That's really a shame that I found out only today about this thread! Where I was looking in the past months?
A lot of your posts remembered me a lot of my past situation. Those years of negation, repression and self-thought lies; of looking at other bodies with the urge of having a good excuse ready in mind; of doubts and second thoughts. I understand that this kind of path is necessary to mature, but I'm extremely glad that those years are finally over.
Anyway, I had two distinct "first" time: the very first was with a woman, a year older than me. It wasn't her first time, so she could drive me through it. It was nice and warm, but I really didn't feel anything. It was fun, but not the pleasure I imagined. We were in a six months relationship and then I figured out who I really was and I went to her to explain the situation. It was my first cold shower, the very first time I felt totally rejected: I thought that this wouldn't be a problem. "I like guys also" I said to her, and she - with an enormous look of disgust - told me that this was more than a problem, and asked me if I could repress those feeling. I was immature and stupid, and I said: "Let's try". Two months after, we broke up.
Then comes my second "first" time, with a guy nine years older than me. A friend of mine set us up, we went out for a pizza (real Italian pizza, mind you
) and then withdrew in a park. It was awkward, and - even if I was hugely turned on - the experience, all in all, was a letdown. But at least I knew that that was my "primary" road - and then arrived the crazy part of my life, the closest thing I'm about to regret: mindless sex with whoever, meaningless encounters with strangers. I felt like I was meant to devour such experiences, as if I had to reassure myself about who I was.
Now, after two years of total sentimental (and sexual solitude), I met a wonderful boy, younger than me and yet, on certain subjects, way more mature and adult than me. He's beautiful and has an intriguing mind that had totally beguiled me: I love him and I feel such a sense of protection toward him that sometimes I think that I would go through anything to spare him from suffering. It happened to me this very night to dream about another guy: even in the dream, after the dream-kiss and dream-petting, I felt guilty, abandoned the other guy and started searching my deserted city looking of my boyfriend. Maybe I need a shrink!
For the guys who were complaining about having to wait: it's really the best thing you can do, not to rush through this kind of things.
Ah, it felt like a therapy session! Thanks to anyone who was listening ^^
