[redhotray]

I'm at a point in my life right now where I'm dissatisfied with my position. (this isn't innuendo!).

I'm 20 years old, and although I don't fully believe it, people tell me I have a wealth of time available to me in order to acheive my goals. I don't believe any of us have enough time to get what we truly want out of this World. Life is short, but that isn't the point I'm trying to get across...

My problem lies in my chosen profession. Ever since I was a kid, I've written creatively. It's the only subject that I've kept up with consistently, everything else has disappeared in phases and fits. So naturally, it would seem obvious to continue writing creatively, until eventually I put together something that I'm happy with, and maybe down the road, a publisher would be happy with. Unfortunately for me, I just can't seem to knuckle down and finish anything, not even a first draft.

My mind is constantly jumping from one thing to the next, it's like a fly darting around the kitchen, you never seem to be able to catch up with it, as it pre-empts your every movement! I don't really know what I'm asking for in this thread, I guess I just wanted to write something down based on how I feel right now. There's a part of me that feels that one day, I can finish a manuscript and go on, and make something out of myself. Then there's a part of me that's so lazy, and so negative, that it balances out against me each and everytime I feel a burst of energy coming through!

I sometimes look at my writing, and it looks as if a child has come along and written something. It's as if I don't have the natural ability to write, but I have a mind filled with creativity, that I just can't seem to convey on a page! It's one of the most frustrating things I've ever experienced, and it's a constant torment. Day by day, I try to extend my vocabulary, I've started coming onto these boards more frequently to write, in hope that my words can mean something more, and can make sense, and maybe even be slightly entertaining to read.

This is a strange post, and for that I do apologize. I'm not really sure if I'm asking for guidance or whether I'm looking for pity, or a good kick up the backside. I find a lot of my time is spent, relying on other people to motivate me, instead of me motivating myself.

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm alone in the World? Does anyone else have these feelings towards themselves and their work?

The truth is, I'm doing a typical 9-5 job, dredging up the same tired routine, day after day. There's no way I want to spend my life working in an office, the job doesn't challenge me, it doesn't entice me. The only thing that keeps me there is the social aspect, which is fantastic, but it's also very forthcoming.

I'm sorry for rambling on about nothing, and wasting space on this forum. I'm just very confused, and probably very tired. There's just so much I need to learn about myself, but I feel incapable of doing in my present position.

Take care.

[Zygomaticus]

I'm somewhat younger than you but I see what you mean when you say your mind is darting around.

Do you ever resolve to do something, then not do it, and then give yourself a hundred reasons why you didn't do it and why it's okay that you didn't do it? I do that a lot and it annoys me when I think back on it. I could have done so much more, and now that I'm applying to college, and looking back on what I've done I feel like I just haven't done enough...

It's all about resolve, I guess. The good thing is - and believe me, it is a good thing - that you're still 20.



(((((redhotray)))))

[redhotray]

Originally Posted by Kode

I'm somewhat younger than you but I see what you mean when you say your mind is darting around.

Do you ever resolve to do something, then not do it, and then give yourself a hundred reasons why you didn't do it and why it's okay that you didn't do it? I do that a lot and it annoys me when I think back on it. I could have done so much more, and now that I'm applying to college, and looking back on what I've done I feel like I just haven't done enough...

It's all about resolve, I guess. The good thing is - and believe me, it is a good thing - that you're still 20.



(((((redhotray)))))

I've been guilty of doing that many times, yeah!

I have so much respect for people who have stuck at a project for several years, and in the case of Tolkein, a lifetime! I just wish I could commit myself so religiously to one thing.

Keep at your college work Kode, there's never enough you can do to apply to the things you want to succeed in. If you enjoy something enough, then a lifetime of discovery should be open to you, looking for new ways to broaden your horizons and explore new territory.

Good luck.

[Erkki]

I am in a somewhat similar situation myself.

At the moment I'm 24, in university, studying computer science, but I haven't been doing well exactly. My grades are good, but I've failed quite a few classes over the years and I'm already in my 7th year, whereas I should have finished in 4 years. The end is near though, and I hope it'll be over with soon
I've failed classes because of various reasons: lazyness, not motivated, not exactly sure this is what I want to do etc. Also sometimes I feel like there are too many projects to do at the same time (5-6 big projects each semester usually, all start at the same time and end at the same time) and I can't concentrate on any project properly in such a situation. For 2 years I didn't study at all, because I went to work full-time (plus over-time ).

Well, my situation is maybe not that bad. A lot of people I know who also studied computer science in the same university have chosen to work instead and have dropped out of school. I never let it go that far. They may have good jobs at the moment, but education is becoming more and more important and even in Estonia the better companies are usually only hiring people with at least a Masters degree.

I know one person who will finish the school in less than 4 years while he has been running his own company at the same time, and is already teaching a course in the university as well. I envy that kind of energy.

Also, I'm not exactly sure that my chosen profession is right for me. I mean, I like it and I'm good at it, but I would probably like something else just as much if not more. Something more real than computer science. But I haven't had the courage or energy to try something else. I don't even know what that something else would be.

[Kurdt]

It sounds almost like ADD. Regardless, the advice is the same: It's all about self-discipline.

I'm very similar, in that I start something and begin to lose interest in it. I used to just quit and forget it all, but the thing is that you have to push yourself to get it done. No matter what happens, make a promise to finish something and don't waver from that promise. Whatever you have to do to help you do that, do it. It really is all about self-discipline.

I'm 20 as well, and my first year of college wasn't exactly the best year ever. I hardly ever went to class, I never studied, and I just didn't care for anything that wasn't bottled or rolled. However, I made a promise to myself this year to not screw up again. I took 19 hours to catch up, and I went to class every day and payed attention to the teacher, taking notes and everything. I sort of tricked my mind into going to class. If you act like there really isn't anything better you could be doing and you want to go to class, then you'll go and you'll pay attention. I also reserved playing to certain times and stuck to that promise. This past semester, I got the best grades I'd had since 6th grade.

Writing is just the same. Focus on it, make it the most important thing you can be doing in your life. If you think that enough, your brain will be convinced and it'll start focusing more naturally. Then, you'll be well off. At least, that worked for me.

EDIT: Also, make a writing journal. When you have stray ideas or thoughts like you said, write them down and come and visit them later on. Some good stuff gets written that way.

[Kingzjester]

I know exactly where you're coming from, man. Right now, I have an unfinished Great American Novel in my drawer, a Great American Screenplay in post-it notes all over the rim of my monitor, a half-finished collection of Great American Short Stories, a Great American Sculpture in the limbo, a Great American etc...* I have no clue what I want to do, what I want to finish first... I haven't finished a single one of those and they all have potential - but it's always hard work because my standards are much too high.

It takes some perseverance, yes, but to live doing it, it also takes that asshole businessman attitude of, 'I'm cooler, smarter and more beautiful than everybody else out there and I am going to ram the universe up the ass!'

That is the facet of creative living that I am not quite down with at the moment and am trying to force myself to accept as modus vivendi... In actuality it doesn't matter if you're hard-working, or good, or loved - you just have to be in that frame of mind.


*) "Great American Novel" is a kind of clichéd aspiration for all novelists and great many new books are labled that every year on this side of the Pond, fyi.

[redhotray]

Thank you all very much for your advice, your support and for sharing your stories with me.

I'm sorry if I came across as whiny, and in need of self gratification, I guess I'm just pretty down on myself at the moment.

It's just damned irritating to keep flittering between projects, which I do all the time. I'm going to try my hardest to keep the ball rolling with the current one I'm writing in first draft form.

Right now, to read it from top to bottom would be harsh on the head and eyes. It's sheer jargon! However, I feel that if I can AT LEAST finish a crappy, drawn out, monotonous first draft, I can go through it with a fine tooth comb afterwards, and make it something moderately respectable.

That's the hope...

[remixor]

I can very much relate. I'm currently a music major in college, which is useless enough as it is, and all I really know about what I want to do with my life is that I do not want a career, I want a life that allows me to make a living, however modest, in some sort of creative field. I do not want to be stuck in any sort of 9 to 5 job for the rest of my life. Constantly, I find myself frustrated that I have not achieved more than I have, and I often worry that when I graduate I will have no feasable means of making a living. I am about to take a year off from school after this semester finishes, and during that time I hope to record some music, or work on a screenplay or, what the hell, an amateur adventure game or a comic or something. Basically, I need to prove to myself that I can do something which I aspire to do. Kingz, your point about the businessman attitude is, I'm sure, very true, but it's something I too am having a lot of trouble with. I'm only 19, but when I consider how much I COULD have accomplished by now in comparison to how much I HAVE accomplished, it's difficult to take that particular attitude. Often I will start things and make some headway before deciding it's simply not good enough and lapsing into frustration. That's something I think I need to get over before I even have a chance of getting anywhere.

Anyway, redhotray, I wish you the best of luck. It seems like there are definitely others who have experienced situations similar to yours, which is at least a bit encouraging in that it means you're not alone. Others have gone through this crap, and others have pulled through it.

[Jake]

I feel so at home in this thread I wish I had something to contribute but its all been said, or at least enough of it has been said. This thread officially steals the Best Thread Ever award away from Jim's angry TAC rant thread.

Truth be told, you do have plenty of time. I'm not sure if I believe that myself (as a 23 year old still in school, with the end only barely in sight I waffle from day to day between "I haven't accomplished enough!" and "there's plenty of time!"), but whether or not I actually believe it to be true doesn't change the fact that there's a huge amount of time still ahead of me with which I can do and make whatever ever. Unless, like, I get run over by a truck in the next couple weeks, but that fear, if you happen to have it, is for a different thread I think.

[Bard09]

Originally Posted by Jake

I feel so at home in this thread I wish I had something to contribute but its all been said, or at least enough of it has been said. This thread officially steals the Best Thread Ever award away from Jim's angry TAC rant thread.

I know what you mean, Jake! I'm surprised that so many people here feel the same way, but I guess we all have one thing in common: our age group. I think everyone who has posted has been between 18-25 in that murky college-adult-figure-out-your-life stage. I'm snug as a bug in a rug with you guys; I just turned 20 today!

I too have writing aspirations. I'm transferring universities because I was fed up with public institutions' emphasis on majors that directly lead to jobs. People seek out majors like neurobiology, pre-med, biochemistry, computer science, often without regard to the actual academic appeal of the subjects in lieu of the career they can achive with a BA in CS. It just irked me, so I am trying to transfer to a liberal arts school where I can go into debt for the sake of expanding my horizons without regard to a career.

While I'm interested in both Drama and English academically, I would LOVE to write for a living. I have no idea in what capacity; playwrighting is fascinating to me, as is journalism and screenwriting. I have started numerous works of theatre, but most have ended up as short scenes or crumpled pieces of paper. Though I have at least two years of "trying" to write theatre behind me, I have no significant piece of writing to back it up.

So redhottray, I know where you're coming from :-) Like I said before, I think it's an 18-25 age-related difficulty for those of us with creative ambitions.

What will become of us, I wonder?

[Kolzig]

Heh heh, at the moment I'm 21, and going 2nd year at Polytechinc university.

Last year was ok I guess, I got through many classes etc.
but this year I have failed every class I have gone to. The thruth is that I don't like being in that school were I'm now, last summer I tried to get to a different university, but failed in the entrance exams...
Next summer I will not fail. Maybe then I'll find the right direction to go to.

And speaking of unfinished books, I had once couple of projects, but it was like this:

Originally Posted by Kode

Do you ever resolve to do something, then not do it, and then give yourself a hundred reasons why you didn't do it and why it's okay that you didn't do it? I do that a lot and it annoys me when I think back on it. I could have done so much more, and now that I'm applying to college, and looking back on what I've done I feel like I just haven't done enough...

[mycroft]

Originally Posted by William Shakespeare

I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.

Hmm...

This quote is somehow remarkably apt for me.

I do not have anything reassuring to say, I'm afraid. Only that I can relate to everything that has been said.

As a matter of fact, I'm rather scared of the prospect that we are a generation of under-acheivers or something. Could just be the age, though.

The thing that scares me is that the education system is ready to throw me out into the big bad world by the next year, armed with a paper degree. I feel that I'm not yet prepared to venture out. I'm not ready.

I'm doing a computer engineering course, and the most scariest part about this is that the bookish knowledge counts the least. The only thing that matters is the real world experience and projects. I have about a dozen half-finished and unfinished projects on my HD. All abandoned because of lack of motivation and direction. Ranging from Advanced Data Structures, Computer Algorithms, Computer Graphics, Digital Signal Processing among others. At this point, I'm utterly, utterly directionless. At least some of you guys don't have this incapcitating issue. I had high hopes for myself when I was starting out. Now, I fear for what the future holds in store for me...

Originally Posted by Motorhead

When I was young I was the only game in town,
I thought I had it down for sure.
But time went by and I was lost in what I found,
The reasons blurred, the way unsure.
And time went by and I found out a thing or two,
My shine wore off as time wore on.

[Bard09]

Originally Posted by mycroft

As a matter of fact, I'm rather scared of the prospect that we are a generation of under-acheivers or something. Could just be the age, though.

I was actually thinking about this the other day! Someone was commenting on the world (perhaps US culture specifically, not sure) and they suggested that the world is currently a place where "mediocrity reigns supreme."

I've done a lot of thinking about it, and, as cynical as I can get, I don't believe it.

True, a lot of people in our generation (What is it? Gen X? Y? Or are these US-only terms?) seem to be excelling at mediocrity, but I don't think it is exactly what we're striving for. I see almost everyone at my age WANTING to excel at something, anything, that often all that is left is a bunch of unfinished projects.

I think the "solution" (if there even is one) is just to buckle down and focus on one thing. Do it well. I personally find that extraordinarily difficult. If you read my diatribe above, I'm all big on writing, English, and drama, but right now I'm immeasurably fascinated with stop motion animation. I'm about 50% complete with the pre-production process of a 2-3 minute short film, which will take about 2 months to complete. My friends and family are is disbelief that I've even gotten as far as I have, as I tend to leave my hopeful projects unfinished. I've resolved to see this one thing right now through until the end, no matter what.

Also, for redhottray, one thing you might want to consider is getting some more world/life experience before settling down to put it on paper. The clichéed quote "Write what you know" is entirely overused, but that doesn't make it wrong. I found that as a younger teenager I was writing consistently about teen agnst, and eventually it just became trite for me to do. Since I'm still "connected" to that life, I figure I need a little more time before I can move on to write about new things.

Oh, blast it!! I know I've generalized all too much, but I really believe that we aren't a generation of anything.... at least not yet. We're just in a transition period between learning, doing, and living, that is rather uncomfortable to deal with.

There's my dime-store wisdom for you. Probably only worth a penny :-)

[Wormsie]

Ditto to everything.

[redhotray]

This is truly amazing! Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement and your advice, I've taken it all on board, and hopefully I can make something of it.

I'm overcome that so many of you feel the same way as me, I thought that I was just a kid, moaning about dissatisfaction everyday, just being selfish, and ungreatful for what I have. It's encouraging to know that I'm not alone out there. I realize now that this is the challenge I've been waiting for, to keep me alive in the real World for just a little longer.

If anybody wants to talk about this in more depth, or wants somebody to glance at their projects for a second opinion, please feel free to contact me, I'd be happy to discuss anything. My contact details for MSN, Yahoo, AOL are by the side, and my email is [email protected].

This has been an eye opener for me, I am going to try my damnest to break my routine and finish this draft, moreso than ever now! This thread has given me, a second wind I guess you could say.

You've all been very helpful to me. More than you'll ever know...

Thank you.

[Zygomaticus]

Btw, I'm thinking of writing a book too

[Tamara]

All I've ever wanted since I was 5 years old was to be a writer. And I will write books, eventually. Like someone said, though, we don't have the breadth of experience we need to write something *big*. And that is what I want - to write something important, something that will bring fresh insights, something that means something. I don't want to write airport fiction. I'd rather write nothing than that.

So, what I'm doing for now is to create that experience for myself. Go out, live, read all I can get my hands on (university's great for that) - literature, philosophy, whatever, think, have important discussions. Write as much of my thoughts down as possible, try out new ways of writing. Try to absorb as much life as I possibly can.

[Erwin_Br]

Excuse me for the lack of originality, but I too can totally relate to most people who've responded in this thread.

I feel like I've chosen the wrong path, or something. Well, wrong is too strong a word. I think I didn't choose the best path. The path that leads to the things I really want to do. I'm attending university, but the course is boring and I'm not motivated. I should've graduated last year, but I have to continue for another year (hopefully I will graduate then and not screw up again).

Anyway, it's somehow comforting that I'm not the only one with these problems. I hope it's comforting for you too.

--Erwin

[Marek]

Oh man, this thread ... I normally don't really read these threads but this one caught my attention, and I can totally and utterly relate to most of it.

Especially the part about being 20 (21 in my case) and feeling like there's no time even though you're supposed to think the opposite. I keep having people comment on how young I am and how much I've already done but it really doesn't feel like I'm there. Annoying as hell. Erm, hard to explain. But I totally see where you're coming from.

I don't really have the "unfinished projects" problem, but it sounds to me like you need to shut down your internal "no this isn't good" system. You're not going to have the perfect sentence down right away. Just write whatever comes up in you, the best way you can, so that you at least have something with a beginning and an end. Let it rest for a little while, then come back and polish it up a bit. Repeat until you're satisfied. Totally shutting down the critical part of your brain is the only thing you can do. I'm not sure if that's any good advice at all, but it's just what I've experienced and what people around me have said too.

First you need a load of this:

To make this:

[Swordmaster]

Originally Posted by Marek

First you need a load of this:

To make this:

You also need A LOT of pressure...