These are all “top tips” from VIZ, a UK Comic.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.
TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce litter problems by issuing blind folk with pointy sticks.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small horse' is approaching.
ORDINARY people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BEER bottle tops floated upside down in the bath, make ideal 'dinghies' for spiders. Flies can also use them as aircraft carriers.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
DOG owners. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
MAKE PEOPLE believe you are magic by vigourously shaking a bottle of talcum powder when you exit a room, thus giving the impression of you disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
