[Glenn Epic]

When I partake in daily life I am constantly thinking about my inner-self. I'm often lost in my thoughts, usually about the ways in which I can better myself and become a better person.

My main problem is that I'm always finding things to improve on but never focusing for long enough on. What ends up happening is, I grasp hold of something which ends up getting put on the back burner for favor of another one. As well as that, I often have a hard time figuring out how to implement the improvements that I've decided on. Or else my focus shifts before I take the initiative, due partly to my absent mindedness.

To quote Batman Begins: "It's not who you are inside, it's what your actions that define you" (Something like that). I've really got to stick to that principle. I always try to take a step back and view myself from other peoples' perspectives. After all, actions define my character, right? I all too often forget that. From now on I'm going to remind myself to lay down the tracks instead of just planning the infrastructure. Case closed!

I think my moment of sheer introspection just passed. To avoid irony, I'm going to post this.

[samIamsad]

I know absolutely what you mean.

[pinkgothic]

I'm having a similar problem at the moment. It's a touch worse on this end in that I don't even start things only to ditch them later. I'm trying to wait until I find something that might last me. As though I could predict the future, even if it is only my own.

I really hope you'll find what you're looking for and do what you're happy with. I'm not doing that at the moment and I know how sucky that is. It's like an early mid-life crisis (*tears out hair*).

So kudos on the right step (at least, what I consider the right step). I'm still trying to emotionally convince myself of that and related things - and it's not working. Damn them backward emotions and the subconscious mind. Can't I just dictate what it does? *g*

[Glenn Epic]

Does anyone else want to share their thoughts with us? Thoughts that you usually choose not to share?

Everything I see around me I imagine being in a film. Like I'm always planning out a movie, taken from events around me. I guess it's just called inspiration, which everyone has. I always relate events back to movies.

[SakSquash]

I'm pretty wick as it is, so I don't need to think of such things. Though, i'm constantly debating whether or not I should shave and I try to force myself to read more.

[Glenn Epic]

Originally Posted by temporaryscars

I'm pretty wick...

Wick? An abbreviation for wicked?

What do you mean you don't think of such things, Ron Jeremy is always on your mind

[SakSquash]

Originally Posted by Glenn Epic

Wick? An abbreviation for wicked?

What do you mean you don't think of such things, Ron Jeremy is always on your mind

Yes, wick = wicked!!!!!!

Yeah, but i'll never be able to better myself to be that cool. I try to keep my goals realistic

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Glennsie, you simply lack discipline. And you lack discipline because you don't have a system. And you don't have a system because you haven't yet identified your goals.

What are your goals? Why do you have goals? Goals are points of achievement that demarcate your plateau of betterness. How would those goals better you? How much do you value those goals in relation to how you want to be better? What kind of system can you design to nudge you closer and closer to those goals, so that you get closer and close to being better?

[omloflump]

I stubbornly refuse to become a better person. My only goals in life are to pursue creative endeavors 'till I die and find a willing wife with a womb.

And anyway, I don't think you can become a better person – at least, not really. Sure, you can stop snorting and smoking and abusing and head off to the third world to pick up the pieces, but you'd still be the same person inside – you can't change who you are. Most likely the reason you decided to leap from your gutter to theirs was to cleanse your guilt – not to help people in need. Maybe it's your motivations that define you; or your brain.

I don't believe you can wake up one morning and say: "I think I'll become a better person today." and wander off to the local shelter. We are born who we are.

[Sage]

Originally Posted by omloflump

I stubbornly refuse to become a better person. My only goals in life are to pursue creative endeavors 'till I die and find a willing wife with a womb.

Boy, I sure hope I'm around when you do have kids. I look forward to witnessing your reaction to having a human life that is completely dependant on you for all it's needs.

And anyway, I don't think you can become a better person – at least, not really. Sure, you can stop snorting and smoking and abusing and head off to the third world to pick up the pieces, but you'd still be the same person inside – you can't change who you are.

Have you done these things and found yourself to be the same person you thought you were inside? On one level I agree with you: A person's core being does not change. However, the best and worst of us can discover entirely new facets of our core being every day that we never knew existed. Ergo the need for introspection: What's inside of you that you haven't explored yet? Would it scare you to find out that you aren't who you've always pictured yourself as?

Most likely the reason you decided to leap from your gutter to theirs was to cleanse your guilt – not to help people in need. Maybe it's your motivations that define you; or your brain.

Or maybe you're motivated by your brain to cleanse your guilt by helping people because the real you doesn't care for the image you've come to project? Committing selfless acts engenders a good feeling, and feeling guilty because you secretly enjoy being charitable is just self-flagellation in it's purest form.

I don't believe you can wake up one morning and say: "I think I'll become a better person today." and wander off to the local shelter. We are born who we are.

And every day events around us conspire in great and small ways to reveal to us a clearer picture of who we are. Illusions get shattered, masks fall away, and we are thrust headlong into situations we never dreamed we'd experience. The less introspective among us cling to these fallen masks and eulogize the person they never truly were, while the more introspective among us embrace the new faces that are revealed and wear them proudly for all to see.

I've missed these exchanges so much, Omloflump. I'm truly glad you're back.

ScottMate

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Somehow I get the feeling omlo is merely posturing for attention.

Originally Posted by omlo

And anyway, I don't think you can become a better person – at least, not really. Sure, you can stop snorting and smoking and abusing and head off to the third world to pick up the pieces, but you'd still be the same person inside – you can't change who you are.

I call bullshit on that one, but in a backdoor way. After the hell I went through years ago (when I nearly died) I had two choices. One was to be an angry and bitter son-of-a-bitch. The other was to learn from it. I chose the latter. According to Scottsie my core didn't change because of it. I was fundamentally the same. But.....I was now a better version of me.

[Shodan]

(when I nearly died)

What's this about Trep?

[insane_cobra]

Glenn, I feel exactly the same way.

I think about things a lot, different things, always pondering what could've been (granted, I don't think about the past nearly as much as I used to), what is and what could yet be. I live these scenarios in my head, so much is happening in there, but so little gets out.

I want to do so many things. Ever since I was a kid I've been told I have many talents, so I dabbled in everything, but never really stuck with any one thing. I want to do it all and I just can't decide which path I want my life to take. For every open door, there are hundreds slammed shut.

I'm having trouble expressing myself. I'm not talking about everyday communication, I'm fine with that, people love me, blah. I can't find the way to express my... Damn, I'm lacking words even now.

And to top it all, I'm terribly lazy.
Or maybe it's just that not having enough insight to push my life in only one direction (which one?), I decide to do nothing. One day, one day my time will come, I used to think. But I'm nearing 26 and I've done almost nothing to make me feel good about myself.

[pinkgothic]

Originally Posted by omloflump

I stubbornly refuse to become a better person.

If you were referring to becoming a better person for other folk, I'd agree wholeheartedly, but going by the sentences following, you have no interest being a better person in your own eyes, either? Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

Originally Posted by omloflump

And anyway, I don't think you can become a better person – at least, not really. Sure, you can stop snorting and smoking and abusing and head off to the third world to pick up the pieces, but you'd still be the same person inside – you can't change who you are.

I disagree. I've been through four completely different personalities, each of which bar the first I got rolling in the first place, each of which (again bar the first) I was the architect of. I think turning from a sub' and spiritual incarnation of a true altruist (#3) to a carnal philosophic egoist (#4) in a matter of days as you will yourself to is quite the proof that it does work. You can change what you are.

That aside, though, it's not that recommendable. It throws up other questions like the "Who are you?" question you thought you'd answered and, at the end of the day, you have thrown a part of yourself away quite recklessly. I know split personalities don't exist IRL, but I reckon if they did, this would be the best way down that path: Your scrutinizing, distant god-self, and the personality. I could go on, but maybe I've managed to hint at the downsides of these changes.

Oh, and, of course, there's another big downside which is what has brought me into a similar situation as Glenn (and yes, Trep, it does have to do with a lack of goals): If you know you can change yourself, what stops you from doing it if you feel something's not right? I've been horribly comfortable with my current self. But lately I've had a nadir and it's gnawing at me that maybe there's something that stops the personality from being ideal. I've been fighting my urge to change myself - again.

Come to think of it... I must appear like a nutter to you guys now.

There's a number of factors making me feel indecisive about myself:

(1) I have recently left a "life" of mine behind, I left an internet community where I ended up putting so much time and effort into that it caused me to fold with stress, more or less. Working without noticing you are working. Ick. Deadly. Anyway, there was a lot to do there which simply no longer applies. As I am teaching myself forcibly to slack off, I'm slowly easing myself into that by taking up some ersatz things online, like working on the Crimson Feather website, etc. But it does not make it less awkward that I actually have free time now.

(2) Even though I left on basis of "quit while you're ahead" (the community has a history of people leaving with spiteful messages Ã* la "I hate you all!" every once in a while and I've never understood those folk and honestly don't want to, either), I did stay in parts because I was just recently given a forum I was global moderator on to be an administrator and owner, because the old admin/owner no longer had the time. It was dying due to an array of silly mistakes. Since I've had it, four months have passed - I was unable to save it. Rationally, there wasn't anything I could do, nor anything that I could have done more to try, but still. I've been with that place since it was created and been a global moderator almost that long - and administrator for the last four months. In the community as a whole (Ravenblack Vampires), it was a unique island of tolerance and openmindedness in a sea frothing of folk who thought the gist of playing a game was to hate other people playing it... Now I can only watch the last strands of the forum die and hope that the most popular Y!Group of the game, link-allied with the forum, will never go awry. Outside my control. Fret, fret, fret. Maybe I'll post the long version of this story here later.

(3) A moderator on the forum that is still around from the time I wasn't admin who keeps undermining my authority. She doesn't much like me and I don't require her to, but the only thing that has kept me from taping her mouth shut and banning her from the forum is because it wasn't me that gave her the position and even though the previous board owner barely has time for it, he does show up every once in a while, blahblah. We have a moderator policy that if a moderator does something another moderator disagrees with, it is to be discussed in the moderator forum ONLY. I've seen communities die because people did not listen to the moderators, since the mods were too busy bickering with each other to uphold any believable authority. At any rate, as said, I should have removed her moderator access ages ago, but since I couldn't and can't make myself, it's been giving me a headache.

(4) And last but not least, I simply live in the present too firmly and love my life too much I have a severe lack of goals bar the very abstract one of learning not to let things like the above three points get me down too much, or at least learning that I don't need to reshape myself for such mundane reasons.

Edit: ...well, for a short version, that sure got long. Sorry guys.

Edit #2: Just a quick note. This is a short version and I fully expect to be misunderstood in various points. I just thought I'd mention that: That the post is severely lacking information. Please don't consider this the final version. ^_^

[Glenn Epic]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Glennsie, you simply lack discipline. And you lack discipline because you don't have a system. And you don't have a system because you haven't yet identified your goals.

What are your goals? Why do you have goals? Goals are points of achievement that demarcate your plateau of betterness. How would those goals better you? How much do you value those goals in relation to how you want to be better? What kind of system can you design to nudge you closer and closer to those goals, so that you get closer and close to being better?

Oh, I have goals. The way I worded a couple of sentences seems stupid to me now. For instance, I stated that I partake in introspection but don't often act on the conclusions I formulate. That's not entirely true. Say for instance I decide to work out more, then I will... no problem. The thing is, I often come up with airy-fairy elaborate conclusions that I rarely act on (normally because I reach a better conclusion seconds latter, which is equally airy-fairy... I guess it's just my imagination). I can't really explain it. I often partake in this sort of introspection when I'm alone. So in the long run, it probably all comes down to the "Muttnik principal". One can't truly see who they are without viewing other peoples' actions/reactions towards them. Which works alternatively, because often when I'm alone I come up with some crazy shit that later on I realize isn't true.

In regards to my mind set, I've got to consciously remind myself not to get caught up with the hedonism paradox. Which, I believe, a vast majority of todays' youth do. I've got to remind myself that pleasure isn't associated wtih happiness and that pain is vital for future happiness. Sure, I could just go from one form of pleasure to another, but ultimately the fall will be devastating. Alternatively, I can embrace the fact that pain is vital for development and seek my ultimate goal (which I have chosen to do). In the long run, the latter will leave me most satisfied and happy.

Originally Posted by insane_cobra

I think about things a lot, different things, always pondering... I've done almost nothing to make me feel good about myself.

I know what you mean. You've got to focus on a single goal (as Trep pointed out).

I'll tell you of an experience I had last night. I started the night with an in-depth conversation about philosophical viewpoints with one of my friends, he really set me straight on some things. I opened up reservoirs I never even knew I had. Latter on that night we went to a party and I put into practice what I had learnt. Which was that I all too often get caught up in my own problems, in other words 'selfishness'. So I decided that for the whole night I would do things for people. Giving people lifts home, helping people out, listening to people's problems. It was glorious. Can I tell you that I've never felt so alive. I used to have the mind-set that everything should be about me. "Where should I go tonight, so that I have fun". That attitude has changed. I guess the old saying "Give and ye shall receive is true", because I've never received so much praise and love in one night before. I urge you to try it. Not that I do it to receive back. Ultimately, I realized that the majority of my friends are just like me. And I'd love it if someone did all this cool stuff for me, paid for my dinner, etc. So that's what I did for them. That way, even if you don't reach your goal in life, you at least know that you affected someone else's life.

I could go on all day

[omloflump]

Let me refine: you can change the way you think, but you can't change the way you are. You're views and opinions can change – and do all the time – but you stay fundamentally the same. I believe that the flaws we are born with stay with us – you can't remove them. You can, however, choose not to show them, hide them deep within; but they'll never disappear.

For instance, let's pretend, for a moment, that you're a person who regularly abuses school children. You do this because you have a burning desire to do it. Now let's say that one day you decide it to be a very bad thing to do and you vow never to do it again. You then sign up for community aid abroad and help people in need. Even as you're doing this, you still have a burning desire to abuse school children. But you've successfully managed to fight off that desire and, even though it remains with you 'till the very end, you never act on it again. From an outsider's perspective, it would appear as though you had reformed yourself and became a better person, when, in actuality, you were still the same nasty person inside.

You can appear to be a better person quite easily, you know.

The less introspective among us cling to these fallen masks and eulogize the person they never truly were, while the more introspective among us embrace the new faces that are revealed and wear them proudly for all to see.

Yes, that's called a façade.

Boy, I sure hope I'm around when you do have kids. I look forward to witnessing your reaction to having a human life that is completely dependant on you for all it's [sic] needs.

While I know I can never truly become a saint, I do believe that I have, or will have, enough of what it takes in this regard. I'm not some soulless monstrosity who can't care for anyone but himself. The very fact that I desire to experience this should tell you that I'm quite capable of handling it.

and feeling guilty because you secretly enjoy being charitable is just self-flagellation in it's purest form.

That's not what I was implying. I was saying that you were feeling guilty because you weren't being charitable.

And I'm sick of people writing me off as an attention seeker. That is, in no way, my aim. I merely have strong opinions on a lot of matters and, in lieu of my relatively timid public persona, express them most passionately in pseudo-social gatherings such as this; where there are no physical bonds of politeness and curtsey to get in the way of subjective truth. It's the breaking free of a repressed soul; a place to vent ideas.

[pinkgothic]

*doesn't think you're an attention seeker - agrees with a lot of your views, just not this one*

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Glennsie

In regards to my mind set, I've got to consciously remind myself not to get caught up with the hedonism paradox. Which, I believe, a vast majority of todays' youth do. I've got to remind myself that pleasure isn't associated wtih happiness and that pain is vital for future happiness. Sure, I could just go from one form of pleasure to another, but ultimately the fall will be devastating. Alternatively, I can embrace the fact that pain is vital for development and seek my ultimate goal (which I have chosen to do). In the long run, the latter will leave me most satisfied and happy.

That's actually an idea I want to explore in a short novel I plan on writing.

[Glenn Epic]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

That's actually an idea I want to explore in a short novel I plan on writing.

I look forward to reading it

[omloflump]

*doesn't think you're an attention seeker - agrees with a lot of your views, just not this one*

That's understandable. After all, what do I know? We're a species of great contradictions – maybe that's what defines us.