[Glenn Epic]

Herein lies the cut of my jib. I've developed feelings, beyond the plutonic kind, for a friend whom I've known for quite a while (albeit not 7 years like Spiwak and his friend; Worst Day Ever thread). I've known her for somewhere around the 2 year mark. Her boyfriend broke up with her a year ago and ever since then I've spent night after night having conversations with her regarding the issue. For most of the year she still had feelings for her ex (and in a small way maybe still does), granted the fact that she cherishes the memories of what he used to be like and sends all thoughts of getting back together with him fleeting. He cheated on her and then broke it off. No matter what he said or did she would always forgive him and want to be with him. She loved him, and by that I mean she loved who he used to be.

Anyway, that's not really the issue here; she's since gotten over him. From there on I've seen a girl who loathes people who cheat and people who hook-up randomly turn into one of them. She seems to get herself into situations where she becomes severely intoxicated and then has a one night stand (That's the only way I can put it. Technically she is a virgin but that doesn't mean she doesn't go close), so to speak, with someone she just met. I've been told she doesn't like, or in any way enjoy doing that but apparently when she gets drunk she just can't control herself. I guess she just wants to be loved, and I know what that's like.

I've had to deal, time and time again, with these incidents that I hear about a day or two later and all I can say is it hurts me every time. Last night I told her how I feel. She told me she had no idea that I felt that way and that she wouldn't have done anything with anyone else had she'd known (I suspect she means she just wouldn't have told me). More to the point, she cried a little and told me the problems that would arise if such a bond was formed between the two of us. That being the fact that my ex is her best friend but more importantly the fact that I am leaving in 20 days to teach in China for a year. I never expected anything to happen between her and I, nor did I want it too. A year is a long time and I don't want to become attached to someone only to end up in a long-distance relationship for such an extended period of time. Frankly I'm glad I told her, though it does make things uneasy. I'll see how things turn out when I see her this weekend. I just hope that out of some longing to feel loved that she doesn't end up getting drunk and thus placing me in the same position that she has placed so many guys before. It hasn't happened before because she had no idea that I was interested in that way. I'm not saying she likes me or anything, just that she likes to be liked and she takes advantage of that.

I've got my head around the situation now but I can't deny the fact that it has taken me to some places that I never wanted to visit. One such being a week ago when I went to a party the night after I found out about her being with another guy (whom, for that matter, she met that night) and I drank a 700ml bottle of scotch. In retrospect, it's not like me to do that kind of thing, but admittantly, I did. I don't recall anything that happened that night but I've been told I displayed every sign of alcohol poisoning. Luckily I have wonderful friends that looked after me all night, and at one point were ready to take me to the hospital. I've also been told that I screamed for hours, developed abnormal breathing patterns, told everyone how cold I was and yelled every kind of obscenity at a selection of my friends (The ones that have hurt me in one way or another throughout our friendship. I mean really hurt, not minor).

The fact is, I have feelings for someone I know can not go anywhere. Least not over the duration of this year. I've kind of gotten my head around it now (I think). I just don't know what it is going to feel like when I get to the airport.

[Jelena]

Oh, dear!
A lot of relation issues today.
I don´t think I have anything smart to say other than: make plans for and focus on your China year. If she´s there when you come back, she´s the one.

[Lucien21]

Are we starting a Agony Aunt column now?

Go to china meet some georgous chinese girl and forget about her.

[jjacob]

Friends + love = disaster ninety-nine times out of one hundred (from personal experience) Seriously, it may sound cliched, but if you value your friendship with her in any way, don't go there (though it was a good idea to come clean with her). As Lucien said, plenty of georgeous/fun girls in China (hell, atleast 50 million in such a large country, right? ).

[Glenn Epic]

Originally Posted by jjacob

Friends + love = disaster ninety-nine times out of one hundred (from personal experience) Seriously, it may sound cliched, but if you value your friendship with her in any way, don't go there (though it was a good idea to come clean with her). As Lucien said, plenty of georgeous/fun girls in China (hell, atleast 50 million in such a large country, right? ).

It's always one end of the spectrum or the other. Friends make the best lovers, or friends + love = disaster. I don't know but you are probably right. I'm definitely focused on my China trip, so it will be at least a year till anything happens. In which time my feelings would have long since departed.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Glenn, you did say that you were passionate about getting out of your little corner and experiencing how spectacular the great big wide mysterious exotic open rest-of-the world is. And now that you're finally on the verge of that, why pause to set yourself back emotionally?

No matter how much you feel about this girl, getting romantically involved with her knowing that she is abusive to her lovers and to herself will interfere with your work and personal experiences abroad, and might even prevent any chances at meeting new people along the way.

I think the best thing you can do is set an example for her by being there as a friend and a potential source of inspiration in your own success. As a true friend to her, tell her bluntly that she seriously needs to get the hell off her ass, seek [professional] help, and get on with her life. The one person who must give her love before others can love her is.....herself. Once you tell her this, tell her you're off to see the world, to make yourself a better man, a well educated man, a self-improved man. You may send her postcards charting your progress, your challenges overcome, goals met. Keep her posted, keep her inspired - but write to her as a friend, not a suitor.

Once you're out of there and on your way to your new endeavors, to your new experiences, you'll naturally raise your standards to a higher level. And she is on her own. That is part of the process. She can choose to keep abusing herself, or she can choose the path you've chosen, which is a much more noble path.

Whatever your feelings for her, you have to tell her what her options are and then leave her alone. You have YOUR OWN betterment to work on. Don't wait for her. But, if/when you return after a year or longer, better and wiser and more wordly, and you're still searching for someone to be by your side, and she's still there choosing to get shitfaced drunk and manipulating people, how will you feel about her then?

[Glenn Epic]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

If/when you return after a year or longer, better and wiser and more wordly, and you're still searching for someone to be by your side, and she's still there choosing to get shitfaced drunk and manipulating people, how will you feel about her then?

Best line ever. You are exactly right Trep. Thanks, your words always help me get my head aligned.