My upcoming birthday [groan]
 

I haven't been very open here in the past, but I need to get this out of my system, and I don't exactly have any friends in the real world. Maybe if I write it up I'll feel better. My 18th birthday is coming up soon, and it's really getting to me. This is the legal age of adulthood, and what I really want is to push that off, oh, say five more years. It's not that there's any specific problem than this; it's just the general concept that now I will be expected by society to be an adult.

Oy, listen to me, I sound like a condescending kid's cartoon written by adults. This is awkward. I'm out of high school, and have no job (well, I have one very small job once a month, just so I have enough money to buy a game once in a blue moon). Studying any more is out of the question. The question I'm facing is obviously, "What do I want to do with my life?", but I really don't want to answer that question. It's so much easier to ignore it, like I've ignored everything I didn't like in my life. The fact is, I know exactly what I want to do with my life- I'd like to do as little as possible.

But this answer isn't good enough. I want to make games, I really do. Or maybe I don't. Maybe I just want to be at the top, to be in a position where I can make games. Ugh, I don't know what I want. I certainly don't want anything enough to work for it. Yeah, that's a good excuse. Maybe now I can play my games in peace. Okay.

So I've said it. Hm, I don't feel any better. :frown:

If you want to 'make' games you're going to have to specialize, graphics and programming are the main ones.

And its impossible to get a job in the game making industry without a few years experience.

Dont worry, Im sure things will work out.

I think it's very nice that you're turning 18, soon. 18 is a very nice age, IMHO. Wish I could turn 18 all over again. Whatever it is, let life surprise you. And heck, if you wanna make games, go make games. But make sure you find out first what does it take to make games.

Mory, 18 is too young to be making the kind of decisions that will affect you the rest of your life. You are just on the threshhold of being an adult. If you're not quite ready to decide, then work at a job you can stand for a while, even part-time, to show that you are capable of doing this - trust me, working is easier than school. Talk to as many people your own age as you can, and find out what they will be doing to get some ideas, and what is available where you live.

There are many kinds of work that don't require college, like carpentry, plumbing, landscaping, laying floor tiles and rugs, heating and A/C, auto mechanic (talk to Scott), etc. These are the hands-on kinds of things and can be very rewarding to see your work when it's done. Making games requires college and is a very tough course, as well as very tough work, with a great deal of pressure on you to put out in long hours and not a great deal of pay.

Lynsie

Yeah, well, "things will work out" has always been my motto, but it doesn't actually lead you anywhere. But then, I'm not sure I want to go anywhere. I certainly don't want to program, and I have roughly zero skill in drawing- my skill is in game design, I think. That is, assuming I actually have any skill at all, which is not at all a certainty.

making a successful game: 60% well-coordinated TEAMWORK within a knowledgeable group, 30% marketing plus 10% sheer luck. If it is an adventure game, there is also a chance that it will be sought for, even 2 or 3years after its publication, IF you produce something more popular afterwards.
(which will arise interest in your other products)

But if you build the game heavily on visuals (D3D or OpenGL eye-candies),
it will get outdated in less than 2 months; so marketing and timing of publication is quintessential.

I wish you luck with future decisions, too :)

I'm doing my degree in carpentry and when Im finished I can just walk in and work. I recommend you go to college if you want to do a trait, its just harder not going to college.

And game making is a reskee busness, you wont be able to make adventure games for a living, as you can clearly see theres no market for it. (big enough for EA or VU)

Lynsie: I did a job I could handle for a few months. I was tutoring a 12-year-old kid in Visual Basic 6. See, though in recent years I've gotten sick of programming, I actually know how to do it since I enjoyed it a lot as a grade-schooler. Anyhow, this tutoring job took a tremendous amount of effort to prepare the lessons and think of homework and ensure that I wasn't missing anything and try to get the difficulty curve right and not overwhelm him but reward his progress, blah blah blah. I did all this compulsively, because when I commit to a job, I can't bear the thought of doing it badly. I could handle this job, had nothing else to do in the week, etc. You know what?- I hated it almost as much as I hated being imprisoned in a classroom. It wasn't bad work. I took it gladly. But at the end of each lesson, I felt no pride, no satisfaction- just relief that I would be free for another week.

I'm sort of a musician. "Sort of", because I have the skill, but never really wanted it. I have no particular love for music, but I can't help but come up with new themes, can't help but improvise on the piano. I've gotten very little satisfaction from completing a piece. I get much more reward from an improvisation, though it is completely nonproductive. I just took a job a few days ago, a simple, tedious job: transposing a song, and its piano accompaniment, from one scale to another. I worked on this compulsively, of course, ensuring that it looked sufficiently professional and that all the dynamics and accents were copied, and that there should be no mistakes, blah blah blah. It wasn't a bad job. I didn't enjoy it for one moment. No satisfaction. Just the relief that I was finished, and could get back to playing Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.

I don't get satisfaction from looking at the finished work, because all I can think about is the suffering it took me to get there. I don't get satisfaction from being payed. I don't get satisfaction from praise. As far as I can tell, the story always told about the satisfaction of a job well done is a myth.

I do find it satisfying to think about games, to plan games, to criticize games, to appraise games. I've tried dealing with game programming, and it's a nightmare. It's so tedious and technical- I am so overwhelmed by the medium that I can't get to the art.

You know what I felt when I got out of high school? Relief. I'd been waiting for that day for a decade. No satisfaction, though there was very little effort involved in any year (almost on principle). No reward but a piece of paper. When I say that more school is out of the question, I mean that literally: I do not ask "Will I go to college?". The idea of willingly putting myself back into prison is unthinkable.


These are the real issues. Of course it is not the number eighteen which scares me. It is the prison world that number symbolizes, a world which I have no desire to be a part of. But what alternative do I have? ;(

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, Moriarty, but my 26th birthday is coming up soon as well, and I'm having pretty much the same problems you are (well, granted, except that I don't want to make games and I have several years of work experience under my belt).

I highly recommend going to college myself. I don't know what getting work is like in the part of the world where you set up kip, but I know that because of the way the working world operates where I live I very much regret not going to college. The longer you put off going, the harder it gets to be able to go once you realize you should. :P

But if the thought of more studying is just too horrid to bear, at the very least follow the Godmother's advice and go out and get a job, just anything that pays for the time being.

I'll echo the sentiment that if you're a lazy sort of person (not meant as an insult, since I'm a lazy sort of person) then getting a job in the "formal" game industry prolly wouldn't work so well... you can always try satiating your game-creating urges by making fangames, or maybe shareware games as a small side gig.

Edit: Hmm, I wrote this while you were in the middle of writing your post. I can understand the problem of lack of motivation (although mine takes a different route than yours). Have you ever tried being a "game editorialist"? I find your posts here in the forums to be interesting, and it would let you concentrate on your love of thinking about games.

Peace & Luv, Liz

What she said! You made it through your Bar Mitzvah, you'll make it through turning 18. At least for this you don't have to learn anything in Hebrew, nor do you have to recite anything in front of a room full of people. ;)

Of the careers FGM listed, plumbing and heating & A/C (which are very similar disciplines and are usually considered one and the same) has the highest earning potential, plus you'd normally be working indoors. Very little creativity is required, but a certificate from a technical school usually is. Of course, you can always try working for a summer with a plumbing/HVAC guy to see if you like it.
Carpentry is a wide field that covers many specialties, from framing houses to building and installing cabinets to creating beautiful and useful furniture. Pay scales and the comfort level of the work environment vary accordingly, but cabinet maker is generally the best compromise.
Laying tile can be great if you have a creative bent. Top tile guys command absurd fees for their work, but an anal-retentive perfectionist streak is necessary to be tops in this field. If you're good at creating mosaics, then the world could be your oyster.
Auto mechanics are the Rodney Dangerfields of the trade community...we get no respect! Lots of guys with no mechanical aptitude whatsoever think this specialty will be a walk, and they soon find out otherwise. It's filthy work that doesn't pay very well, so unless you're really into cars I don't recommend it.
Landscaping demands very strong people skills, as Mrs. Nit-Pick will expect you to remove every single leaf from her lawn, place pine straw (not leaves) in her flower beds, and maintain healthy plants in environments for which those plants are wildly unsuited (think palm trees in Minnesota), all the while doing so with a smile and a "Yes Ma'am".
Laying carpet is just a job, is very physically demanding, and unless you own the carpet store doesn't pay very well.

Well watever you do make sure you have a good party or something on your 18th, I wasted mine :frown:

Do something big that youll have good memories or atleast can look back and laugh at!

Heh- you have no idea how on the mark you are with this comment. (I did much more than the average guy for my Bar Mitzvah.) Still, I wasn't worried in the slightest back then- I didn't yet know what I was getting myself into. It seems like so long ago that I took it for granted that the world would allow me to enjoy myself. I know that in one way or another I'll survive, but the devil's in the details.


Stop right there. The less creativity, the less depth. The less depth, the sooner I go out of my mind.

Anyhow, anything physical is a bad idea for me- I'm a complete klutz.

Oh, and anything that takes "people skills" is a bad idea for me- I have none.

Oh, and anything that takes any effort at all is a recipe for misery.

I'd like to go home to my alternate universe now. :\

:\ -----

That was a bit vague, sorry. Look, it's just, I don't actually have any good friends, and I don't enjoy spending time with my family, so this morning...
Um, this morning, I woke up, and thought to myself, "What's the best way to celebrate my birthday?" and I thought of going on a bus to Jerusalem by myself and going to a steak house and getting a rare sirloin and enjoying the moment and then it would pass and I'd come home and maybe pretend that it was enough and... and.

I think that was it.

I have some thoughts, Moriarty... or at least, some questions.

1. What do you enjoy doing?

2. What do you hate doing?

2. What do you think you're good at?

3. What do you think you're not good at?

4. What sort of activities give you satisfaction to do?

Maybe we can work off that to give you some advice... or maybe it'll help you organize your thoughts on your own just by writing it out. :)

Peace & Luv, Liz

Man, what would I give to be 18...

First of all, you don't have to grow up now, maybe never. I still haven't and most of my friends haven't either, even though some of them think they have. :)

You know you want to be a game designer. That's great, I do too, I only wish I knew that when I was still 18. But are you sure that's what you want? Judging by the stuff you write here, maybe you'd be happier as a game theorist or something like that.

Personally, I think you, well, think too much. Just sit down and write a design document for a simple game. Don't ponder on it for ages trying to make it innovative or significant, just design something. Then find some people, maybe even on these forums, and make that game a reality. Cause that's what being a game designer is all about, making your designs work, breaking your teeth on implementing something, seeing what works and what doesn't with your own eyes, learning to coordinate a team of people... Perhaps it will turn out a shitty game, but you'll grow and get a sense of accomplishment. If it's not for you, you'll know it then, and if it is, do it again, but this time aim a little higher. Try to get a job as a tester, many people climb their way to game design from there. Work on your skills till you feel you've masterd your craftmanship. Then start thinking about metaludes and what not. :)

In some ways I'm pretty much like you, but you've got 8 years on me and I'm not worried about my future yet - or should I say anymore. Most people go through those questions at some time in their lives, you just need to realize that the answers will present themselves eventually. You genuinely surprised me with this "I'm turning 18" speech, I thought you were much older. You seem like a very intelligent lad, but what you lack is one thing that comes with experience, just like in games. You'll get there, don't worry, just take one step at the time.

@Jeysie:

Well, you guys already know what I love doing: I love rambling on and on about whatever game design ideas pop up into my head. Can't imagine any of you really tolerated reading it, but... Anyway, I love coming up with new ideas. I love coming up with ideas which are completely outrageous, but make perfect sense. That has got to be the most satisfying feeling ever.

On the flipside, I hate repetition and redundancy. Often I get interested in something, read up on it as much as I can, then get sick of it when it gets too familiar and never touch it again. For example, I once was really interested in playing piano, so I went out of my way to get lessons, but it became a chore when I understood what I was in for. I'm not taking any lessons anymore, and never play any music unless I compose it myself. Or I was once really excited about math, and read so much math that I was around three years ahead of my grade, but eventually I understood what it was like and lost interest. I never actually did the final math tests, or even finished the high school material for that matter.

I don't actually know what I'm good at, since there's no one to tell me. Well, that's not quite true. Everyone says I'm good at music; I was let into the Jerusalem Academy of Music very late, despite not knowing a lot of material, because I was told that I could compose well. I don't know if I'm good at music, though. I just do it for fun, you know? I play piano as a game; I have this three-part "Improvised Sonata" which has these very complex rules I need to follow, though I can make up new rules as I go along. It's fun, and unpredictable. What was I talking about again? Oh, right, my not knowing whether I'm any good. See, everyone says I'm good, but I never wanted to be good, and I think it all sounds completely derivative, you know? Like I don't really have any originality.

I know of a bunch of things I'm certainly not good at. I'm not good at socializing, I'm not good at anything involving endless facts and rules, I'm not good at doing anything I'm told. I'm not good at anything involving manual dexterity without a controller.

Well, as I said before, exactly what I want is a bit unclear to me. Especially when I try to graft that picture onto the real world, which gets really messy... But I know one thing: most of my dreams involve games which revolutionize their art forms, and none of them involve writing books and giving lectures and telling other people to agree with me. Doesn't sound too appealing, really. The reason I'm always so excited about theory is that I'm looking for what can be done with it; the theory isn't a goal in and of itself.

Oh! Oh! I have something! I have something! See, I've been thinking about what kind of game would be simple enough for me to be capable of programming it, yet revolutionary enough for me to not feel ashamed, bored, and depressed all together, and I came up with an idea. Do you want to hear it? But even in writing the design document itself, I'm really suffering from the lack of a decent design language to think into, and I've already sort of burnt out just a few paragraphs in. It's tedious work actually writing it out. This was supposed to be the path to my future, you know. Maybe the problem's just the lack of any motivation.

There's literature to help you with organizing your thoughts. You've read some books on game design, I suppose? The one I'd recommend is (here we go again) Game Design: Theory and Practice (2nd Edition), especially since one of its chapters deals precisely with writing a design document and there are even two sample documents at the end of the book. It's my favorite book on game design out of 3 or 4 I've read so far - some of them claimed they were on game design, but were mostly about level design or game development in general.

And yeah, I'd like to hear about your idea. I wouldn't mind sharing some of mine, either, if you're interested.

There are loads of people out there who have no idea where they want to go in life, you're definitely not alone in that.

Ever think about just messing around for a few years? 18 is very young, you still have to unwind from all of the stress and burn out of high school.

Actually, I've never read any books on game design. When asked where to put my money (I never have much of it), I prefer to put it in an innovative game that is almost certain to inspire me than in a book with questionable theory which I am most likely to disagree with. Of course, the only reason that I expect to disagree with any game design theory I read is from hearing some things so-called "experts" say on the internet. Since I've never read a book, I really can't know for sure. So I'll keep this book in mind.

Anyhow, here's what I've written so far.




Classification: virtual character

Concept
A smilie (named “Smilie” for the purposes of this document) embodying innocence and simplicity. The short game starts with Smilie waking up, and ends with Smilie falling asleep. In between, the player uncovers Smilie's personality by playing with him using the mouse. The course of the game follows branching paths, determined by the player's method of play. In this way, the player develops a small connection to Smilie.


Design


0\Neutral.
Smilie is in center screen, asleep. He is a circle, with giant eyes, a thin line as a mouth, and no nose. For the moment, he is slightly flattened, but breathes in and out, which increases height to almost full and back down in an animation. Cursor underneath Smilie onscreen. Title fades in at top of screen. Text fades out.
-Player clicks on Smilie: \Irritated

1\Neutral.
Smilie opens left eye and looks around.
-Cursor is far away from Smilie: He closes his eye again, waits a second, yawns with lipsmack, and gets up (full height). \Curious
-Cursor is nearby: \Alert

1\Irritated.
Smilie pretends to be asleep (sleeping animation stops) but moves away from the cursor.
-Player clicks on Smilie: \Alert

2\Curious.
-Cursor is still: Smilie moves back and forth quickly, to see the cursor from different angles.
Smilie moves toward the cursor slowly.

2\Alert.
Smilie suddenly jumps out of the way and opens both eyes instantly. He watches the cursor's movement.
-Player clicks on Smilie again: \Scared
He gets up without yawn (full height), and watches the cursor for a while without moving.

I guess it would be easier if I had no dreams at all. No matter where I ended up, I could potentially be satisfied. My situation is a bit more complicated, I think.
Well, I have been "messing around" for more than half a year now, and it's blown past like an hour. But stress and burn-out? Wouldn't know about all those. In my last year of high school, I was so furious with the principles the school system is built on that I refused to do any work at all. All things considered, it was better than my reaction to the last year of grade school, when I wanted to kill myself. Anyhow, yeah, it is really good to be out of there, but 18 has this whole symbolic significance going. This is when my father will get an urge to kick me out of the house.

Jeysie has brought up some good questions to ask. It is vital to understand yourself in order to work towards your own fulfillment. Right now, I am actually only beginning to embark on my second career, after a failed attempt at establishing my first. The process has taught me quite a lot.

1. Know what it is you love, and pursue it without fear. I did what I thought I had a talent for and would provide a safe career opportunity, but discovered that it made me very unhappy. Now, I am taking a much greater risk in time, effort, and money to try to do what I always wanted, but was afraid to try.

2. Knowing the true extent of your talents can be difficult. It is more than just the things you do well. Talent often manifests itself by things coming to you easily. I know I failed to recognize my own talents because I assumed that if something was easy for me, it was just as easy for everyone else, and they didn't do those things only by lack of interest.

3. You do not have to plan your whole life now. Or ever. It's worth trying out something that seems to appeal to you by taking a job or a class, even if it is just to see if you actually like it. Even if you don't, it is experience that will help you find the direction you want to be in.

4. The best way to find people you can relate to is work towards doing the things you love. When you do, you will be around people with similar ambitions, and among them you will find some understanding.

5. Don't try to choose a job from a list in your head. Look for a direction or an enviroment to be in, and for skills you want to develop. There are many jobs out there that you don't even know exist right now. For instance, I knew a guy who started out to be a DJ, and ended up in New York advising advertisers on music to use as the soundtracks to TV commercials. He was happy with it, because he was making a living working with and sharing the music he loved.

6. It is perfectly natural to be afraid of failure. There is nothing wrong with that. The answer is that if you don't try, then failure is guaranteed. You need to take risks in order to get where you want to go.

7. It is a big world out there, with wide and varied places and opportunities. You don't have to stay where you are if you think you might find something better elsewhere. Home can be more than one place, if you want it to be.

When I read your posts I get worried and I have a feeling you´re going through a real depression. When a depression hits you your mind actually get "kidnapped" with negative thoughts and it can be overwhelming to get through it on your own. Beeing in such a position makes it really hard to think about the future when the present is tough enough.

It´s obvious you are a talented person getting into the music academy so I interpret your writing about lack of talent as a big negative thought.
Both math and music go together and since you have a talent for both that could eventually be a clue for what you want to do in your life besides creating games.

18 is still beeing young so don´t feel the pressure of having to decide the rest of your life this year. But do talk to your parents and tell them about your feelings. Since I´m a parent to teenage kids myself I know that parents care and want to help as much as they can even though they seem annoying and old fashioned. (and a lot of other things too;) )

When I was in college and worked in a drugstore, managing the one-hour photo department while also being expected to cover the cash registers, I eventually became so good at moving about the lab and doing what I needed to do that very little thought was ever required. Every move I made was automatic, nothing had to be newly planned because I set up the lab's operation so that everything fell neatly within my pre-existing design for the day, and even when the unexpected happened I was prepared, because I knew photo developing and customer service well enough that I could handle anything. My work was virtually mindless, I was an automaton going through the motions, and this is when I truly began to enjoy my job. Why? Because with my mind free, I could entertain any thought I wanted to during my workday. When I finally began doing computer programming full-time, I was rather disappointed, because while I enjoyed the work on a number of levels, my mind was less free to wander. During the period that I worked at the drugstore, I patented several inventions, worked out a novel in my head which I'm in the process of getting published, practiced Japanese grammar, and just plain enjoyed having my mind to myself. Since then, most of my intellectual and creative energy has been sucked up by demanding jobs with tight deadlines, and even the process of writing my novel down required very little thought beyond what I'd already worked out during my days at the drugstore. Thankfully, I'm now moving out of programming and into business management and sales, which does have certain challenges but which I also find pretty mindless on some levels. I'm beginning to enjoy some thinking time to myself again.

For an introspective person like me, a job lacking creativity and mental stimulation can be a good thing. It leaves my mind truly free to do whatever it wants, without worry about the job at hand. Hopefully you'll be one of the lucky ones who ends up doing something he perfectly enjoys, but if you do ever have to take a job that doesn't exercise your mind enough, give it a try.

And have a happy birthday! :D

Don't feel pressured to go to college too soon. I went from high school to college, worked a few years and then it's been school for the past 9 years almost. I regret not traveling or taking time between stints in college to explore life and the world.

@Gordon Bennett:

Well, these are all interesting tips, though I don't see how they're applicable to my life. In fact, they sound like the sort of generic stuff you'd read in self-help books- maybe you have a promising third career there. :D I probably just haven't been clear- that tends to happen.

See, I know that if I have any future at all, it's in games. The uncertainty is just whether or not a bright future is even conceivable in this messed-up world. I've been coming up with ideas for video games before I had even played any half-decent games. It's sort of like music in that these ideas pop up in my head whether I try to come up with them or not, but it's different in that I'm actually excited about these ideas. I feel like this is what I was meant to do on this planet.

There's this endless conflict in my head between the world I think about and the world I see around me. In the former, there is no doubt whatsoever what my path is. I was put on this earth with a gift for games. I was given a talent in music so that I could get into music schools and develop a philosophy based on art, seeing how the history of music could teach lessons for the future of art through gamism. My early coincidental encounter with Visual Basic is there to give me a groundwork on which to build my creations. My game ideas are born out of random thoughts, but the more I think about them the more I realize that they are the key pieces which would lead to the proper evolution of the interactive art forms! In this world, everything fits into place, everything makes sense.

Then there's the real world. I'm a lazy bum with no motivation whatsoever, who pretends he will get far, and fools himself into believing it, though he never manages to get anywhere no matter how hard he tries. I have a talent for music which could potentially make money, but I focus only on the areas of music which are fun. I spend my day having fun, doing absolutely nothing productive. Worse, I consider "productivity" a dirty word. In all likelihood, I'm going to sit here doing nothing until my parents kick me out of the house. I'm turning 18 soon.


You see the problem. It's all well and good to have plans, and it's all well and good to swear to yourself (as I did) that you will not give up until you reach your goal, but reality cannot be ignored. This is the part where I start to lose my sense of purpose, clarity, and identity and I start babbling incoherently. This has nothing to do with a fear of failure and pursuit of safe options, or a misunderstanding of my own abilities, or overplanning or underplanning. All the pieces of my life's puzzle have been laid out before me, and they ought to fit together.

Only- they don't.


Oh, it's not for another week. I wonder if I could have it delayed by a few years?

@LenaJ: Thanks for the tips. I don't actually have anything against my parents, mainly because I feel that that would be too much of a cliche. :D But it's hard to talk to people who have no interest in videogames. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure whether this is a depression or just the start of a new road, but then when do I ever?

Don't worry- I don't feel pressured to go to college at all. That would only happen if there were no one else in the world going to a college.

It sounds as though you really have some things to think about. I can't give you much advise about your career, but I can tell you you really need a vacation (nothing personal - I'd recommend that to anyone at that age). Perhaps you should save up some money, plan a trip and go backpacking! It doesn't cost that much - say you were to take a trip to the East, India, Nepal, China etc. are all fairly affordable (dinner for around one dollar/euro, hostel for about 5 dollar a night). The only costly bit is the flight ticket, the rest you can travel by train. It's certain you'll meet some awesome people along the way, backpackers, locals, monks, girls, you name it. Go see the world for a couple of months, it's a life changing experience! It'll clear your head and you'll have plenty of time to ponder about your life and what you want with it. When I was your age I considered doing something with games, but now I know I want to be in filmmaking I wouldn't dream about becoming a programmer or graphic artist. I only realised this last year, a couple of months after turning 21. As Lynsie said, if you don't know what you want with your life then don't force anything either - it'll come to you (especially if you take a long trip :)).

Summed up, my advise is get a job (doesn't matter if it's boring, as long as it gets you some money), save some money, plan a trip (planning is very important) and go! Leave all your worries behind you in Israel for a couple of months!

Having read more of your posts now, I think jjacob's idea of a long vacation is wonderful. You sound bored with everything but games. The stimulation a trip would bring would be perfect for you. Why? Because you are wrapped up in a world of games and your fantasies. And you're right - they don't correspond to the real world. That's why you need to expose yourself to the real world and others' ideas. You will be living in this real world all your life - you need to get to know it. It is depressing that you can't live in the world of games and your own creative ideas, but you can't - pure and simple.

Without the schooling and the experience, you have no credibility. It isn't enough to know you have good game ideas. If even known games creators like Steve Ince, and American McGee have trouble getting backing to make their games, how would you, a complete unknown, ever get the financing for your innovative game? No one will just hand you the money - you've got to work the system. This is where your fantasies fall down in the light of day. "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." - Edison. I suspect that you would be bored to tears at the sheer tediousness of the game-making process.

You are obviously a very bright young man. I hope you won't be an unhappy one. You need to learn to adapt to the world and deal with people with respect and understanding - this is the only world we've got - the one in your fantasies isn't real - life's not like that.

Lynsie

I agree with Fairygdmther that Jjacob's idea of a kibbutz is an excellent one. Obviously, since you're already in Israel you'd have to go somewhere else, but the point is to go on a journey of the soul and find yourself. Make new friends, see new places, and experience lifestyles different from the one your used to. You'll be amazed at the difference this will make in your attitude and outlook on life.

Hmmm, looks like certain people have already touched on key things I want to touch on.

To start, Moriarty, you seem to exhibit sypmtoms of depression, as LenaJ brought up. And I can tell you now, I know what it means, because I went through the exact same things myself. But it's not necessarily the kind of depression where you go jumping off a bridge or something. It's more to do with moments in your life where decisions must be made, where door shut and open, and where too much thought cripples you inside. Which leads to the next thing.

One of the most important things you need to do right now is to.......forget yourself. Sounds weird, but it'll make sense to you in time. That's when j-j-jjacob's suggestion comes into play. If you can afford it, backpack it. Do you have relatives in another part of the world who can host you for a while? Go there and get lost. Take the longest way there possible - by train, by bus, whatever. The destination isn't anywhere near as important as the journey itself.

Now, if travelling is out of reach financially or for whatever reasons, you can still 'forget yourself' in other ways. Find out in your area if there are any places where you can do volunteer work. Tell them exactly what you're going through and that you want to help others less fortunate than you. They'll understand and hopefully find you work where you can contribute the best that you have to offer.

On a more pragmatic level, institutionalized learning is very important in this day and age. A university or vocational degree will afford you far more opportunities than anything, and a degree combined with solid work experience will take you even farther. That's what Lynsie stated - credibility. That's how it works in terms of, say, getting a steady job, buying a home, raising a family, etc., if that is important to you. But really, it just means your life has more opportunities to get better on one level or another.

You are in an excellent - and enviable - position in your life to explore whatever and however you want. You have youth, energy, and time.

NEVER, EVER waste yourself feeling sorry for yourself and creating self imposed road blocks. The very moment you think such thoughts as...

... then you're a failure. What conflict? The conflicts are created by you, in your head. They are clutter. Did many of the most successful individuals in the world think this? NO. Instead they thought: How do I work it so that the world can conspire more in my favour? I wonder what cool things will happen next? What do I need to do now to get closer to there?

What Scott, Lynsie, Gordon, j-j-jjacob, and the others are telling you to do is essentially this: to set yourself up for possibilities. Possibilities for what, you ask? You don't know yet. Or you have some idea but its shape and form are very hazy at the moment. Nothing wrong with that. In time you'll see.

You'll see.

It's amazing to me how many of you have gotten behind the idea of going travelling; to me, it sounds dreadfully boring. I don't want to see other people and their ways of life! The more I see other people, the less I want to be like them and the more I want to isolate myself from them. That's just the way I am. So I don't see how it could possibly help me to go out and actively seek out strange people and strange ways of life.

I'm certainly not going to go out and do something which will only "make sense to me in time". What you're proposing is really drastic, sounds like the sort of thing that would make me miserable, and has no clear purpose. To be honest, I'm a bit shocked at this suggestion. Why on earth would I want to do this?

Okay, so I'm a failure. This conflict exists, whether or not I choose to observe it. I have no motivation; I often say to myself, "Today I will finish that musical composition I've left aside for so long!", and then proceed to do no such thing. It's one thing to see a road, and see where it leads, and it's quite another to start walking. In theory, working on Smilie ought to be the most rewarding thing I've ever done, and it ought to come to me as easily as speech. But it doesn't. I say that there is a discrepancy between the world I imagine and the world I live in, and so there is. I'm not "creating self-imposed roadblocks" here, just calling a spade a spade.

Perhaps there is an inner journey you have to do first.

All your feelings of wanting to isolate yourself, the conflict between the real world and the one you think about and the difficulty to keep the interest in things still make me think you need help to get over it.

There is help to get if you want to.

One form of therapy that doesn´t dig into your childhood but instead is looking forward is cognitive therapy. It gives you tools to handle difficult thoughts that are blocking the realistic thoughts.

I´m going through this sort of therapy myself since I have had a head full of paralyzing thoughts of insufficiency, and "catastrofic thinking" (there probably is a better english word for that)
I´m much older than you are, but I think I started developing these unrealistic thoughts in my teens and these last three years it has gotten worse. Yes, I have been able to live a pretty good life inspite of it, but it´s such a relief to recover.

Self esteem comes from your own thinking. If we have self esteem we also get courage to take risks (like travelling or just socialize with people, eventually getting into college) which leads to development.

You can see for yourself that a lot of people care and take an interset in you and your feelings in this forum. I´m sure you can find the same at home (parents, other relatives, friends). Just be open about it as you´ve been here!

All the best to you Mory/Lena

Don't talk to me about "Therapists", or any other people who make money "giving you tools". I'll pretend you didn't bring it up.

I´m sorry, I never meant to offend you. /Lena

Yeah, I know. Never mind.

Moriarty, you seriously, seriously sound so much like I was at your age (and still am, actually) it's frightening. At any rate...

The fact that you want to isolate yourself is exactly *why* you need to go and actively seek out people. Consider it a shock therapy of sorts. Fairy Godmother pretty much summed it up... unless you happen to have won the lottery or inherited a ton of money, you simply will have to go out into the real world and interact with people at some point.

The longer a time you spend isolating yourself, the harder and more painful it will be to have to un-isolate yourself when you can't avoid getting a job and moving out on your own any longer. I know this... I made that exact mistake, and it's been giving me problems ever since.

It does have a purpose... namely inoculating yourself to the people and real world you're eventually going to have to deal with. If you keep an open mind, you may even find a new way of thinking. But at the very least you'll set yourself up for being able to deal with the real world a whole lot better, since, unfortunately, it's not going to leave you alone. I'm speaking as someone who found out *all* this stuff the hard way. :P

I wouldn't dismiss this so easily. Speaking as someone who is wired to be relentlessly logical and think endlessly about and analyze everything, I know it can be very easy to get so bogged down in your own train of thought that you can't see a way out. As a result, it can be helpful to talk to someone who looks at things differently than you do and can help you see things you never thought of before. (Which is why I personally like reading your posts, incidentally.)

You really don't even need a therapist for this... just somebody sufficiently different enough than you who is willing to listen and talk to you about life, and whom you're willing to have an open mind with. Which is, to bring this post full circle, a good reason to go out and meet lots of "strange people".

You very much sound like someone who is trapped in the well of his own thoughts and needs a rope thrown to him.

Peace & Luv, Liz

The only thing that can not possibly get boring is people. So if I were you and got easily bored by pretty much anything, I'd try to do a job with some kind of social interaction.

Listen, guys, I know you just want to help, and I'm grateful, but this wouldn't work. I've got to remember the lessons I've learned. Let me tell you a story.

Around two years ago, I wanted to fit in with the people in my grade at school. They were all lovely people, who shared at least one common interest with me (music), and with whom I could occasionally share a conversation. But I was always an outsider, and I resolved to change that. I listened to their conversations, even when I wasn't interested, I walked around with them even though I didn't like them, etc. It was no problem at all to pretend that I could get along with them, but it was a lie and I knew it. I figured the problem was that I wasn't trying hard enough.

We went on a three-day trip. Of course I came along- any excuse to spend as much time as possible with these nice people. On this trip, I wandered around with them as they went shopping, chatting, and generally doing nothing. They were strange to me, and their culture was strange to me, and even their language (to a certain degree) was strange to me, and I respected all that. Within half a day, I was not only bored stiff, but with the revelation that I no longer had any desire whatsoever to be with them. As a matter of fact, from that day forward I tried to look for ways to rebel against their principles and culture. They were nice people. But it was a lie.

My biggest regret from my long decade in school (apart from not burning down the buildings) is that I invested so much in socializing with other people. It led only to an empty heart and crushed hopes. In case my avatar does not make it clear enough, I am and will always be an outsider. I have learned to accept the role and be proud of it. When I am with a group of people who are not like me, I isolate myself from them. Not because of any fear or lack of skills or any such thing which may be said to require therapy, but because that is my most basic nature. (I can only assume that if I were to meet someone exactly like myself, I would cease to exist, so it's probably good that I've never met Jeysie. :D) So when you suggest that I should look for strange people and ways of life in order to broaden my horizons, the idea's a bit absurd. That's just not the way I am.