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Old 02-06-2004, 11:51 AM   #11
DomStLeger
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I think I agree with Fairygdmther, she has some very good points. I especially agree that it comes across to the reader as being somewhat pretentious in it's negative take on the suburban lifestyle. While you're obviously welcome to your opinions, I think you risk alienating your reader by expressing them in a manner that comes across as too disdainful. For example, the use of Nice as if it were a dirty word works well at first but it's used so much that I eventually felt the humour was replaced by fatigue and a feeling that the reader is being told off for ever having thought nice is acceptable. I don't know if this is a good way of expressing it but when I'm reading I like to feel I'm in on the joke rather than being laughed at.

I liked the absurd style of humour alot though; for example "Michael B. always had a crick in his neck from compulsively grooming his lawn. Because of constant neck pain his eyes bulged and he ground his teeth.". Thats a real gift of yours Kingz and you demonstrate it well in this writing.

All in all I'd probably keep on reading but if I felt I was being preached at or told off for not agreeing with your take I'd probably stop. It's not the content of that message, it's just how it's being expressed.
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