of Squinky's story, Miss Flockhart removed all but the first page and handed it back.

Squinky glanced down at the story and reread the first paragraph...

*****

Squinky sat inside her dimly-lit apartment, staring at the AG forums through her two-year-old laptop's screen, as usual.

"Bah," she thought to herself. "I'm sick of that damn three word story. Why does it have to be three words, anyway? After awhile, everyone loses track of the plot and everything stops making sense. No, I want a REAL story. One where people contribute whole sentences, or maybe even paragraphs. Like the kinds I used to start all the time on my old websites."

Squinky sighed, remembering the good old days. She was a genius back then, or at least she thought so at the time. But then again, she was a teenager, and all teenagers think they know everything.

"Maybe I should start a story here," she pondered. "I mean, sure, looking back at the archives, there have been similar attempts to start substantial stories in the past. But they were too serious, too ambitious, and ended up dying sad little thread deaths. But maybe, just maybe, if I tried it myself..."

Suddenly, Squinky heard a rather loud crash.

[Squinky]

"Oh, this is HOPELESS!" exclaimed Squinky, bursting into tears. "What was I thinking?! I can't write!"

Then, she took the page, wripped it up in tiny little pieces, threw them straight at Miss Flockhart, and stormed in a huff out the classroom door.

[Hammerite]

Miss Flockhart then released two Bombs to get Squinky, but Squinky totally pwned them with Ice3.

"DamN! NoT MY BombS!?!" exclaimed Miss Flockhart

But then something really bad happened.

[AFGNCAAP]

...the chapter ended.

Chapter 6 - This war is over. We lost.

"This war is over. We lost.", said Diana Ross Commander Diana Ross bitterly.

General amadA, the head of Klaxon military forces, sighed heavily.

"Not only that", he mumbled, as he watched pigeons' warships decimating the pitiful remains of the Klaxon fleet. "Rumour has it that the new generation of pigeons look just like us."

***

Emperor Zomg cackled the way only the most ruthless villains are able to.

"The kidney ish oursh!"

[Hammerite]

But then there was a loud cracking noise, and Emperor Zomg lay bleeding on the floor.

"An assassin!" exclaimed amadA, "did anyone see the gunman? THE EMPEROR IS DEAD!!"

[Lee in Limbo]

Meanwhile, back on Earth, on a small dark street, overlooked by everyone, the pile of dust formerly known as Lee in Limbo had coallesced on the ground outside Squinky's window to form the words 'Nobody ever sees the story the way you do... especially not for free.'

[AFGNCAAP]

***

"Eh", murmured Squinky, "too pretentious. Let me try that again. And what's with the 'back to Earth'? We never left Earth." In one sure move she crossed out the last paragraph and started all over.

***

Meanwhile, in a small black alley, the nearly invisible pile of dust which used to be called Lee had appeared on the ground outside Squinky's window to form the letters 'ZOMG!'.

***

Wrongwrongwrong!

Dale kept pressing 'backspace' key until everything he had created in the last hour was erased.

It was 5 AM. He had been up all night because of his novel, and it started to show in the text. The instant he finished typing "the letters 'ZOMG!'.", he realised what plothole he commited making general Adama, oops, sorry, amadA, witnessing and lamenting over Emperor's death. They fight on a different sides, you fool.

He stood up, walked over to the kitchen and poured himself sixth (seventh?) cup of coffee.

Riiight. He took a sip. So, here is how the last four paragraph should be:

***

But then there was a loud cracking noise, and Emperor Zomg lay bleeding on the floor.

"An assassin!" exclaimed Zhyman, "did anyone see the gunman? THE EMPEROR IS DEAD!!"

***

Meanwhile, back on Earth, on a small dark street, overlooked by everyone, the pile of dust formerly known as Lee in Limbo had coallesced on the ground outside Squinky's window to form the words 'Nobody ever sees the story the way you do... especially not for free.'

***

"Eh", murmured Squinky, "too pretentious. Let me try that again. And what's with the 'back to Earth'? We never left Earth." In one sure move she crossed out the last paragraph and started all over.

***

Meanwhile, in a small black alley, the nearly invisible pile of dust which used to be called Lee had appeared on the ground outside Squinky's window to form the letters 'ZOMG!'.

[Squinky]

"Oh crumbs," murmured Dale. "It's almost exactly the same as what I wrote before. What is wrong with me?!"

He sighed, rereading those last four paragraphs over and over again. And yet, the more he did so, the more brilliant they started to sound in his head. The decline of the English language into text message speak - it was almost Orwellian in nature. "Maybe I can actually go somewhere with this," thought Dale. And thus, he continued to write.

***

"ZOMG?!" thought Squinky. "That doesn't make any sense. Lee would never say that, even in dust form. He's much too intelligent and articulate."

"I thank you, dear lady. You flatter me."

Squinky sat up with a jolt, eyes darting around trying to decipher the source of that disembodied voice. That smooth, gentle, and devastatingly attractive-sounding disembodied voice that made her insides melt whenever she heard it...

***

"NO! Now it's starting to sound like some horrible piece of fan fiction!" exclaimed Dale. He buried his face in his hands. This wasn't what he set out to write at all.