[saucyminx]

Sounds like you're working in the wrong place and for people who do not appreciate you.

*edit: Try dig around and see if you can find someplace where you can really apply your skills and be happy. Don't give up!

[Jeysie]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

It's defeatist. What are you gonna do about it?

(shrug) Continue being who I really am despite the fact that I've specifically observed that it has never done anything but cause me problems because nothing else seems to operate the way I do. The only other option I can see is to go around being something I'm not, which would solve my problems at the expense of me having to hide my true self.

Well, unless somebody invents a personality transplant machine so I can genuinely *be* just like everyone else.

Peace & Luv, Liz

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Left - nautilus shell. Right - The Guggenheim Museum, New York, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

Guess it's my turn. The design of my life is based on some components that are extremely important to me, and in hindsight I realized that I live symbolically and essentially as opposed to pragmatically, which has its advantages and disadvantages. One of my life's goals is to find a balance between them and keep it sustained for as long as I can.

Love - This, above everything else, is the absolute most important component for me. I can't do anything without there not being love involved in some way. I've moved across the country for love. I went to art school for my BFA because art and design have always been elemental in my life - that is, love of beauty, harmony, balance, grace, and how to channel things to work well. I've worked in jobs where I loved helping people in various ways, such as making them look better, advising them on how to organize things in their lives, enlightening them. Love to make things better.

Friends and family - I cannot live without a support network of people who are there for me and who I can be there for and feel needed. Without this I simply exist, it's a kind of death. So I strive to feel alive through my relationships with others. There had been times in my life where I found no one within immediate reach, so I became my own family and friend for a while, until others came into view. For this to work I need to have a good relationship with myself first. From there it can spiral out well.

Goodness - I try to maintain a balance between healthy selfishness and altruism. One way of doing this is to try helping someone else when I'm feeling down. Because even if I'm sad, at least I tried to make the day of the person I smiled at or gave a compliment to. Because in the end it's not about me, it's about feeling connected and putting myself in the largest context possible and knowing that I do have some positive effect in the world. I also try to take care of myself on all levels, that's because I know I can't be good to someone else if I'm not good to me.

Environment - No one can ever truly live and flourish in a vacuum, your surroundings have a direct influence on how well you are. I've always had a survivalist instinct and can be very resourceful, and wherever I end up the first I thing I ask is, How do I make my immediate surroundings work for me?, and I go from there. For example, when I first moved to a small 'rural' town in Oregon, I knew there was little to no openness there for a gay man, and coming from a big city where there is a culture of openness and tolerance, this was very important to me. But I also knew there had to be other gay men (as there are anywhere in the world) nearby. So I sought them out and found that there was a support group that meets every 2 weeks. And that is how I made friends. I survived in an otherwise very conservative small town.

Culture and curiosity - The last thing I want is to sit on my ass all day and night and depend on the internet as my only source of experiences. That's pathetic and I feel sorry for people like who do that. So for me it's absolutely vital to be out and about and feel life directly, not vicariously. It could mean anything from sitting at cafe with a book while people watching, to taking a stroll around the block, to saying hi to the local grocery clerk and asking them how they're doing, it's good to see them. Museums and free summer outdoor concerts and festivals are some of the very best life has to offer. Why f#&k up your own life by not getting out and being open to anything?

I'll explain more in a bit.

[Karmillo]

Originally Posted by Jeysie

(shrug) Continue being who I really am despite the fact that I've specifically observed that it has never done anything but cause me problems because nothing else seems to operate the way I do. The only other option I can see is to go around being something I'm not, which would solve my problems at the expense of me having to hide my true self.

Well, unless somebody invents a personality transplant machine so I can genuinely *be* just like everyone else.

Peace & Luv, Liz

I really admire that
I can relate too, just dont want to be something i dont want to be. not gonna change for anyone but myself

[eriq]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Why not go by eriq's idea and start a small business based on helping people organize their own day-to-day lives? That way you are your own boss and don't have to deal with the bullshit of close-minded upper level managers.

I'll tell you what... you start your own business and I will design your identity package pro bono.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Karmillo

I really admire that
I can relate too, just dont want to be something i dont want to be. not gonna change for anyone but myself

I never lived my life according to others, either. I've adjusted my life to accommodate others but the problem was they never respected me. Relationships are about meeting each other halfway and my recent failed one taught me to never take my own strengths for granted and to never doubt them.

[jjacob]

Originally Posted by Thrift Store Scott

Cool!
If I make it to Amsterdam, can I be in one of your movies? I work cheap (free, in fact), I take direction well, and I have practically no self-consciousness at all (it's the character you're filming, not me).

Sure If I get accepted at the academy we'll be making movies literally non-stop to gain experience, and I'm guessing we'll always be short on 'genuine' American actors (esp. with a nice southern draw (sp?) such as yourself ) considering we'll constantly be working on near-zero budget My friend's brother is an actor with the added advantage of having a flawless American or British accent so he always gets "typecast" as an American or British person in plays (my friend, the one who's also applying at the academy, and his brother both have US, British and Dutch citizenship). Anyway, we'll work something out when the time comes

[Jeysie]

Originally Posted by eriq

I'll tell you what... you start your own business and I will design your identity package pro bono.

Heh. To be honest, I have given a lot of thought to starting my own business, and it just seems like a lot of headaches. I mean, let's take the idea of me passing myself off as an "Organizational Specialist".

1. How do you advertise? Do you just stick an ad in the paper and hope someone calls or what?

2. How do you get potential clients to take you seriously? I mean, it's not like you can get certified in Organizing 101 and wave your diploma around.

3. How much do you charge? This is the biggest stickling point for me. I've seen the nitty gritty of how much businesses charge for stuff, and it seems like they're always charging a lot of money for a little stuff.

For instance, I've seen web developing businesses quote literally $100+ to add a couple links to a webpage... something that would take me about 2 minutes, tops. I've seen companies buy $2.00 parts and sell them for $10.00 or more. Obviously there's a train of logic and lots of hidden costs here that I don't understand, because I mean, whoa otherwise.

4. Even assuming I figured all that out, what would I do if I actually got a client? Just go over to their house/office and start organizing stuff, or what? I'm no good at "inventing" stuff to do... I need to have specific goals and plans in mind.

5. Running this sort of business would require a lot of travel, and I'm currently sans car and have absolutely no prospect for getting one any time soon with my finances.

6. You have to worry about all the IRS self-employed tax stuff. I have a hard enough time filing my bog-standard W-2 forms.

7. You have to worry about making sure people actually pay you.

Etc, etc.

Working for your own boss might suck sometimes, but it brings a lot of perks: Consistent hours, regular paychecks in predicable amounts, tax stuff taken care of for you, always having specific goals and orders to follow, being able to go home after work and not have to think about work, etc.

There's a lot of small businesses in my area, so I know several business owners, and it seems like all they do is live and breathe their business. I respect people who can do that, and enjoy it, but for me personally it seems like it's even more headaches than dealing with bosses. (shrug)

All I really want is a job where I can go in each day on a predictable schedule, have a set of tasks I need to get done, do them correctly and efficiently, then go home and not think about work until the next day.

Peace & Luv, Liz

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Jeysie

Heh. To be honest, I have given a lot of thought to starting my own business, and it just seems like a lot of headaches.

And how much of a headache has your life in the past several years been compared?

[pinkgothic]

I'm going to steal Trep's style because it's brilliant.



A large chunk of my life is, in fact, designed - analysis, conceptual work, active changes, and then a resulting personality. My ability to willingly take a block out of my personality and discard it, replacing it with a new one, is now at a point that perhaps it is slightly frightening, because I do not wish to wake up one day finding I have done so again. I am fond of what I am now.

Honesty - If I were to name one virtue of myself it would be honesty. Honesty, to me, is of extreme importance. I know many who flaunt themselves honest and are nothing but rude, placing their opinions into everything, regardless whether asked or not - this sort of intrusive honesty is not what I mean, nor do I view that as the point of honesty. Honesty to me means that I never attempt to conceal who I am, and I answer truthfully if my opinion is asked. Notably, I am not free of occasionally simply stating my opinion without being asked, though I believe I seldom step on toes doing so, and I try not to make it a habit.

Responsibility - Every action prompts a reaction. I believe that whatever I have chosen to do, I must stand for, be it good or bad, and it is not always good. In a way, this is nothing other than an extension of my honesty. However, I do not equate responsibility with a bad, gnawing conscience. Simply because a reaction is bad does not mean that the action was wrong - simply that I must bear it and consider it for the future, and learn. Why do I say that? Well, there are situations which you cannot fix, for example, sudden hatred from someone to you because of something you have done - you cannot just suddenly make that hatred go away by apologising. People bear grudges. So I live with that if it happens and ends up irreversible. I do not try to blame someone else for my own mistakes.



Loyality - I believe in clearly distinguishing people and debates - disagreements will not break friendships with me, unless they happen so frequently that it is clearly an incompatability on a more basic level. I've seen so many people who will bear grudges on others for a disagreement in a single debate, otherwise good, intact friendships shattering at being nudged by that... I do not wish to copy that example. As a rule of thumb, those who are my friends can expect to stay my friends until they themselves chose to break the bond. I will help them if they need me, and sometimes if they don't. And I sure as hell will debate with them if we disagree and debates can definitely get heated. Does it scratch the friendship? No.

Egoism - I do what is best for me. Actually, this should have been in the first 'slot' - my honesty is deducted from this, my responsibility, and my loyality. I aim to make no enemies if possible whilst staying true to myself and who I am. I support those who will support me. What is best for me? That, of course, depends on the situation. It's definitely not just a flat "what makes me happy". I do distinctly seek out situations which are unlikely to do so, simply to offer a counterweight. I can revel in sadness and anger and despair just as much as in joy, because it is a rich experience. I cherish my tears. Life goes on. Ataraxia is not for me.



Religion - As an atheist in the usual sense, I have no 'religion'. I have, however, made up my own - based on the band Apollo 4 40, particularily their guitarist, Noko. Strange that I would mention this here? This, which started so much as an amused attempt at driving the folks in the band up the wall a little with good humour, has come to define me so strongly. Evidence of that is all over the place. My name, pinkgothic, is actually a non-ambiguous form of 'Pink Goth the Second' (I used to call myself pinkgoth2 and got upset that people thought I had appended 2 because the "pinkgoth" screenname was taken), the Magistra title of the Cult, with Noko being 'Pink Goth the First'. Laugh if you may, but I am starting to emotionally believe the tales I have told, and it fills that spot in my heart where other religions have failed to settle. Do I rationally believe it? I think not. But this has grown so strong within me, and come to shape me so strongly, that I feel it must be mentioned.

Hello, everyone.

This is pinkgothic, Version 4.4.*

*Interestingly enough, I'm not pulling that number out of my nose. I have numbered my 'personalities', my life segments, as I grew up. I realise that's a bit of a frightening distance to have to oneself - as I have said in the starting paragraph, I am sometimes a little scared of it; but it has been 4.4 very long now, and I intend to keep it at that number. No patches, no upgrades, no nothing. Yes, chaps - I'm willingly worse than windoze!

I'm also more silly than it, so I hope you realise that those numbers, despite existing, also have a huge chunk of humour attached to them.

Edit: Oh yes, by the way! I do hope this eradicates all rumours that I'm not, actually, insane.

[Gordon Bennett]

Originally Posted by Jeysie

Er... no offense, but I don't want to "fake" my way through anything. For everything that I get because I was faking, there's someone else who didn't get those things that would have earned them with genuine skill/talent. Plus I'm inherently honest... I'm very bad at hiding what I really am, even if I wanted to.

Oh, no offense taken. Still, I don't think that I explained my point adequately. By "faking it", I don't mean to do something that you lack the skills for, I mean to use what you do have to accomplish something you think yourself incapable of, even if it means re-defning the methods to suit yourself. Ir has more to do with challenging self-imposed limitations than it does with any real deception. I will admit, that to an honest person, doing this sort of thing does feel quite dishonest, even though it isn't.

[Jelena]

Originally Posted by Karmillo

I really admire that
I can relate too, just dont want to be something i dont want to be. not gonna change for anyone but myself

I could quote so many others here as well. I´m very impressed by you all.

I´ve lived the majority of my life doing very often (not always bur far too often) the opposite. Tried to fit in, always worried about what others might think. Always putting myself second at best. It didn´t get better when I became a mom either. That´s when you really live for someone else.
This is something I work on very hard. It wasn´t that difficult to gain another perspective, the difficulty is to apply it to every day life, and not to fall into old patterns.
Funny, I don´t regret it though (thinking about the other thread). It´s the way my life develops even though hard and difficult (lot of tears along the way) at times.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Well, as promised I get back to explaining a little further these fundamental components I use in designing my life.

Love - I'm allowing my love and desire to write and to be creative to be my intuition. So it seems, it led me back to L.A., to where I was most profilic with my diary entries years back when I went through the worst period of my life. It's here that some of the most interesting stories came. However, my final destination will be San Francisco. The reality is that it's financially impossible for me to move there right away, so staying with family first and working and saving up money is best for all practical purposes. Besides, there's no way I can not love L.A. for the time being, with its contradictions and quirks and idiosyncracies - perfect for being inspired.

Friends and family - As I did years ago when I moved back to Chicago (my hometown always), family was there for me, as they are here for me in L.A. They're like that velvety nook you can always crawl into for safety. As for friends here, well, that's one of the most exciting things I look forward to - making new friends here. Who knows where it may lead.



Goodness - I plan on continuing in California what I left off in Oregon, the men's support group. I made some incredible friendships there, truly bonding with others with whom I shared similar experiences. This is therapy for me, and one that I can extend to new people I meet. To simply give of yourself, and to get goodness from others.

Environment - L.A. is weird in a lot of ways, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way. It's rubs me the wrong way and the right way. It makes for a dynamic relationship, never boring. I'll admit, this city never really 'accommodated' me, but this time it's on my terms that I'll discover new things about it that I didn't before.



Culture and curiosity - Where I currently now live is very familial. That is, my neighbourhood was built for families and the comfort that brings. There's nothing to worry about here other than trying to decide which cafe to walk to for the afternoon. But if I want something challenging and more dynamic I can always hop on the train (just 1/2 block away) and in minutes be in downtown L.A. where high culture meets raw chaotic ethnicity. I think this is what has always invigorated me about living in the city - the friction, the tension between oft contradictory things. You could say it's not for the weak hearted or those who don't have the balls to discover themselves through the world they move in.

[samIamsad]

Conclusion - I'm going to open a bar under the sea. Still need some money, a diving mask and a piano, though.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by samsie

I'm going to open a bar under the sea....

Someone's been reading too many Bioshock previews.

[Fairygdmther]

Originally Posted by samIamsad

Conclusion - I'm going to open a bar under the sea. Still need some money, a diving mask and a piano, though.

Have you ever dived? You don't need booze - you get a high from the pressure. I've not dived under water, but years ago I worked intermittently in a hyperbaric chamber where we "dived" to one, two or three atmospheres of pressure - we used the navy terminology, though - and called it 50, 100, or 150 ft (15.24M, 30.48M, 45.72M) - the equivalent in water depth. Going down to pressure made you hot and sweaty, at pressure you were high and moved in slow motion. Coming back up it got cold enough to put frost on the windows. At pressure it made your voice high, which wasn't too bad for the gals, but one anesthesiologist, who had a deep bass voice normally, talked in falsetto when under pressure.

Actually the high is more like MJ than booze - you get spacey, and easily distracted, and you totally lose your sense of time.

Lynsie

[Stoofa]

I'm entering a major changing point in my life right now. Partly it was inspired by my health problems. Do I want to feel and live like an 80 year old when I'm only 27?! What the hell am I doing??! Why have I stayed with the same crappy doctor for FOURTEEN YEARS?! I'm stuck in a terrible rut in every area of my life and I need to roll on out of it, even if it is scary.

I'm going to school soon, I have it all planned out. I am trying not to hyperventilate at what my student loans will cost me, or worry if I'll be able to get work after I get out of school. I keep looking at mls and mooning over little bungalow houses. I want my own house! I'll never be able to afford my own house if I don't get my ass in gear. My salary will never increase enough for me to live on my own in anything other than a bachelor apartment. Plus, my job is beneath me. It really is not a challenge for me, the hard part of my job is dealing with office politics and divas, not the actual work. People tell me all the time that I'm too smart to be in the job I am, even my own boss.

One thing I did recently is I made a list of everything that made me happy. It was interesting! You all should try it. Really be honest with yourself.

This is my list, it's kind of silly. I feel so guilty and awful when I forget a birthday, it can really make me feel bad for a long period of time.

I am happy when:
- I am productive (finish projects).
- I save money every month.
- My environment is organized, tidy, and clean.
- I eat food my body likes (fish, milk, and vegetables especially).
- I socialise semi-regularly.
- I get lots of exercise outside.
- I am in charge of my own time.
- I remember people's birthdays.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Stoofa

I'm entering a major changing point in my life right now. Partly it was inspired by my health problems. Do I want to feel and live like an 80 year old when I'm only 27?! What the hell am I doing??! Why have I stayed with the same crappy doctor for FOURTEEN YEARS?! I'm stuck in a terrible rut in every area of my life and I need to roll on out of it, even if it is scary.

I'm going to school soon, I have it all planned out. I am trying not to hyperventilate at what my student loans will cost me, or worry if I'll be able to get work after I get out of school. I keep looking at mls and mooning over little bungalow houses. I want my own house! I'll never be able to afford my own house if I don't get my ass in gear. My salary will never increase enough for me to live on my own in anything other than a bachelor apartment. Plus, my job is beneath me. It really is not a challenge for me, the hard part of my job is dealing with office politics and divas, not the actual work. People tell me all the time that I'm too smart to be in the job I am, even my own boss.

O.M.F.G., Stoofsie.

YOU are the complete opposite of another forum member here (yeah, you know who you are!) who is in essentially the same situation you're in, but in your case you have the absolute balls to get up and seriously do something about it, f#&k whatever obstacles are before you, real or imagined.

YOU are to be saluted, hon.

[Stoofa]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

O.M.F.G., Stoofsie.

YOU are the complete opposite of another forum member here (yeah, you know who you are!) who is in essentially the same situation you're in, but in your case you have the absolute balls to get up and seriously do something about it, f#&k whatever obstacles are before you, real or imagined.

YOU are to be saluted, hon.

Thanks Trep! But keep in mind that it took me a really long time to be mentally prepared for this big step and it also took a bit of luck. It's really hard to "get on the wagon." I didn't go to University right after high school, I didn't qualify for a student loan at the time and I wasn't sure what I wanted to study anyway. Then came a string of low paying retail jobs that sapped my energy completely and did a real job on my confidence. I did take a 1 year course at college but nothing really came out of that and it made me even LESS confident than I was before and I gave up. I'm only able to take the steps that I am now because of a lucky break - my current job. Sucky as it is, it pays better than retail and I'm finally able to save some money. I'll be moving to the city in May or June, and then getting busy with night courses that I'd NEVER have been able to afford before.

Sometimes people just need a little luck and a little boost of confidence to be able to take a risk. If all you've been getting is crap for years and years it's very hard to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You'll never see it until you're truly ready for it - no one can make you.

[Jelena]

Originally Posted by Stoofa

Sometimes people just need a little luck and a little boost of confidence to be able to take a risk.

This luck you´re describing can also be interpreted as the result of your own ambitions. Applying for and getting this job that has given you the opportunity to go to school again. I´m sure it´s a result of your own efforts!