02-04-2004, 09:08 PM | #1 |
Tactlessly understated
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Sample writing, critique away
I don't know where I am going with this... well, that is a lie. I know exactly where this story is going. I am but posting a small bit for thine critique first:
The Abhorrent Crime of Michael C. |
02-04-2004, 09:12 PM | #2 |
Banned User
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I somehow figured that what I was about to read would be tedious and suck, but it wasn't. It held me by the testicles.
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02-04-2004, 09:22 PM | #3 | |
Liver of Life
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,317
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02-05-2004, 12:33 AM | #4 |
Magic Wand Waver
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You do realize how vulnerable you are by inviting critique? Please understand this is not an attack on you personally. Your technique of speaking familiarly with your reader is a good one to draw your reader in, but then you lecture indirectly, eg, "authentic faux brick siding" and "genuine simulated wood shingles", pointing out pretentiously their materialistic exhibitions. Though the oxymorons are commonly used in advertising, they distance you the narrator from your characters in a very snotty manner. You are more forgiving with Mark, though less descriptive, of his black house, and yard gone to wild growth, in an otherwise traditional neighborhood of manicured lawns. This shows further your disdain for the "home in the burbs, 2 cars in the garage, 2.3 kids, all attending soccer, kung fu, and gymnastics". While you as author/narrator are free to express your own opinion, you might want to think about all who you will alienate from your rebellious stance. Then again, I don't know who your potential audience will be. Perhaps the traditional is so loathsome to you, that it doesn't matter. If this is the opening to a book, you may want to suck your readers in a bit more before espousing your views so openly. If it is to be a short story, then of course your picture must be painted earlier and with more clarity.
BTW I am not a teacher or literary critic - merely a voracious reader. These are just my opinions, and again, not an attack. Heed or ignore as you wish. FGM
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02-05-2004, 10:05 AM | #5 | |
Tactlessly understated
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Your disclaimers are superficial, though. It is highly unlikely that you will express anything but your opinion, and being no stranger to critique, positive or negative, I do know how to distinguish between personal attacks and criticism of my work. It is a short story and this is merely a first draft. |
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02-05-2004, 02:33 PM | #6 |
Part time writer for hire
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Seems intriguing. Some very good description included in the very early parts, but I'd like to see more before I say anything more.
Keep us updated. |
02-05-2004, 04:10 PM | #7 |
Umbilicus Mundi
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The paragraphs are so long that I suspect it's boring. I'll read it when I'm bored.
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02-05-2004, 04:11 PM | #8 | |
Liver of Life
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Either way, sorry for interrupting so pointlessly. Last edited by Zygomaticus; 02-05-2004 at 04:21 PM. |
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02-06-2004, 11:07 AM | #9 |
A Servicable Villain
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I liked it! I think it's a good thing it's a short story, because I daren't guess how long you'd be able to keep up all that witticism, the wonderous anecdotes and the quite heavy style. It was a tough piece to read (tough as in: it usurps a lot of energy through its narrative style), but very well worth it! It's comedy in a different way than Pratchett or Adams, which is good for all its originality.
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02-06-2004, 11:27 AM | #10 | |
Tactlessly understated
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02-06-2004, 11:51 AM | #11 |
Whinging Pom
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I think I agree with Fairygdmther, she has some very good points. I especially agree that it comes across to the reader as being somewhat pretentious in it's negative take on the suburban lifestyle. While you're obviously welcome to your opinions, I think you risk alienating your reader by expressing them in a manner that comes across as too disdainful. For example, the use of Nice as if it were a dirty word works well at first but it's used so much that I eventually felt the humour was replaced by fatigue and a feeling that the reader is being told off for ever having thought nice is acceptable. I don't know if this is a good way of expressing it but when I'm reading I like to feel I'm in on the joke rather than being laughed at.
I liked the absurd style of humour alot though; for example "Michael B. always had a crick in his neck from compulsively grooming his lawn. Because of constant neck pain his eyes bulged and he ground his teeth.". Thats a real gift of yours Kingz and you demonstrate it well in this writing. All in all I'd probably keep on reading but if I felt I was being preached at or told off for not agreeing with your take I'd probably stop. It's not the content of that message, it's just how it's being expressed.
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02-06-2004, 12:16 PM | #12 | |
Umbilicus Mundi
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I partly agree with Dom and Fairygdmthr. A few more pages and you could alienate a lot of readers. In the worst case scenario, by the end of the story you would just be preaching to the choir, sort of. "A smallish, sallow man, he looked very much like that wee, slinky Judas figure from that much praised triple-portion movie that came out in increments recently... You know, the one made after a saccharine epic written by some English pansy linguist" This felt completely unrelated for example and directed my attention away from your story.
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02-06-2004, 12:16 PM | #13 |
Tactlessly understated
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Oh, she's so nice.
Now, isn't that nice! How nice of you to say that! I hate the word 'nice' it is such a flimsy word. It really means nothing. I guess I kill it completely through repetition... or perhaps I want it to ring in people's ears? I guess I am disdainful towards suburban life because it seems so artificial to me - no less artificial though than the life of people who live in remodeled churches or warehouses in inner cities. My snobbish disgust is bred of personal experience. I am making as much fun of other people as I am of myself. And why is ridicule bad? Writing has to be pretty bland to be agreeable to everybody. |
02-06-2004, 12:20 PM | #14 | |
Tactlessly understated
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02-06-2004, 12:24 PM | #15 |
merely human
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I absolutely found it underhandedly acerbic, scathing, soap-box-hoarding, disdainful, and merciless. I want more. Adding to Fairygdmther's criticism, it's this kind of severity that discomforts some 'sensitive' minds, for better or worse. So what? Why should you appease just one type of demographic? That you may be distancing a particular audience has more to do with their self-perceptions and decisions rather than what you present to them. There are other audiences that would appreciate this kind of parable, even if it is spiced to render it unpalatable in places. Pragmatically, you can't be both a good [fiction] writer and an apologist at the same time.
This is why I love writers like Florence King, Dorothy Parker, and Fran Leibowitz. And Dom, nice is a dirty word, one of the best. I never use it unless I need something particularly penetrating on someone: "Oh, that's.....nice." It's brilliantly wicked.
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02-06-2004, 12:38 PM | #16 | |
rare groove
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02-07-2004, 10:31 AM | #17 | |
Whinging Pom
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Maybe I'm just talking rubbish, I don't know. Anyway it's just my opinion, and it wouldn't stop me personally reading the rest. Overall I liked it, it is very funny and I'm glad you shared it with us. It was nice.
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