SamNMax

So Bravo does it again. They create another baffling 100 best list. This time around the scariest movies ever made. Again, I got cancer. To be fair, this aired maybe two years ago on Halloween, but this was the first time I saw it in its entirety. Get ready for my bitching. Extra-unscary highlighted in red.

* 100. 28 Days Later
* 99. Creepshow
* 98. Zombie
* 97. Cat People
* 96. The Birds
* 95. Jurassic Park
* 94. Child's Play
* 93. Pacific Heights
* 92. Village of the Damned
* 91. Shallow Grave
* 90. Night of the Hunter
* 89. Alice Sweet Alice
* 88. Invasion of the Body Snatchers
* 87. Black Christmas
* 86. Wizard of Oz
* 85. Blood & Black Lace
* 84. Blue Velvet
* 83. The Others
* 82. Terminator
* 81. The Howling
* 80. Poltergeist
* 79. Dracula
* 78. The Brood
* 77. Signs
* 76. Evil Dead
* 75. Candyman
* 74. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
* 73. Blood Simple
* 72. Them!
* 71. The Sixth Sense
* 70. The Stepfather
* 69. Re-Animator
* 68. The Black Cat
* 67. Duel
* 66. The Tenant
* 65. Marathon Man
* 64. Near Dark
* 63. Deliverance
* 62. The Wolf Man
* 61. The Devil's Backbone
* 60. The Beyond
* 59. Fatal Attraction
* 58. Cujo
* 57. House of Wax
* 56. Single White Female
* 55. The Vanishing
* 54. The Changeling
* 53. Demons
* 52. The Phantom of the Opera
* 51. The Dead Zone
* 50. The Last House on the Left
* 49. Diabolique
* 48. The Thing
* 47. Nosferatu
* 46. The Sentinel
* 45. The Wicker Man
* 44. The Game
* 43. It's Alive!
* 42. An American Werewolf in London
* 41. The Hills Have Eyes
* 40. Black Sunday
* 39. Dawn of the Dead
* 38. Peeping Tom
* 37. House on Haunted Hill
* 36. Cape Fear
* 35. Aliens
* 34. The Hitcher
* 33. The Fly
* 32. Pet Sematary
* 31. Friday the 13th
* 30. Blair Witch Project
* 29. Serpent and the Rainbow
* 28. When a Stranger Calls
* 27. Frankenstein
* 26. Seven
* 25. Phantasm
* 24. Suspiria
* 23. Rosemary's Baby
* 22. Don't Look Now
* 21. Jacob's Ladder
* 20. The Ring
* 19. Hellraiser
* 18. The Haunting
* 17. A Nightmare on Elm Street
* 16. The Omen
* 15. Freaks
* 14. Halloween
* 13. Scream
* 12. Misery
* 11. Audition
* 10. Wait Until Dark
* 9. Night of the Living Dead
* 8. Carrie
* 7. Silence of the Lambs
* 6. Shining
* 5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
* 4. Psycho
* 3. Exorcist
* 2. Alien
* 1. Jaws

28 Days Later - Now, see, this was something I was unclear about. The title is 100 Scariest Movie Moments. With some of the movies on here, it was just one specific moment they talked about. Other times it was the entire movie. With this one, they were only talking about the zombies. The problem is the zombies in this movie suck. They say because the zombies can move fast and are strong, they're scary. They're wrong.

Jurassic Park - Again, another one where it's just one scene. This time with the kids trapped in the kitchen with the raptors. The care just isn't there. :|

Child's Play - I don't get it. They say all the sequels to Child's Play suck, but how is this one any different. The doll is pretty funny, but not scary. You can step on him. Quit being a pussy and just shoot the doll, kid.

Village of the Damned - Why Hollywood still thinks this formula works, I don't know. Oh yeah, because dumbasses think little kids with glassy eyes and blank stares in formal wear is scary.

Wizard of Oz - I feel guilty ripping on this movie for its unscariness because I feel like you had to live in the time to actually review it fairly. The scene they talk about is the claymation flying monkies scene. I believe this would've scared the bejesus out of kids, but not adults. And for a movie to be scary, it has to freak out all ages.

The Others - Ooooooooo another dead little kid in a dress give-a-**** ooooooo.

Terminator - I was absolutley perplexed by this. I had no idea what scene they were thinking of with this one. Ithought maybe it was the robot skeleton of the Terminator, but come on. They can't be that stupid. Oh wait... yeah they can.

Signs - A bunch of terrible actors standing around with their mouths open like idiots mumbling about aliens who's weakness is water, the most abundant element on our planet, yet they can walk around without suits even with all the carbon dioxide and water vapor in our air? And they can't open doors? How terrifying!

Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory - The scene they refer to is the acid trip boat ride. Same case with Wizard of Oz. Scary for kids, but not going to bother anyone older.

The Sixth Sense - God, M. Night Shyamalan you suck.

Deliverance - City boys get raped by hicks. Huzzah.

Fatal Attraction - It's got some tense moments, but when push comes to shove, it's just not scary.

Single White Female - It's got some tense moments, but when push comes to shove, it's just not scary.

The Dead Zone - I really like the movie. I just don't see what's scary about it. They talk about the end where he impales himself through the head with some scissors (a cool scene), but not enough to justify a spot on a scary movie list.

An American Werewolf in London - I don't see what all the fuss is about. Everyone thinks the warewolf transformation scene is scary. I don't see the scary. I think the scene is really well-done and everything, but, well, not scary.

Cape Fear - I really don't get why people think real people are scarier than monsters. Gregory Peck could take down some guy trying to rape his wife and daughter, no question. And even if you did have a gimp leg, you could take down Cathy Baits, I'm sure of it. But you can't kill Freddy. No matter if you're Gregory Peck or not.

Aliens - I actually really like this compared to the first, but I wasn't scared at all.

Friday the 13th - Yeah, it's scary the first time you see it. But let's be honest. The movie is a total piece of crap and at thirty-one? Come on.

Blair Witch Project - Whole lotta nothin' and a whole lotta screamin' at nothin'.

The Ring - Oh no, another dead little kid, but this time with long black hair and a dirty dress.

Hellraiser - Yeah, it's scary the first time, but at 19? Please.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - Yeah, it's scary the first time, but at 17? Please.

Scream - You've got to be kidding me. The movie that single-handedly ruined the horror genre with it's dumbass "self-parody" formula? Every slasher ever now has to follow these stupid rules with the stoner and the slut and little wholesome-yet-troubled girl. Bah. Nice one, Craven.

Misery - I really don't get why people think real people are scarier than monsters. Gregory Peck could take down some guy trying to rape his wife and daughter, no question. And even if you did have a gimp leg, you could take down Cathy Baits, I'm sure of it. But you can't kill Freddy. No matter if you're Gregory Peck or not.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Awesome movie. Don't get me wrong. But it does not deserve number five by a long shot. I think people rave over this movie so much because of the claim that it was based on a true story. It's not. And when I found this out, it really took me out of the whole movie.

Exorcist - Oh, contriversial, is it? Yeah, you're probably thinking I'm saying this to look tough, but do yourself a favor and watch this again without the hype clouding your judgment. It's boring as hell, no matter what anyone says. You don't buy anything throughout any of the movie. What, because Linda Blair has some good make up on and spews out pea soup and has the little devil voice that anyone could emulate, it's incredibly horrifying? Get out of therapy and quit being a pussy.

(cont.)