You are viewing an archived version of the site which is no longer maintained.
Go to the current live site or the Adventure Gamers forums
Adventure Gamers

Home Adventure Forums Misc. Chit Chat Self-assertiveness and Wormsie


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-13-2005, 11:55 AM   #1
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default Self-assertiveness and Wormsie

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
As a communication style and strategy, Assertiveness is distinguished from Aggression and Passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.
- Wikipedia on Assertiveness

I have a bad habit of not being able to defend myself and my interests and rights. I am way too passive. But when someone manages to irritate me enough, I usually become aggressive. I only have these two ways of functioning.

Any ideas of how I could become more assertive?
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:00 PM   #2
Banned User
 
SakSquash's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: New Paltz...for now...
Posts: 6,177
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
- Wikipedia on Assertiveness

I have a bad habit of not being able to defend myself and my interests and rights. I am way too passive. But when someone manages to irritate me enough, I usually become aggressive. I only have these two ways of functioning.

Any ideas of how I could become more assertive?
I'm probably the exact oppisite. Being a man of...oh lets say...not so tallness, I get what's called "napoleon complex," i'm sure you've seen it reer its ugly head around here more than once. I've just got this defensive attitude, don't take shit from anyone style that comes from living in a conservative, restrictive small town and my height. I always have this feeling of being overlooked and passed off, and because of that, I have to get in peoples faces and kick a lil' ass to get things done. So that's how you can get over it. Imagine yourself shorter than you really are.

What are you afraid of?
SakSquash is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:17 PM   #3
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Wow, tempsie........can I f#&k you? Heh, sorry, you make yourself sound so sexy in your 'assertiveness', I can't help myself . Anyway, good for you. Just remember, however, to always do it out of defense, not offense.

I do, however, love using my smallness to subversive advantage. It depends on the situation. When I'm at a bar enjoying a cocktail, taller guys usually swamp me and I'm pretty much invisible, which is how I prefer it. But I do have little strategies for 'asserting' myself. One time I was in line at Burger King. There was a tall guy to my side, and as soon as my turn came up he cut in front of me. I got pissed, and yelled

"EXCUSE ME!!!"

which startled him and he jumped and people from the far end of the room looked over. Then he profusely apologized and got behind me. It worked, because no one expects a harmless looking little guy to be like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
I have a bad habit of not being able to defend myself and my interests and rights. I am way too passive. But when someone manages to irritate me enough, I usually become aggressive. I only have these two ways of functioning.

Any ideas of how I could become more assertive?
This may sound rather cruel, but possibly the only way you may be able to get over that is to be taken advantage of. How much you value your interests and rights is proportional to what extent and how often those interests and rights are violated by others. Do you value them enough to yell and scream and kick ass? Or will you stay mousy for the rest of your life?

I can personally answer that I'd prefer to kick people's asses to preserve my own interests and rights, who the f#&k are they to mess with it? I have every right to protect all that I believe in and have worked my ass off for.

Whether you choose to be self-assertive depends on how much you respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself and all that you believe in YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE SHIT. Is that what you want?
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:18 PM   #4
Epinionated.
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: London
Posts: 5,841
Default

Whured, homes.

*been playing GTA:SA*
__________________
Starter of Thread Must Die.
squarejawhero is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:19 PM   #5
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

'sup, white boy?

__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:21 PM   #6
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by temporaryscars
I've just got this defensive attitude...
That's the aggressive bit there.

Quote:
...don't take shit from anyone style that comes from living in a conservative, restrictive small town and my height. I always have this feeling of being overlooked and passed off, and because of that, I have to get in peoples faces and kick a lil' ass to get things done. So that's how you can get over it. Imagine yourself shorter than you really are.
That's true with me, too. However, if I do that, people usually laugh.

Quote:
What are you afraid of?
Huh?

Oh.

Hurting people who matter to me. I have some difficult friends.
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:24 PM   #7
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens
Wow, tempsie........can I f#&k you? Heh, sorry, you make yourself sound so sexy in your 'assertiveness', I can't help myself . Anyway, good for you. Just remember, however, to always do it out of defense, not offense.

I do, however, love using my smallness to subversive advantage. It depends on the situation. When I'm at a bar enjoying a cocktail, taller guys usually swamp me and I'm pretty much invisible, which is how I prefer it. But I do have little strategies for 'asserting' myself. One time I was in line at Burger King. There was a tall guy to my side, and as soon as my turn came up he cut in front of me. I got pissed, and yelled

"EXCUSE ME!!!"

which startled him and he jumped and people from the far end of the room looked over. Then he profusely apologized and got behind me. It worked, because no one expects a harmless looking little guy to be like that.
Sounds like something I would do.

Quote:
How much you value your interests and rights is proportional to what extent and how often those interests and rights are violated by others. Do you value them enough to yell and scream and kick ass? Or will you stay mousy for the rest of your life?
That's agressiveness. You know me, Trep, you know I can be agressive towards people I don't otherwise respect. But if I'd have to defend myself against my boyfriend or a good friend, for example... that'd be difficult.

Quote:
Whether you choose to be self-assertive depends on how much you respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself and all that you believe in YOU WILL BE TREATED LIKE SHIT. Is that what you want?
Answer to your last question, no. And what you said before that is what I've already figured out- it's all about relf-respect...

I'm trying to work on this issue, but I feel rather... overwhelmed. It feels unusual for me to think about myself this way, and it is very exhausting to actually admit that "yes, I have rights".
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:26 PM   #8
Bad Influence
 
Sage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Birmingham, Alabama USA
Posts: 5,547
Send a message via Yahoo to Sage
Default

If memory serves, Wormsie is not so tall as you, Temp.
My best advice is to speak your mind, Wormsie. If people agree with you, great. If they don't, that's fine too.
Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think, life is not a popularity contest. It is far better to have a few friends who like you for who you really are than to be attended by scores of sycophants who will desert you the moment you say or do something they don't approve of.
You only have to look at one person in the mirror every day, and to that person you should be true. Tell anyone who doesn't like that person to go get bent.

ScottMate
__________________
Ignorance is bliss, denial is divine, and willful ignorance is a religious experience.

Share the love.

<3
Sage is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:27 PM   #9
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
It's just certain types of people I have problems with.
What do you mean by this?
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:28 PM   #10
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens
What do you mean by this?
I edited my post a little, check it out.
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:31 PM   #11
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
I edited my post a little, check it out.
Quote:
But if I'd have to defend myself against my boyfriend or a good friend, for example... that'd be difficult.
Why would you need to defend yourself against them? What are you defending? What are they questioning about you? Are their challenges making you doubt yourself? If so, why are you doubting yourself?
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:32 PM   #12
Aj_
Beyond Belief
 
Aj_'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Blighty
Posts: 2,186
Default

To me, it's all about tactics, if you think other people have over stepped the mark then you make it clear and make sure they don't try to undermine you, but you have to be careful not to over-react and come off as a jerk. You also have to be mindful of others, by trying not to be aggressive and being as neutral as possible. Not something I want to be all the time, when I'm with people I know I feel like I can be myself.
Aj_ is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:36 PM   #13
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

I've always believed in the Socratic way of dealing with things. If someone tries to intrude on me I'd ask them something like,"What do you hope to gain from this?" I trick them into questioning their own intentions and how it affects me (or others), and if I'm successful I'll have filled them with doubts.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:40 PM   #14
Bad Influence
 
Sage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Birmingham, Alabama USA
Posts: 5,547
Send a message via Yahoo to Sage
Default

Listen to Trepsie. He knows whereof he speaks.
__________________
Ignorance is bliss, denial is divine, and willful ignorance is a religious experience.

Share the love.

<3
Sage is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:47 PM   #15
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens
Why would you need to defend yourself against them?
Let's say that your boyfriend should say something sarcastic to you implying that he is more manly (or better in any other way) than you are - trying to heighten his social satus in the relationship. I'd be offended by that, but wouldn't know how to respond except by "I don't want you to say things like that to me. Stop doing it." And his reponse would be along the lines of "I was only joking" which is a clear cop-out.

Quote:
Are their challenges making you doubt yourself?
..Challenges?
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:50 PM   #16
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens
I've always believed in the Socratic way of dealing with things. If someone tries to intrude on me I'd ask them something like,"What do you hope to gain from this?" I trick them into questioning their own intentions and how it affects me (or others), and if I'm successful I'll have filled them with doubts.
That sounds promising. Must remember it.

The pressure of trying to be more capable of protecting my own rights feels rather bad, though. It makes me feel very anxious, and I'm afraid that I won't reach my goal or that I'm wrong.

****, I'm not wrong.
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:53 PM   #17
Aj_
Beyond Belief
 
Aj_'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Blighty
Posts: 2,186
Default

Quote:
Let's say that your boyfriend should say something sarcastic to you implying that he is more manly (or better in any other way) than you are - trying to heighten his social satus in the relationship. I'd be offended by that, but wouldn't know how to respond except by "I don't want you to say things like that to me. Stop doing it." And his reponse would be along the lines of "I was only joking" which is a clear cop-out.
I see two options, call him on it, or take him on a guilt trip. Some people are always going to be better at this than you, I say read up about it, knowledge is power.
Aj_ is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:55 PM   #18
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
Let's say that your boyfriend should say something sarcastic to you implying that he is more manly (or better in any other way) than you are - trying to heighten his social satus in the relationship. I'd be offended by that, but wouldn't know how to respond except by "I don't want you to say things like that to me. Stop doing it." And his reponse would be along the lines of "I was only joking" which is a clear cop-out.
O god, I could think of so many comebacks to that!

"That's probably that last thing you'd say every time you were in bed with me."

"How macho of you to say that. You probably tried to say it when we were in the bedroom, but we all know you can't talk when your mouth is full."

"Hmmm. Tell me, what exactly are you to trying to compensate for by saying that?" (as I tell him this I'd visibly glance down at his crotch)

Quote:
..Challenges?
You felt challenged, didn't you?
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 12:59 PM   #19
Doctor Watson
 
Wormsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Catacombs
Posts: 4,736
Default

Quote:
"Hmmm. Tell me, what exactly are you to trying to compensate for by saying that?"
Quote:
(as I tell him this I'd visibly glance down at his crotch)
That's actually what I was thinking about saying to him, but that wouldn't have been constructive. It wouldn't have made him stop saying things like that.

Oh, but actually that "in bed" thing is a good response.

(Doesn't matter anyway, we broke up.)

Quote:
You felt challenged, didn't you?
I'm Finnish so the implication that the challenge was a challenge they presented to me was not clear to me.
__________________
Don't worry, I'm a doctor.
Wormsie is offline  
Old 07-13-2005, 01:03 PM   #20
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wormsie
That's actually what I was thinking about saying to him, but that wouldn't have been constructive. It wouldn't have made him stop saying things like that.
My dear, NEVER EVER underestimate the power of a good witty comeback. And yes, it IS constructive, because it's communicating to him that you know WTF you're talking about, and that he better not f#&k with you about it. It may not shut him up, but it will definitely make him think twice next time.

Isn't that true, Scottsie?

Now, repeat after me: Trep is f#&king evil.

Quote:
Oh, but actually that "in bed" thing is a good response.

(Doesn't matter anyway, we broke up.)
Actually, it's more like he lost you. Give credit where credit is due.

Quote:
I'm Finnish so the implication that the challenge was a challenge they presented to me was not clear to me.
Believe me, it was a challenge.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
 



Thread Tools

 


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.