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Originally Posted by iPlayah magazine
In this modern age we live in, rights are a major concern of everything we know - human’s rights, children’s rights, animal rights, geek’s rights - but no rights exist to protect game characters. In an age when game characters are being made more and more realistic, this will undoubtedly soon become a major issue. iPlayah’s Greg Sanders sits down with a member of the much-maligned army of Paxton Fettel, the antagonist of F.E.A.R., to discuss the problem.
iPlayah: Thanks for coming down, clone 658. I know you have a busy schedule.
Clone 658 (a.k.a. Headless goon): No problem, Greg. I snap up all the fame I can get.
iPlayah: Okay, we’re going to ask the obvious question here. Where is your head?
Headless goon: That g*d**m Point Man and his time-slowing thing. One minute my squad is wandering aimlessly through a room with generic machinery models, and the next minute, a shotgun blast. And then to add insult to injury, that bastard took my head and threw it as hard as he could off the skyscraper, at some car parked below. So it’s somewhere on the Armachan Technology Corporation’s front lawn.
iPlayah: What’s it like, not having a head?
Headless goon: It’s like living with a neurotic roommate for a semester.
iPlayah: Tell us about fighting the Point Man.
Headless goon: Fighting him? *sighs* Just last week, when I was on patrol, I found clone #482 nailed to the wall. Nailed to the wall! Just hanging there, suspended by a steel spike through his right eye socket. He looked like some g*d**m pin-up girl. Admittedly, it would have been nice if he was a pin-up girl, but the male genitalia kinda kills that.... Even though some guys like that sort of thing, it’d be wacked and all that, you know...
iPlayah: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Headless goon: No, not at all.
iPlayah: So what kind of goon are you, specifically?
Clone 658: I’m the blue kind, with the red helmet. I’m nastier and uglier, but just as easy to kill.
iPlayah: So you’re like Master Chief.
Clone 658: Master Chief? Come oooooon. All he ever did was fight alien invaders. I fight someone who slows time down. And once in a while, that kid Alma fries one of us. You should see it. Nothing but a skeleton and a blood drenching the walls, ceiling, and floors. On the plus side, we can use the blood pool as a skating rink, but only until it dries.
iPlayah: You guys play Halo games?
Headless goon: Sure. Where do you think we pick up all those one-liners like “He’s here!” or “Take cover!” or “Oh, fuck, there goes Kenny‘s arms! Somebody grab them!”? They don’t teach those in boot camp.
iPlayah: Looks like boot camp training didn’t help you much in combat anyway.
Headless goon: Well, if they had just once told me to not run out of cover towards him like the stir-crazy Scottish soldier in POW movies, I'd have done fine.
iPlayah: Do you feel short-changed, being a goon?
Clone 658: Oh, yeah. I never get the hot chick, I always get stuck with a bunch of idiots, I look the same as the rest of the guys... It stinks, you know?
iPlayah: But all the chicks die at the end.
Headless goon: Yeah, well, not all at the end. Sure, Wade got partially eaten, and that kills the sex appeal, but Jin lived until the expansion pack.
iPlayah: Jin was rather man-ish anyway.
Clone 658: Oh, yeah. Someone was hitting the testosterone injections alright.
iPlayah: But what sensible girl would want to get stuck in a relationship with a man who has, quite literally, no brains?
Headless goon: Hey! I have a brain, thank you very much. Everyone knows we he-men use our little brains for all necessary thinking, so losing my head wasn’t that big of a change.
iPlayah: How much of a disability is it, missing your head?
Clone 658: Oh, man. You have no idea, some of the stuff. I can’t even listen to my Rihanna albums, without ears.
iPlayah: If you need ears to hear, how are you understanding what I’m saying?
Headless goon: ...
iPlayah: Moving on...
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