Joke central (yes, again!)

Curt · 10-19-2003, 04:39 AM

A man walks into a bank, and says: "I want to open a f*cking account in this shitty bank".
The woman behind the counter is sort of shocked, and asks: "What did you say?"
"Didn't you hear me bitch, I wanted to open a f*cking account here, in this f*cking bank".
So, the woman says: "I'm getting the manager, he'll make sure you will be removed".

A few minutes later, she comes back in with the manager. The manager asks what's wrong, and why the man is acting so annoying.
The man replies: "as I told this hag before, I want to open a f*cking account, since I recieved a f*cking heritage of a 100 million bucks.
"And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!" The manager replies.

Zygomaticus · 10-19-2003, 05:02 AM

A man walks into a bank and says to the clerk, "I'm robin a bank."
The clerk replies, "Good morning Mr. Bank. How can I be of assistance."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!! Hilarity squared!

okay...it's not that great...

twifkak · 10-19-2003, 07:40 AM

A man walks into a bar.
He says, "This joke is so overused. Please don't finish it."
I punch him and say "Ouch!"

Phil25 · 10-19-2003, 07:43 AM

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One's assaulted...get it?! A-salted? Because they're peanuts? Get i....oh nevermind.

amishler · 10-19-2003, 08:29 AM

Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and announces, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

DustCropper · 10-19-2003, 09:06 AM

John, Fred, and Al are construction workers. Each day, high up on the skycraper they're building, the eat their lunch.

John opens his lunch bag and takes out a cheese sandwich. "Damn it, I hate cheese sandwiches! If I keep on getting cheese sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"

Fred opens his lunch bag and takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "Damn it, I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! If I keep on getting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"

Al opens his lunch bag and takes out a turkey sandwich. "Damn it, I hate turkey sandwiches! If I keep on getting turkey sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!"

The next day, the three men have lunch:

John sees he has a cheese sandwich and screams, "If I get another cheese sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"

Fred sees he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and screams, "If I get another peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"

Al sees he has a turkey sandwich. He shouts "If I get another turkey sandwich, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!"

The next day...

John takes out a cheese sandwich from his bag. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.

Fred takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "OK, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.

Al takes out a turkey sandwich. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies.

At their funeral, the wives of John, Fred, and Al mourn. John's wife crys out, "If only he had told me he didn't like cheese sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"

Fred's wife crys, "If only he told me he didn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I would have given him something different!"

Al's wife crys, "I don't understand. He packed his own lunch."

twifkak · 10-19-2003, 12:07 PM

I don't understand why they didn't trade lunches.

Zygomaticus · 10-19-2003, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twifkak

I don't understand why they didn't trade lunches.

Yeah, 'twoud seem the normal thing to do. These guys probably haven't listened to any Raffi, though...

It's mine, but you can have some. With you I'd like to share it. 'Cause if I share it with you, you'll have some too!

Zygomaticus · 10-19-2003, 12:32 PM

Anyway, here's another one. I apologize if any of you identify with one of the ethnicities characterized in what is meant to be a joke. Please forgive me for doing so as I hope to relay to you the joke as it was told to me, as it was meant to be told...

There's an Englishman, an Indian and a Pakistani who are caught by the ruler of a certain area, somewhere deep in Africa. The three were trespassing and are now to be dealt serious punishment. The penalty - 100 lashes on the back!

But the gentle ruler, in all his kindness offers one wish to each of them before the lashes (of course, they couldn't wish for the lashes not to take place...)

So the event proceeds. The Englishman volunteers to get done first and asks for 5 pillows to be tied to his back. The pillows tear open after about the 10th lash and the Englishman is dealt a series of excruciating blows. The Pakistani volunteers to go next, asking for 15 pillows to be tied to his back! These too tear open by the 20th lash and he too is dealt a series of lashes dealing pain that is legendary.

Finally it is the Indian's turn and he wishes for...the Pakistani to be tied to his back...

ouch!!

DustCropper · 10-19-2003, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by twifkak

I don't understand why they didn't trade lunches.

They weren't very smart.

DustCropper · 10-19-2003, 01:08 PM

Bush, Cheney, and Powell are captured by terrorists and taken to a base. The terrorists decide to execute them by firing squad.

Powell is the first to be put out for execution. The terrorist general shouts, "Ready.... aim..." At this point Powell shouts, "Tornado! Tornado!" The whole base goes into chaos and Powell manages to escape.

The next day, Cheney is brought out. The general shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Cheney screams, "Hurricane! Hurricane!" Again, the terrorists flee and Cheney escapes.

Next is Bush. The general tells the squad, "Ready... Aim..." Bush screams, "Fire! Fire!"

sillycanadian · 10-19-2003, 04:02 PM

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A-flat minor!

sillycanadian · 10-19-2003, 04:07 PM

Three men who had just robbed a bank were on the run from the police. They hop over a fence to find 3 large empty sacks. Each robber hides in one, and precious seconds later the police show up. Seeing the 3 sacks they figure that the robbers must be inside. So the police walk up to the first sack and give it a sharp kick, and the first robber, trying to avoid getting caught says "Meow, meow, meow." The police go "Aw, its just a bag full of kittens," and move on to the second bag. The second robber says "Ruff, ruff!" and the police go "Aw its not a robber, its just a bag full of puppies." They move on to the third and final sack, kick it, and then hear "Potato."

Intrepid Homoludens · 10-19-2003, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DustCropper

Bush, Cheney, and Powell are captured by terrorists and taken to a base. The terrorists decide to execute them by firing squad.

Powell is the first to be put out for execution. The terrorist general shouts, "Ready.... aim..." At this point Powell shouts, "Tornado! Tornado!" The whole base goes into chaos and Powell manages to escape.

The next day, Cheney is brought out. The general shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Cheney screams, "Hurricane! Hurricane!" Again, the terrorists flee and Cheney escapes.

Next is Bush. The general tells the squad, "Ready... Aim..." Bush screams, "Fire! Fire!"

LOL!!!!!!!

Kingzjester · 10-19-2003, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sillycanadian

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A-flat minor!

Silly canadian, trix are for kids.

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth".

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin' horth............can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and gives the horse's eyes the once over.........

"Nith eyeth...........can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth.........can I thee her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf...........can I thee her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's vagina, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that: Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

Tamara · 10-20-2003, 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kode

There's an Englishman, an Indian and a Pakistani .. 100 lashes on the back... etc etc

*grin*

I better say nothing

OK, one thing

Spoiler:
pussies

Henke · 10-20-2003, 06:23 AM

This is a classic (I have probably said it already but I don't remember if that is the case).

A bear and a rabbit was walking in the forest when they met a frog. The frog told them they were given three wishes each and they could wish for anything they wanted. The bear wished that all the other bears on this side of the forest were females. The rabbit wished for a helmet. The bear laughed and told the rabbit he was being dumb. Then the bear wished that all the other bears in the whole forest were females. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. The bear laughed once again and said that the rabbit didn't use his head. Then the bear said that his final wish was that all the other bears in the entire world were females. The rabbit jumped up on his motorcycle and before he rode of in the sunset he uttered his last wish. He wished the bear was gay.

Intrepid Homoludens · 10-20-2003, 06:39 AM

Beer?

Henke · 10-20-2003, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Beer?

Ha ha ha. That was a nice typo. Must have been thirsty while I wrote that.

twifkak · 10-20-2003, 07:47 AM

Maybe it's just logistics, but I strangely found it more plausible when the rabbit was getting it on with a beer.

10-19-2003, 04:39 AM	#1
Curt Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Englander in Munich Posts: 1,025	Joke central (yes, again!) A man walks into a bank, and says: "I want to open a fcking account in this shitty bank". The woman behind the counter is sort of shocked, and asks: "What did you say?" "Didn't you hear me bitch, I wanted to open a fcking account here, in this fcking bank". So, the woman says: "I'm getting the manager, he'll make sure you will be removed". A few minutes later, she comes back in with the manager. The manager asks what's wrong, and why the man is acting so annoying. The man replies: "as I told this hag before, I want to open a fcking account, since I recieved a f*cking heritage of a 100 million bucks. "And this bitch is giving you a hard time?!" The manager replies. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ "Of please! Looking at how sexy, beautiful, and womanly meg is, why the hell would anyone need Viagra?" - Intrepid Homosapiens sapiens (made her Valentines Day btw - you big romantic, Trep.)

10-19-2003, 05:02 AM	#2
Zygomaticus Liver of Life Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,317	A man walks into a bank and says to the clerk, "I'm robin a bank." The clerk replies, "Good morning Mr. Bank. How can I be of assistance." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!! Hilarity squared! okay...it's not that great... Share Share this post on Twitter

10-19-2003, 07:40 AM	#3
twifkak :P ^^^ at tamz Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Football Town, USA Posts: 1,354	A man walks into a bar. He says, "This joke is so overused. Please don't finish it." I punch him and say "Ouch!" Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ In the next AG crash ___\| A temporary board ____\| I am born to spam In the "Get New" list __\| Scrolling up and down \| I am born to spam through a broadband ISP \| i am back to steal your bandwidth --Spammo-head, "Windbag"

10-19-2003, 07:43 AM	#4
Phil25 Kosmonaut Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: On the moon in the 1500's Posts: 353	Two peanuts walk into a bar. One's assaulted...get it?! A-salted? Because they're peanuts? Get i....oh nevermind. Share Share this post on Twitter

10-19-2003, 08:29 AM	#5
amishler This Space for Rent Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Seattle...ish Posts: 179	Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and announces, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw." Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest. It's no secret: ambition bites the nails of success. Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief. All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief. Last edited by amishler; 10-19-2003 at 08:57 AM.

10-19-2003, 09:06 AM	#6
DustCropper Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,117	John, Fred, and Al are construction workers. Each day, high up on the skycraper they're building, the eat their lunch. John opens his lunch bag and takes out a cheese sandwich. "Damn it, I hate cheese sandwiches! If I keep on getting cheese sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!" Fred opens his lunch bag and takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "Damn it, I hate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! If I keep on getting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!" Al opens his lunch bag and takes out a turkey sandwich. "Damn it, I hate turkey sandwiches! If I keep on getting turkey sandwiches I'm going to kill myself one day!" The next day, the three men have lunch: John sees he has a cheese sandwich and screams, "If I get another cheese sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Fred sees he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and screams, "If I get another peanut butter and jelly sandwich I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" Al sees he has a turkey sandwich. He shouts "If I get another turkey sandwich, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" The next day... John takes out a cheese sandwich from his bag. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies. Fred takes out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. "OK, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies. Al takes out a turkey sandwich. "Ok, that's it, I'm jumping off!" He jumps off the building and dies. At their funeral, the wives of John, Fred, and Al mourn. John's wife crys out, "If only he had told me he didn't like cheese sandwiches, I would have given him something different!" Fred's wife crys, "If only he told me he didn't like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, I would have given him something different!" Al's wife crys, "I don't understand. He packed his own lunch." Share Share this post on Twitter

10-19-2003, 12:07 PM	#7
twifkak :P ^^^ at tamz Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Football Town, USA Posts: 1,354	I don't understand why they didn't trade lunches. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ In the next AG crash ___\| A temporary board ____\| I am born to spam In the "Get New" list __\| Scrolling up and down \| I am born to spam through a broadband ISP \| i am back to steal your bandwidth --Spammo-head, "Windbag"

10-19-2003, 12:32 PM	#9
Zygomaticus Liver of Life Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,317	Anyway, here's another one. I apologize if any of you identify with one of the ethnicities characterized in what is meant to be a joke. Please forgive me for doing so as I hope to relay to you the joke as it was told to me, as it was meant to be told... There's an Englishman, an Indian and a Pakistani who are caught by the ruler of a certain area, somewhere deep in Africa. The three were trespassing and are now to be dealt serious punishment. The penalty - 100 lashes on the back! But the gentle ruler, in all his kindness offers one wish to each of them before the lashes (of course, they couldn't wish for the lashes not to take place...) So the event proceeds. The Englishman volunteers to get done first and asks for 5 pillows to be tied to his back. The pillows tear open after about the 10th lash and the Englishman is dealt a series of excruciating blows. The Pakistani volunteers to go next, asking for 15 pillows to be tied to his back! These too tear open by the 20th lash and he too is dealt a series of lashes dealing pain that is legendary. Finally it is the Indian's turn and he wishes for...the Pakistani to be tied to his back... ouch!! Share Share this post on Twitter

10-19-2003, 01:08 PM	#11
DustCropper Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,117	Bush, Cheney, and Powell are captured by terrorists and taken to a base. The terrorists decide to execute them by firing squad. Powell is the first to be put out for execution. The terrorist general shouts, "Ready.... aim..." At this point Powell shouts, "Tornado! Tornado!" The whole base goes into chaos and Powell manages to escape. The next day, Cheney is brought out. The general shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Cheney screams, "Hurricane! Hurricane!" Again, the terrorists flee and Cheney escapes. Next is Bush. The general tells the squad, "Ready... Aim..." Bush screams, "Fire! Fire!" Share Share this post on Twitter

10-19-2003, 04:02 PM	#12
sillycanadian Novice Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Kingston, ON Posts: 95	What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A-flat minor! Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Phil's 61 Responses to the Red Sox ALCS Game 7 Extra Innings Loss

10-19-2003, 04:07 PM	#13
sillycanadian Novice Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Kingston, ON Posts: 95	Three men who had just robbed a bank were on the run from the police. They hop over a fence to find 3 large empty sacks. Each robber hides in one, and precious seconds later the police show up. Seeing the 3 sacks they figure that the robbers must be inside. So the police walk up to the first sack and give it a sharp kick, and the first robber, trying to avoid getting caught says "Meow, meow, meow." The police go "Aw, its just a bag full of kittens," and move on to the second bag. The second robber says "Ruff, ruff!" and the police go "Aw its not a robber, its just a bag full of puppies." They move on to the third and final sack, kick it, and then hear "Potato." Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ Phil's 61 Responses to the Red Sox ALCS Game 7 Extra Innings Loss

10-20-2003, 06:23 AM	#17
Henke Headbanger Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The North Posts: 2,233	This is a classic (I have probably said it already but I don't remember if that is the case). A bear and a rabbit was walking in the forest when they met a frog. The frog told them they were given three wishes each and they could wish for anything they wanted. The bear wished that all the other bears on this side of the forest were females. The rabbit wished for a helmet. The bear laughed and told the rabbit he was being dumb. Then the bear wished that all the other bears in the whole forest were females. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. The bear laughed once again and said that the rabbit didn't use his head. Then the bear said that his final wish was that all the other bears in the entire world were females. The rabbit jumped up on his motorcycle and before he rode of in the sunset he uttered his last wish. He wished the bear was gay. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ NP: Botanicula, Catherine, Dear Esther, Okami Last edited by Henke; 10-20-2003 at 07:20 AM.

10-20-2003, 06:39 AM	#18
Intrepid Homoludens merely human Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Chicago Posts: 22,309	Beer? Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs \| gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii \| blog: a space alien \| book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris \| games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain \| sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer \| music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake \| twitter: a_space_alien

10-20-2003, 07:47 AM	#20
twifkak :P ^^^ at tamz Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: Football Town, USA Posts: 1,354	Maybe it's just logistics, but I strangely found it more plausible when the rabbit was getting it on with a beer. Share Share this post on Twitter __________________ In the next AG crash ___\| A temporary board ____\| I am born to spam In the "Get New" list __\| Scrolling up and down \| I am born to spam through a broadband ISP \| i am back to steal your bandwidth --Spammo-head, "Windbag"

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