[the gnome]

Well, another review lifted from my blog ( Gnome's Lair). Hope you enjoy...

To be quite honest, the way this review was written was heavily inspired by the review summaries posted by dear Elderly Gamer over at his excellent blog. To be even more honest, pc game pr0n (porn for the old-fashioned) has been something of an interest since my days in elementary school, when I first laid my poor innocent eyes on the exquisite Larry Laffer in the Land of the Lounge Lizards.

Now, being the much older git that I am, and having avoided the previous Lula offerings, I decided to buy Lula 3D. Not only was it featuring naked ladies engaging in gratuitous sexual acts, not only was it the first game ever to incorporate the Bouncing Boobs technology, it was also quite cheap (less than 20 euros). Apparently cheap in every respect.

Being of course cheap isn't necessarily a bad thing. Lula 3D does have a certain charm, in the way Plan 9 from Outer Space, Dungeons and Dragons the Movie and Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer do. It's so unbelievably bad it is almost interesting and enjoyable. Mind you, it's not funny per se. The funny thing is that people decided to sell this kind of crap and I decided to buy it. And there is no such thing as a Bouncing Boobs technology. Lara Croft in the first incantation of Tomb Raider had bouncier assets. It's neither particularly entertaining, nor sexy (unless of course you are really sad), and even though Lula 3D is (supposedly) an adventure game, it's such a poor experience, that having a dog hump your leg sounds exciting and fun.

And here comes the Elderly Gamer inspired bit. I'll present you with what a series of esteemed publications had to say about this sorry excuse for interactive erotica, but before that please imagine this: all of Lula's inventory is stored in her extra-small bra. Anyway. On to the pros:

Eurogamer (2/10): 'So, to conclude, let's return to the Lula 3D box. Turn it over and you'll see a warning message which reads: "CAUTION: intense erotic scenes may lead to CHOKING, SWEATING and RAPID HEART BEAT." No one could argue with this as a general statement of fact, but with regard to Lula 3D, the words RAPID BANGING OF HEAD AGAINST MONITOR would be more appropriate.'

PC Zone (31/100): 'As lovely as it must be to live in Lula-land, with its never-ending intercourse and women who won't talk about anything other than dildos, I still think that I prefer having sex with real people. It's a strange hang-up of mine - I'm sure I'll get over it.'

Jolt (1.8/10): 'Lula herself would probably be the only person to gain any satisfaction from Lula 3D as, to lower ourselves to using the game'’s terminology, she “loves ****ing– and Lula 3D is ****ing awful.'

Metacritic (19/100)

Gnome's Lair: that's a (three and a half) out of (ten).

And in case you were looking fot it, here is a direct link...

[Hamham Chan]

How "wankable" is the game?
I mean, is it good as a masturbatory aid?
*blushes*
Yes, i know this sounds sad, but i´ve actually thought about buying it.

[Dasilva]

It will make you explode.

[AGA]

Originally Posted by Hamham Chan

How "wankable" is the game?
I mean, is it good as a masturbatory aid?
*blushes*
Yes, i know this sounds sad, but i´ve actually thought about buying it.

Something tells me you're not old enough to buy it legally.

[Terramax]

hhahahahaha, I'm interested in this game now. Where do I sign?

When was this game made? The graphics look good from the 2 screenshots I saw.

and when were the others made?

[Hamham Chan]

Originally Posted by Dasilva

It will make you explode.

Ah, just thinking about the game makes my nipples hard.

[the gnome]

And mine explode with anticipation and so on and so forth....

And to answer your question: The game is not wankable (sp?) it's laughable. Quirky, soon-to-be cult but really horrible and extremely unsexy.

It is cheap though...

Terramax: The game is very, very recent (it was published less than six months ago).

Cheers

[Terramax]

Seriously, I might've bought it if the controls weren't as horrible as reviewers have made them out to be.

[the gnome]

Seriously, this is no reason for not buying Lula. Controls are the least of its (her) problems...

[Hamham Chan]

Originally Posted by the gnome

And mine explode with anticipation and so on and so forth....

And to answer your question: The game is not wankable (sp?) it's laughable. Quirky, soon-to-be cult but really horrible and extremely unsexy.

Thanks for the information, mate.

[stuboy]

Was that a review? I thought it was an introductory paragraph.

[GoT]

Originally Posted by the gnome

Jolt (1.8/10): 'Lula herself would probably be the only person to gain any satisfaction from Lula 3D as, to lower ourselves to using the game'’s terminology, she “loves ****ing– and Lula 3D is ****ing awful.'
..

HAHAHA!! funny stuff!!

[Robert Cath]

Originally Posted by the gnome

Lula 3D does have a certain charm, in the way Plan 9 from Outer Space, Dungeons and Dragons the Movie and Jesus Christ Vampire Slayer do.

That's "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter", actually.

[GoT]

By the way i think Dugeons and Dragons is not even worth watching to take the piss out of its crapness... its simply dissaterous and worth every copy of it in the world being destroyed never to be watched by any poor D&D player EVER EVERY again!!! so many things wrong in it APART from the obvious shit storyline, acting and budget props.

GoT

[the gnome]

Yes, Robert, you're right. Hunter it was... And GoT, you are so unbelievably wrong. Relax (preferably by drinking heavily) and watch D&D again (preferably with fellow drunk RPGers/DADAists). Then you'll see what an impressive film D&D is...

[Terramax]

it's strange, I was out looking for Psychonauts, and whilst not seeing any copies in any of the local 8 stores, I saw about 30 damn copies of Lula 3D in the PC section.

I wonder if there has ever been someone with the courage to go to the counter and buy it?

[Stroggy]

Originally Posted by Terramax

I wonder if there has ever been someone with the courage to go to the counter and buy it?

apparently so, else we wouldn't have had this thread.

[EvilMulder]

I own the previous game starring Lula. It's called Wet - the Sexy Empire, and it is actually really good. I recommend everyone to give it a try. There used to be a demo (about 50mb) but it seems to have dissapeared from the internet.

[Terramax]

Originally Posted by Stroggy

apparently so, else we wouldn't have had this thread.

or you can buy from the internet where no one will see you buy it. cheaper too. I would've bought the game from the net if I didn't think about the above points.

Also, there are no red head women in the game. No red heads, no buy from me ^^

[Hamham Chan]

Are the controls any good?
Somehow i think that playing the game with only one hand might be hard.
Do i only have one hand, you might ask? No i have two, but my other hand would be busy doing "something else" when playing the game, if you catch my drift.