ZOMG! An Anti Three Word Story! - Page 4

Squinky · 10-26-2006, 01:15 PM

"What the hell is this?! Some sort of fanfic?" demanded a bewildered Robert.

Squinky put a finger to his lips and shushed him. "No. It's just the way things were meant to be. Took me a long time and a lot of puzzle-solving to figure it out, but now it's as clear as a bell."

"But... but you can't love me! I'm unpleasant and ugly and horrible! I hate everyone and everyone hates me!"

"Oh I know, sweetheart. I know. And that is precisely why we're so perfect for one another."

AFGNCAAP · 10-27-2006, 01:55 PM

Chapter 3 - Whatever

Tonight.

"Sir, did you bring the Thread™?"

Robert Lacey ignored the question. He was too busy pondering why his newly-wed wife is calmly eating the pizza rather than showing any kind of emotion at her spouse having just fallen through the ceiling.

Alright, to be fair, she did shudder.

Oh well. thought Rob while heading to the restaurant's exit. This whole marriage business was too good to be true, anyway.

"Sir, did you bring...?"

"Bog off, you and your Thread™!" answered Lacey furiously. "The Thread™ is dead!"

"But, sir, now Dalton will-"

"He won't."

Who the hell Donald f'ing Dalton thinks he is? I'll teach him. Lacey walked outside. Neither Dalton nor Spiwak had spotted him. Robert reloaded his gun. So what if the hostage gets killed, too? This story has too many secondary characters as is.

***

Meanwhile, in Paris, it dawned. Pierre knew he should get ready to work but he couldn't bring himself to stop enjoying the scenery. The guy who had sold him the flat was right - the view from the balcony was truly breathtaking. Pierre smiled.

Hammerite · 10-28-2006, 01:43 AM

Pierre was just about to grab his binoculars when he realised the woman noticed him gawping, so he jumped sidewards and whacked his head off the frying pan both burning his head and ruining the spaghetti.
He cried: "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"
Then the door opened.

SSH · 10-28-2006, 01:59 AM

"Why the hell were you frying spaghetti, you maniac", said the tall ark figure in the doorway. Pierre knew that it has to be the psychotic killer who had been hunting him for weeks. He had finally caught up.

Hammerite · 10-28-2006, 02:07 AM

The psychotic killer reached into his gun holster and pulled out a gun.

"please! i'm too sexually attractive to die!!" screamed Pierre.

the killer didn't listen and pulled the trigger.
Pierre felt a bit wet.

"what the hell?" asked Pierre, "This is a water pistol!" He then added: "bugger me, thats a bit warm isnt it?"

"yes." said the killer, "its piss. dont want to waste water do we!"

"is it supposed to leave a green stain on the carpet?" asked Pierre

"Oh, I have a lot to explain." said the killer, "a lot to explain, indeed"

***

Meanwhile, Geoffrey was sitting in his jeep playing FreeCell on his Palm Pilot.

SSH · 10-28-2006, 06:46 AM

He laughed as he remembered that asparagus pizza he had just delivered to some psychopath.

Hammerite · 10-28-2006, 09:24 AM

* * *

"oh yeah," said the killer, "i gotta get home cuz my pizzas gettin cold"

"you have pizza?" asked Pierre, "can i have a slice?"

"yeah!" said the killer, "we can watch re-runs of Seinfeld!"

Pierre celebrated and went with the killer in his green and red van.

AFGNCAAP · 10-29-2006, 10:19 AM

***

"Yeah, yeah, I know. The Hero's Journey, and all that. I guess we'll just have to wait, then."

"I can't wait, Uncle."

"If you stopped repeating that and go into more detail, maybe - just maybe - you'd be able to convince me."

Kapek glanced at his watch. Ten minutes. Twelve, at best.

"Okay" he said "listen closely. The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?"

"I do."

"The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay"

"Could be a coincidence."

"No way. Do you remember what was found by the body?"

Squinky · 10-29-2006, 10:22 AM

"The meaning of life?"

"No, no, no, you've got it all WRONG! Let's try it again."

AFGNCAAP · 10-29-2006, 10:31 AM

"The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?"

"Yes."

"The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay"

"Do you believe they were related?"

"We'll get to that. Do you remember what was found by the body?"

Lee in Limbo · 10-29-2006, 04:46 PM

*somewhere in the background, unseen and forgotten, a pile of dust started to stir in the evening breeze...*

Giligan · 10-29-2006, 04:57 PM

The humble shopkeeper looked up. An old man, in his 80's, he could retire anytime he wanted, but kept his little store for sentimental reasons. Now, he saw something, a metallic object, rising from the dust. And rather dusty, suffice to say. It looked like T-1000 from Terminator, only woozier. It slowly...

Panthera · 10-29-2006, 05:04 PM

raised it's dusty metal body from the corner, and started tap dancing and singing "I'm singing in the rain.."

The shopkeeper looked amazed at the strange metal contraption for a while before he decided to give it what it wanted.

He filled a nearby bucket with water, and poured it over the singing and tap dancing robot witch froze and became red with rust,
before it fell in a heap on the floor.

***

Meanwhile Kapek tried one last time.

"The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?"

"Yes."

"The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay"

"Do you believe they were related?"

"We'll get to that. Do you remember what was found by the body?"

Squinky · 10-29-2006, 08:20 PM

"No. I don't remember."

"That's better. Now, let's go have lunch."

***

Chapter 5 - Pigeons in the Park

A lone figure sat at a table in the park, playing a game of chess with himself.

He sighed. He wished he knew what, exactly, it was that happened in Chapter 4, but try as he might, he just couldn't remember.

SSH · 10-30-2006, 01:31 AM

Suddenly, he felt that he was being watched. He looked up and saw a pigeon sitting on the table next to his king. The pigeon slowly, deliberately pushed the king over. It turned and stared at him. He noticed more pigeons, too. All staring at him. More and more pigeons arrived , each one fixing its beady eyes upon him.

They shuffled closer and closer, until...

AFGNCAAP · 10-30-2006, 05:23 AM

...they were just next to him.

Then Q'azuvm, the eldest of the Great Pigeons...

SSH · 10-30-2006, 05:27 AM

crapped on his shoes...

AFGNCAAP · 10-30-2006, 05:27 AM

...and spoke.

SSH · 10-30-2006, 05:35 AM

"Damn, I was going to fit that spoke to my bicycle wheel, you bloody bird. I'll have to clean it now"

Hammerite · 10-30-2006, 05:46 AM

***
the shopkeeper reached into his pocket for his Samsung phone with video capabilities so that he could record the strange dancing cyborg.

"Tee-hee," he laughed, "I'm gonna put this on YouTube."

But then, just as he was about to press record, he received a text.
It was from his old friend from the frat, Kapek.

10-26-2006, 01:15 PM	#61
Squinky Unreliable Narrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Le Canada Posts: 9,873	"What the hell is this?! Some sort of fanfic?" demanded a bewildered Robert. Squinky put a finger to his lips and shushed him. "No. It's just the way things were meant to be. Took me a long time and a lot of puzzle-solving to figure it out, but now it's as clear as a bell." "But... but you can't love me! I'm unpleasant and ugly and horrible! I hate everyone and everyone hates me!" "Oh I know, sweetheart. I know. And that is precisely why we're so perfect for one another." Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Squinky is always right, but only for certain values of "always" and "right".

10-27-2006, 01:55 PM	#62
AFGNCAAP Dungeon Master Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Poland Posts: 4,152	Chapter 3 - Whatever Tonight. "Sir, did you bring the Thread™?" Robert Lacey ignored the question. He was too busy pondering why his newly-wed wife is calmly eating the pizza rather than showing any kind of emotion at her spouse having just fallen through the ceiling. Alright, to be fair, she did shudder. Oh well. thought Rob while heading to the restaurant's exit. This whole marriage business was too good to be true, anyway. "Sir, did you bring...?" "Bog off, you and your Thread™!" answered Lacey furiously. "The Thread™ is dead!" "But, sir, now Dalton will-" "He won't." Who the hell Donald f'ing Dalton thinks he is? I'll teach him. Lacey walked outside. Neither Dalton nor Spiwak had spotted him. Robert reloaded his gun. So what if the hostage gets killed, too? This story has too many secondary characters as is. *** Meanwhile, in Paris, it dawned. Pierre knew he should get ready to work but he couldn't bring himself to stop enjoying the scenery. The guy who had sold him the flat was right - the view from the balcony was truly breathtaking. Pierre smiled. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ What's happening? Wh... Where am I?

10-28-2006, 01:43 AM	#63
Hammerite kamikaze hummingbirds Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Over there. Posts: 7,946	Pierre was just about to grab his binoculars when he realised the woman noticed him gawping, so he jumped sidewards and whacked his head off the frying pan both burning his head and ruining the spaghetti. He cried: "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" Then the door opened. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ The bin is a place for household rubbish, not beloved pets!

10-28-2006, 01:59 AM	#64
SSH Super Scottish Hero Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edinburgh, UK Posts: 2,872	"Why the hell were you frying spaghetti, you maniac", said the tall ark figure in the doorway. Pierre knew that it has to be the psychotic killer who had been hunting him for weeks. He had finally caught up. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ SSH's AGS blog "SSH is the best we have" - Pablo Bullian, IP Security expert

10-28-2006, 02:07 AM	#65
Hammerite kamikaze hummingbirds Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Over there. Posts: 7,946	The psychotic killer reached into his gun holster and pulled out a gun. "please! i'm too sexually attractive to die!!" screamed Pierre. the killer didn't listen and pulled the trigger. Pierre felt a bit wet. "what the hell?" asked Pierre, "This is a water pistol!" He then added: "bugger me, thats a bit warm isnt it?" "yes." said the killer, "its piss. dont want to waste water do we!" "is it supposed to leave a green stain on the carpet?" asked Pierre "Oh, I have a lot to explain." said the killer, "a lot to explain, indeed" *** Meanwhile, Geoffrey was sitting in his jeep playing FreeCell on his Palm Pilot. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ The bin is a place for household rubbish, not beloved pets!

10-28-2006, 06:46 AM	#66
SSH Super Scottish Hero Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edinburgh, UK Posts: 2,872	He laughed as he remembered that asparagus pizza he had just delivered to some psychopath. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ SSH's AGS blog "SSH is the best we have" - Pablo Bullian, IP Security expert

10-28-2006, 09:24 AM	#67
Hammerite kamikaze hummingbirds Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Over there. Posts: 7,946	* * * "oh yeah," said the killer, "i gotta get home cuz my pizzas gettin cold" "you have pizza?" asked Pierre, "can i have a slice?" "yeah!" said the killer, "we can watch re-runs of Seinfeld!" Pierre celebrated and went with the killer in his green and red van. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ The bin is a place for household rubbish, not beloved pets!

10-29-2006, 10:19 AM	#68
AFGNCAAP Dungeon Master Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Poland Posts: 4,152	*** "Yeah, yeah, I know. The Hero's Journey, and all that. I guess we'll just have to wait, then." "I can't wait, Uncle." "If you stopped repeating that and go into more detail, maybe - just maybe - you'd be able to convince me." Kapek glanced at his watch. Ten minutes. Twelve, at best. "Okay" he said "listen closely. The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?" "I do." "The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay" "Could be a coincidence." "No way. Do you remember what was found by the body?" Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ What's happening? Wh... Where am I?

10-29-2006, 10:22 AM	#69
Squinky Unreliable Narrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Le Canada Posts: 9,873	"The meaning of life?" "No, no, no, you've got it all WRONG! Let's try it again." Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Squinky is always right, but only for certain values of "always" and "right".

10-29-2006, 10:31 AM	#70
AFGNCAAP Dungeon Master Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Poland Posts: 4,152	"The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?" "Yes." "The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay" "Do you believe they were related?" "We'll get to that. Do you remember what was found by the body?" Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ What's happening? Wh... Where am I?

10-29-2006, 04:46 PM	#71
Lee in Limbo It's Hard To Be Humble Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada Posts: 2,557	somewhere in the background, unseen and forgotten, a pile of dust started to stir in the evening breeze... Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Lee Edward McImoyle, Author Smashwords eBooks

10-29-2006, 04:57 PM	#72
Giligan The Greater Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Kentucky Posts: 6,541	The humble shopkeeper looked up. An old man, in his 80's, he could retire anytime he wanted, but kept his little store for sentimental reasons. Now, he saw something, a metallic object, rising from the dust. And rather dusty, suffice to say. It looked like T-1000 from Terminator, only woozier. It slowly... Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. -Cliff Bleszinski

10-29-2006, 05:04 PM	#73
Panthera female animal lover Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Norway Posts: 1,480	raised it's dusty metal body from the corner, and started tap dancing and singing "I'm singing in the rain.." The shopkeeper looked amazed at the strange metal contraption for a while before he decided to give it what it wanted. He filled a nearby bucket with water, and poured it over the singing and tap dancing robot witch froze and became red with rust, before it fell in a heap on the floor. *** Meanwhile Kapek tried one last time. "The man whom I transported tonight was called 'Manolay, H' according to the nametag. Now, do you recall all newspapers' headlines from a fortnight ago? About a particularly gruesome murder in Britain?" "Yes." "The victim was also a policeman, by the name Will Manolay" "Do you believe they were related?" "We'll get to that. Do you remember what was found by the body?" Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Pennies are never the healthy end, risk all! The Panthera Effect If you can't beat Panthera, join Panthera.. My sporadically updated blogs: Animation enthusiast, Sci-fi enthusiast and Snark, pedantry and random geekery

10-29-2006, 08:20 PM	#74
Squinky Unreliable Narrator Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Le Canada Posts: 9,873	"No. I don't remember." "That's better. Now, let's go have lunch." *** Chapter 5 - Pigeons in the Park A lone figure sat at a table in the park, playing a game of chess with himself. He sighed. He wished he knew what, exactly, it was that happened in Chapter 4, but try as he might, he just couldn't remember. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Squinky is always right, but only for certain values of "always" and "right".

10-30-2006, 01:31 AM	#75
SSH Super Scottish Hero Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edinburgh, UK Posts: 2,872	Suddenly, he felt that he was being watched. He looked up and saw a pigeon sitting on the table next to his king. The pigeon slowly, deliberately pushed the king over. It turned and stared at him. He noticed more pigeons, too. All staring at him. More and more pigeons arrived , each one fixing its beady eyes upon him. They shuffled closer and closer, until... Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ SSH's AGS blog "SSH is the best we have" - Pablo Bullian, IP Security expert

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10-30-2006, 05:23 AM	#76
AFGNCAAP Dungeon Master Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Poland Posts: 4,152	...they were just next to him. Then Q'azuvm, the eldest of the Great Pigeons... Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ What's happening? Wh... Where am I?

10-30-2006, 05:27 AM	#77
SSH Super Scottish Hero Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edinburgh, UK Posts: 2,872	crapped on his shoes... Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ SSH's AGS blog "SSH is the best we have" - Pablo Bullian, IP Security expert

10-30-2006, 05:27 AM	#78
AFGNCAAP Dungeon Master Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Poland Posts: 4,152	...and spoke. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ What's happening? Wh... Where am I?

10-30-2006, 05:35 AM	#79
SSH Super Scottish Hero Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Edinburgh, UK Posts: 2,872	"Damn, I was going to fit that spoke to my bicycle wheel, you bloody bird. I'll have to clean it now" Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ SSH's AGS blog "SSH is the best we have" - Pablo Bullian, IP Security expert

10-30-2006, 05:46 AM	#80
Hammerite kamikaze hummingbirds Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Over there. Posts: 7,946	*** the shopkeeper reached into his pocket for his Samsung phone with video capabilities so that he could record the strange dancing cyborg. "Tee-hee," he laughed, "I'm gonna put this on YouTube." But then, just as he was about to press record, he received a text. It was from his old friend from the frat, Kapek. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ The bin is a place for household rubbish, not beloved pets!