The Super Chit-Chat Official Text Adventure You Bastards!
 

Basically, this thread runs like a big text adventure.
I'll start.

You are in a cave.
It smells like onions.
What do you do?

> Turn on torch.

(now carry on, and help develop an epic plot)

And see the walls covered in green slim. You hear off in the distance the sound of water dripping...drip...drip....drip.... and you hear the faint sounds from above that echo through the cave.

You have been eaten by a grue.

You are now inside the grue's stomach.

> Poke stomach lining.

Upon poking the stomach lining, the Grue growls and something suddenly comes down through his throat.

The Grue has taken some Alkaseltzer.



- :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

> f*ck grue (Am I the only one who always used to try something like that?) :frown:

The grue continues taking some Alkaseltzer, and you're the only one who always used to try something like that indeed.

> damn

That's not a verb I recognize.

The grue further continues taking some Alkaseltzer.

In the Grue's stomach, you're slowly drowning in Alkaseltzer.


You will have drowned in 10 turns.



- :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

> Climb up esophagus.

You try with all your might to climb up the grue's esophagus. Unfortunately, you slip and fall right back into the Alkaseltzer-filled stomach.

You will have drowned in 9 turns.

> Look around.

Floating around in the Alkaseltzer is a key, a crowbar, a map, and a small rock, presumably remnants of a previously-digested adventurer.

You will have drowned in 8 turns.

> examine rock

Upon closer examination, the rock is in fact a rolled up ball of tinfoil covered in bacteria. It feels heavy.

You will have drowned in seven turns

>unwrap tinfoil

Inside, you find a ball of something that looks like chocolate. Before you can eat it, it dissolves in the alkaseltzer and is absorbed into the lining of the grue's stomach. This sets off a heavy shudder, and you feel yourself slipping further downward.

You will have drowned in six turns

>shape tinfoil into fedora.

You will feel much less silly now, seeing as what you're about to do.

>use crowbar on gnarled knob in esophagus opening.

The sudden influx of alkaseltzer and stomach acid has softened the crowbar, allowing you to make a whip out of it. You climb up, and are now hanging above the bubbling gruel.

Though you're not out of the Grue's guts quite yet, you feel safe for the moment in your current position.

>Unroll Map

Daventry? You have never heard of such a place. Perhaps its owner was the unfortunate soul whose floating possessions now crowd your inventory. Just as you begin to feel sorry for the poor fellow, you notice a blue cap bubble up to the surface. A red feather is sticking out.

>Grab feather

You were able to reach down just far enough to snatch up the feather with the tips of your fingers.

> Tickle esophagus with feather.

With a sudden lurching noise, you find yourself violently ejected out of the grue's mouth, then landing sprawled out onto the cavern floor. You then realise that owing to the bubbling gruel digesting all of your clothing, you are now completely naked.

>Cover genitals with feather

The unfortunate truth of the matter is that the tiny feather could, in fact, provide ample cover for your private area. Perhaps there is a more productive use for it, however? After all, it already saved you from certain death within the grue.

> Cover breasts with feather.

What? You're a girl? But girls don't play adventure games!

There are a large number of orks approaching you.

>flash your norks to the orks

I don't have any norks. I'm an adventure game.

>let grue get a good luck at you

The mere sight of a pasty white adventure gamer kills the grue instantly.

>use tinfoil hat to make better accomodations for decency

It looks odd. Fortunately, you're still in the cave alone.

>Take a better look around cave

A wizard appears before you.

You suddenly realize that you are standing in the cavern of the evil wizard. All around you are the carcasses of slain ice dwarves. What will you do?

>Melt wizard

What do you want to melt him with?

>Throw thermal pod

You do not have this item in inventory. But yeah, we liked that movie too...

> Accuse game of racism.

Oh, so I see you're taking issue with my referral to you as pasty and white, now are you? Well, you know what? It's not easy coming up with a player character who fits the description of every person who could conceivably play this game. Sometimes, a game has no choice but to go with the established majority, okay? Yeesh!

> Use bell hooks on society dominated by white male heterosexuals.

bell hooks seems to be indisposed at the moment. You'll have to explore the radical space of the margins another time.

> Go north.

Sadly, your compass got digested by the grue's stomach fluids, meaning that you have no idea where north is. You therefore find yourself walking in whatever random direction tickles your fancy.

>start to feel cold.

You must be heading north.

>realize that you must be on one minute space rock, if you're feeling the effects of going north immediately.

Yeah....

>cloth yourself more adequately

You go to a small clearing, and stand still, smiling. After a while an animal - a deer perhaps - appears from out of the trees and watches you cautiously. You continue to smile at it, your eyes soften and shine, and you seem to radiate a deep and universal love, a love which reaches out to embrace all creation. A wonderful quietness descends upon the surrounding countryside, peaceful and serene, emanating from you. Slowly the deer approaches, step by step, until it is almost muzzling you, whereupon you reach out and snap its neck, and skin it for its hide.

> Examine makeshift clothing.

You strike a statuesque pose and take a good look at yourself. You find yourself quite stunning, at least in a Fred Flintstone sort of way.

Meanwhile, Bambi begins to cry over the loss of his mother.

> Bambi breaks down into a fetal position heap, sobbing uncontrollably

I rifle through her pockets for change and come upon a small jewel. I rub the jewel.

> A 200 foot tree full of stinky pink leaves erupts in front of you.

I climb the tree.

Wait a minute. This is a text adventure, not a transcript of a cybersex session. Have you ever even PLAYED one of these things before?

> Sadly, no.

Oh. Okay. Well, the part after the ">" is what you, the player, type in, and everything that is not indented with a ">" is a response from me, the game. Also, you can usually only input one command at a time, although I might honour more of them if I'm in a good enough mood. Capice?

> Sure, whatever.

All right, so where were we again?

> Climb tree.

You climb about three metres up the tree of stinky pink leaves. Suddenly, a tiny little bird flies out of the tree and pecks at your hands repeatedly. You then let go of your grip in surprise and fall straight to the ground, where you then find yourself writhing in agonized pain.

> get up

Easier said than done, you spotty little sod!

> inventory

You are carrying a key, a map of Daventry, a whip (made out of a softened crowbar) and a tube of "Fix broken back from falling out of tree" ointment.

You are wearing a feather and a fedora made out of tinfoil (both in the same place.

> use ointment

Because the computer is fairly dirty minded, the ointment is used for an activity that, while being a good reliever of stress and fairly enjoyable, is hardly appropriate for this environment.
You feel more jumpy and agile, though you used half the bottle of ointment.

> use ointment to heal broken back.

Where did you get that ointment? It smells like that stinky tree... wait a minute--vines are coming out of your spine!

> jumps into pond

The water drowns these mysterious animal vines, however, environmentalists have been alerted and are searching the cave for you!

> Pick up rock.

You pick up a nearby rock, and say: "them environmentalists are gonna geddit."

The rock replies by slapping you in the face. "That's the worst pickup line I've heard since 'If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put your sister and I together,'" it screams. Then, it walks away, haughtily, leaving you alone and dateless with severe jaw pain.

> Sulk.

You sulk. Still, that isn't going to help you at all against the environmentalists.

> Inventory

You are carrying a key, a map of Daventry, a whip (made out of a softened crowbar) and a tube of "Fix broken back from falling out of tree" ointment. The tube is almost empty.

> use whip on environmentalists

The environmentalists turn out to be masochists as well. They pleed for more and forget all about the pond.

> Make origami out of map.

You pull out the map of Daventry and fold it into a beautiful paper crane. The environmentalists ooh and aah in amazement.

> Throw crane into pond.

You throw the paper crane into the pond. The environmentalists jump right in after it and drown.

You also notice that one of the environmentalists dropped a map of the cave on the floor.

> Take map.

The map moans in delight.

> Examine map.

"This won't hurt a bit," you tell the map, as you begin to scrutinize it thoroughly. Upon closer inspection, you discover that it is, in fact, a map of the grue digestive system. "Well, gee, this would have come in handy a LOT earlier," you mutter to yourself.

A small section of the lower intestines glows slightly.

> holds up map to candle light

You discover where the rebels base is!

"O, no, there is a rebels base nearby!" you think. You decide to stay away from it as far as possible. Rebels bases are not safe for naked girls wrapped in still bleeding deer hide. Speaking of which, you feel very dirty and want to go home.

> exits

There is a gaping hole to your east, a gaping hole to your west, and a revolving door directly north.

> north

You go through the revolving door, but arrive in the same location, but more disorientated and feeling slightly sick.

> east

You jump in the hole. The weighlessness makes you vomit violently. As you fall into the fissure you know the book will not be destroyed as you had planned.

> cry

<sniffle> You are sad.

You fall into a pool of clear, warm water that breaks your fall. After you reach the surface again you realis/ze that you have lost all your posessions, including the deer skin you were wearing.

> exits

The shore is to the east, and close by

> east

After a few minutes you walk ashore. There is nobody here. A lush tropical rainforest can be seen south of you.

You hear the rumble of thunder in the distance.

>Look at Chachapoian temple

A dark hole leads into a hillside.

>Make comment about competition.

"Forrestal was good... he was very, very good."