[squarejawhero]

... OK, normally I'm not one for public outpouring of emotion nor putting myself at the whim of strangers. But without going into detail, atm I'm really at a point where I just need to hear something from someone I don't KNOW.

As some of you may know, I recently split from a long relationship. I don't want to go into details - it wouldn't be fair for one thing - but just so you know, the outcome is fuzzy. The split is definite and I'm not in an easy position because of it, my head's a mess and I'm TRYING very hard to look to the future. And thought I was doing well... until...

Well, stupidly, I went from doing marginal exercise to too much and strained a muscle or something, so I'm sitting here typing with camomile in front of me and feeling a bit horrendous. I also made the mistake of renting Closer, so I managed to turn myself into the wreck I was pretending I wasn't. I'm not over things, I'm finding it difficult to look forward but I'm managing at least in part.

I work from home, a home I've shared for a while now and that hasn't changed at all since the day we broke up. I've been using the forum to take my mind off things, but ultimately thanks to my solitary (but something I love) job it's hard to find people to get things off my chest without feeling like a total alien. People care - but you know how it is, go on too much and they'll drift! So I don't.

It's been a month. I'm confused, tired, my head isn't where it should be with work and looking for a new place (and mortgages) isn't the holy grail of fun it should be. Because of how things were, I didn't think that it'd be as difficult as it is - in fact, because things are GOOD between myself and my ex and it ended, as tough as any end is, pretty cleanly, it makes me rather annoyed at myself.

I guess I should count myself lucky really, in some respects. I mean, I'm quite a catch, and now I'm single too. rofl! But the waves of self-doubt and hurt still roll over and break over my head, particularly now as I watch Natalie Portman cry her eyes out and I clutch my hot drink, hoping that my illness is physical and not some manifestation of a hidden emotional craphole.

So, meh, really. I don't know what I'm after. Clarifcation that others have been through the same? No idea. I've been through a worse grinder before, but this... this is kind of a different beast altogether. The kind that toys with you, makes you feel like you should've taken different paths, tortures you with possibility - makes you think about how much companionship really means and how lucky you were, and if whether you wasted it. Even whether because of how things turned out, whether you wasted yourself.

Hell, I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm pretty solitary by nature anyway, the ex is constantly surrounded by people but feels just as distant nonetheless in the same way I do. So it's not just me.

Meh.

Like I said, I don't like to do anything on the internet but be silly and talk about inane things like games. Hey - there's a first for everything!

Damn it, could be worse. Could be one of the wretched characters from Closer.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

You need to have a f#&king good cry, for starters. Go ahead. Cry your eyes out, it really does help. And that whole myth about men not supposed to be crying? That's bullshit. The strongest men have the balls to shed a few tears.

Then I'll ask you some questions.

[squarejawhero]

Been there, done that. I'd be a member of the Girly Mans Club if I knew Alfred Molina and Gary Oldman, amongst others. If I didn't feel sick, I'd had done it some more earlier! Goddamn crunches.

BTW I won't go into detail about stuff. Just the way I am, but ask away. I'm going to my stone cold and empty bed now, close my eyes.... and dream of scantily clad hot Hawaiin babes not unlike that one I posted before.

Mmmmmm.... hot Hawaiin babes... with butter... and sprinkles.... and Natalie Portman on the side... plus those cool sauteed fries...

[Intrepid Homoludens]

1) Is your breakup the only thing in your life bothering you?

2) If not, what else is there?

3) I suspect something was bothering you just before you had your workout accident.

4) I noticed how your phrased the experience of looking for a new place. Whereas others see it as an opportunity for a new lease on life, you see it as a bothersome task. Why is that?

[squarejawhero]

1) No.

2) Fitness, lack of sunlight, social life, stress and (first time I'll have admitted this) possible agoraphobia.

3) Probably moving house.

4) Money worries, tying myself down to something, the natural order of moving which I hate. I moved a LOT as a kid. Moving on too. I'm used to my life and got comfy, now I'm out of the comfort zone it's hard not to want to pretend things didn't happen.

[gillyruless]

(((squaesie)))

I also recently went through a heart break. You know, the type that hurts so much that it makes you wish when you are going to bed each night that you'd never wake up. I am still trying to work though it. I have to run now but when I have more time next week I will tyr to tell my story too.

I find that when things are really tough, focusing on little things instead of the big picture helps a lot. You know what got me over the toughes part, learning how to whistle "Always Look on the Bright side of Life" from Life of Brian. It may sound silly but I'd always feel better after struggling through the song a few times (obvisouly, I'm terrible at whistling).

Things will get better. They always do. In the mean time, I am sure there are at least few peeple who will do the most important thing for you when you are hurting, listening. Trep's a master at that you know.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by gillyruless

Things will get better. They always do. In the mean time, I am sure there are at least few peeple who will do the most important thing for you when you are hurting, listening. Trep's a master at that you know.

And I don't charge a cent for it, either!!

Actually, I have this idea in my head to write and publish a series of 'childrens books' for adults. Little pocket/purse size paperbacks, fully illustrated by me, that are deceptively simple (think Dick & Jane), but on second glance are actually profound musings and applicable points of view on many things in the life - heartbreak, death, insecurity, change, love, identity, etc. I need to first get the philosophies down (combination of Taoism, Socrates, Sartre, and some others) before anything. Whatcha think?

[SoccerDude28]

squaresie, the best medicine for you in my opinion is to go out and talk to people and hang out with friends. Don't bundle it inside you. Breakups are tough, and we all had our hearts broken at one point or another. Your best medicine is time and never doubt yourself. Sometimes relationships are not meant to be. That doesn't mean it's your fault or you did something wrong. You will find someone who is more suitable for you with time. Maybe even an adventure gamer Just go out with buddies and try to have a good time.

[SoccerDude28]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

And I don't charge a cent for it, either!!

Actually, I have this idea in my head to write and publish a series of 'childrens books' for adults. Little pocket/purse size paperbacks, fully illustrated by me, that are deceptively simple (think Dick & Jane), but on second glance are actually profound musings and applicable points of view on many things in the life - heartbreak, death, insecurity, change, love, identity, etc. I need to first get the philosophies down (combination of Taoism, Socrates, Sartre, and some others) before anything. Whatcha think?

Kinda like Psychonauts Me likes

[Intrepid Homoludens]

yep, listen to the Soccsie.

As for your seeming agoraphobia, you need to sit down with a professional and talk about it. You need to talk about many things with a pro, get it off your chest. And get lots of fresh air. And really, one of the MOST VITAL THINGS you should do is eat healthy and keep excercising (maintains high levels of endolphins, or something). Also the excercise disperses a lot of negative energy. And treat yourself to FRESH FLOWERS every week, especially the fragrant ones - they are for YOU and only you. Keep 'em by your monitor so you'll smell them.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by SoccerDude28

Kinda like Psychonauts Me likes

Well, NOT wacked out like Psychonauts.

[Manhunter71]

Originally Posted by squarejawhero

So, meh, really. I don't know what I'm after. Clarifcation that others have been through the same?
Like I said, I don't like to do anything on the internet but be silly and talk about inane things like games. Hey - there's a first for everything!

That sounds very much like my break-up!
My ex dumped me over a year ago and since then I've gone from living in a really nice house to renting a room in a house with friends.
The past year has been extremely hard for me - I had my own business, which I found pretty impossible to run without the help and support of my girlfriend, and to top it all, we both had the same group of friends (that was how we got together in the first place).
The first few months after the break up were incredibly hard for me - as most of my best friends were girls, they were also my ex's friends too which just made my situation more difficult. I had no-one to talk to about the situation because I didnt want to cause a rift between my ex and our other friends!
All I did during this time was sit in my room and listen to songs that reminded me of the good (and bad) times that we had together.

One thing that really helped me was joining the AG community as it gave me something else to do at night instead of listening to depressing songs

My ex and I are now friends, although she is with someone else now, which is probably the hardest thing in the world I have ever had to endure, and some nights I do have the odd melancholy moment


I think what I'm trying to say is that I understand where you are coming from because I have experienced the same thing, and eventually you will feel better. I'm not saying you will be totally over it, because I know I'm not.
And crying definitely doesnt help, believe me - I've done so on numerous depressing evenings

[SakSquash]

Living well is the best revenge.

And i'm a revenge type of guy.

If I were you, i'd take some time off, go on a vacation. Visit the country side.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Excellent advice.

[SakSquash]

Actually, I have even better advice!

One night stand.


Sure, it sounds sleazy, but it's not. Over a year back I got dumped by this chick I had been dating, and it was like, the 6th time in a row I had been the dumpee. I used to think trashy people did the one night stand thing and I had always been about loyalty and building something that lasts, but after that last one, I figued my way wasn't working. I decided to do as others do, and tried to have a one nighter with this girl in my journalism classes. She had hit on me in the past, and when I went to her room, I made it clear that this was just going to be a friends with benefits sort of thing. Sooo we did the deed, and a few weeks later, we were totally in love. I've been with her for a year and a half now and i'll probably be with her for a very very long time.

If it worked for me, it can work for you!

[Fairygdmther]

First of all you've gotten some good advice here - not all of it may work for you personally, but give each some thought. You seem to be trying to intellectualize something that is emotional in nature. It doesn't work. Saying you shouldn't feel this or that, or that you're lucky because of something else, in NO WAY eliminates the sad feelings of loss. Something you had, a stable relationship, is now gone, and you miss it. That's normal, and you should miss it - you can't dismiss those feelings, you need to let them out. While you need to review it in your mind, and learn from both the relationship and the loss of it, the trick is not to dwell on it forever (not saying you are). The things about it that were both right and wrong, yours and hers, are what you will need to know for the next time, so at this point, don't try to push them from your mind. And while you are at it, grieve for them as well - you won't be able to move on until the grief abates.

Part of any relationship is the planning and expectations we have for/with each other. When it ends, so do all our plans. Not only do you miss the person, physically and emotionally, but also all the things you were planning to do together. It feels like you have to start from scratch, and that can be daunting when you already feel like shit. And guilt feelings can make this even worse. Try to let the guilt go - it is non-productive, and it feeds on itself to keep making you feel bad. Guilt over what you said or did, is useless, since you can't fix it now, so try to put it aside and not let it bring you down further.

This is not an easy thing to get through, but you will, and you will be stronger because of it. Don't let it make you hard or cold - but let it make you wiser, about yourself and others. Give yourself room not only to cry, but to have volatile mood swings for a while, and retreat to yourself for a while as well. Do what you have to do, but don't take on any added stress right now. Give yourself the room to be a mere human who is hurt, and needs to recover. And give yourself credit for all you've accomplished.

Good luck, SJH - we're here if you need us.

Lynsie

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by temporaryscars

If it worked for me, it can work for you!

Hahah, so it ain't about the money, it's about the love eh?

[Ninth]

I could tell you that it's going to be OK eventually, SJH, and that's it's just a phase, but you know that already, don't you.
I going to be stupid, here, and advise looking at women. women sooth me when I'm feeling depressed.
Also, a few drinking evenings with some other single friend might help (or if you don't have a single friend, just a friend); nothing like bathing in one's own misery together, if you know what I mean.

EDIT: Also, falling in love might help. I know that I can't live without being in love anyway... And what's better than a, difficult relationship to turn one's mind away from a previous relationship?

[SakSquash]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Hahah, so it ain't about the money, it's about the love eh?

It's about both, she loves buying me stuff

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Fairygdmther

And give yourself credit for all you've accomplished.

I can never say that enough. I had a major self-esteem problems for years after my own break up.