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Adventure Game Scene of the Day — Saturday 5 April 2014

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I have to say I’m not even sure where to begin with this bad, but somewhat unintentionally hilarious game. It’s called Heaven (2009) and is a religious themed game made by/for Christians. Re-read that last sentence and look at the above screenshot again.

Now, you might think that I went out of my way to find an innocent shot of a woman in the game who just so happens to be holding a phallic object and by coincidence happens to be pursing her puffy collagen-filled lips in a fellatio-esque fashion while her large pornstar-ish boobs strain against the confines of her revealing top to simply make it look bad, but that is actually just par for the course in this game.

The objectification is rampant throughout, with most of the cutscenes simply being of her doing various things with obviously suggestive camera angles like the low angle upskirt shot, or simply positioning her in game so that she is at the bottom of stairs so you can’t help but look at her cleavage as you descend. There may be no nudity, but the sexual innuendo is hilariously overdone throughout.

Oh, and by the way, the woman above, who you stumble upon rolling around in the grass like a bikini model at a photo shoot in the beginning of the game? She’s your grandmother. LOL!!! I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!

Anyway, the game is actually really boring in that you spend much of it backtracking and doing the same basic puzzle over and over again. While the puzzles do start to improve towards the end of the game it’s simply too little too late at that point for a game that is so short.

     

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So what’s your official excuse, if you can’t hide being “I’m playing it for the puzzles”?

     
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Antrax - 05 April 2014 02:07 AM

So what’s your official excuse, if you can’t hide being “I’m playing it for the puzzles”?

I’m guessing it would be the morbid curiosity as to what absurdly suggestive position the game designers will put “Exotic Dancer Barbie” into in the next scene.  Like watching a train wreck, you know it’s going to be a disaster but you just can’t force yourself to look away until it has reached it’s inevitable conclusion.

     

Warning- People won’t have as much of a sense of humor about you putting an Alka Seltzer in your mouth then staggering into a restaurant while shouting “THE VIRUS HAS MUTATED!” as you’d hope they would.

Consider this: People say “Ewwww!!!” when they hear about a guy having a hairy bum or hairy back, yet every Teddy Bear ever made has had both a hairy bum AND a hairy back and nobody complains about them; In fact, people think Teddy Bears are adorable.

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I can’t even force myself to look at this game’s screenshots for more than couple of (tenths of) seconds. It’s a pure visual violence.

P.S. And I thought I had too much time on my hands…

     

The human race is doomed to progress.
Tony Clifton

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Antrax - 05 April 2014 02:07 AM

So what’s your official excuse, if you can’t hide being “I’m playing it for the puzzles”?

I don’t really know how to answer your question as the implications seem rather strange to me. Perhaps you could be a little more specific as to what exactly I need an excuse for and why? I don’t want to misinterpret.

     

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