[feisar]

Im just going to type now, see what happens. I feel like im having a total mental breakdown.

This is how it started.

Im not going to get it all right and Im sure I'll miss out major things.

I met a guy called *blank* through a friend we went on a date, he is gorgeous. Totally lovely and we really got on. After the date we got drunk stayed at a mates and he said he wanted to be boyfriends. It seemed a bit up front but i just guessed he was drunk.

We went out every night, things were good, I met all his friends and they were really nice. Then he told me he was going in for an operation.

There are lots of signs I pick on after this point and it makes me worry about him what it is. He seems to brag and tell everyone about that hes going into hospital but wont say what it is. I run loads of different things through my head and feel dizzy. So I ask him.

He has a tumor. Its cancer. Its advanced. Hes had it before but this time its somewhere else.

I was so worried and heartbroken for him at this point I was infacuated with him and he had me round his little finger.

Lets fastforward a bit.

To last night.

He had been getting colder and colder towards me. He pushed that I was his boyfriend but we never had sex. It was occuring to me that he was just using me as a showpiece. He is out all day and night drinking and smoking and never takes his medication. He plays the ill card in arguements. He was becomming really irrational and turning against some of his friends too.

We arranged to meet. Were just gonna go home and change then meet and go out. 3 hours later I find him in the bar he hangs out in. He shoo's me away and says he is about to go and walk by himself to think. What he really does is ****s off to hastings to meet some other guy.

There is more. I talk with my own friends that know him and his that he now hates. He lies about things. Says he has money and stuff and lies about his famliy. It makes me wonder if he even lives anywhere or if his parents absue him or something. He does have cancer though.

Its a very sad story and there isnt an ending yet. His operation is on thursday. He is currently totally ignoring me. I still in some way love him. I dont know if he meant to or not but he manipulated me into this. He got me involved knowing what was wrong with him and what it would do to me. He used me to show off to his mates, to ward off other guys and maybe for a last pull before going into hospital for weeks.

For the short while it gave me a taste of an exellerated life. I dont regret meeting him. I worry that he will die and because hes ignoring me i wont be there or find out about it.

I wonder if he does love me too and is pushing me away because hes ill. Is he that callous that he would just use me and spit me out and not care. The things he said to me the way he cared when it still worked were real I know.

I always do this. Im too open. I never learn. I let people walk over me. I think about other peoples feelings rather than my own.

Im not as upset as I was now. Going through things does make you a stonger person.

I texted him today to say I was going to back off and let him be with his real friends and would see him only if he wanted me too. It was too rushed and I need to back off. He is very ill and getting worse. By backing off I feel im abandoning him in his hour of need. He doesnt really have anyone. I was the only person he told about his illness to start with.

Im going to stop now. Im not sure why i posted this on here. I know its safe and wont get back to anyone because you are all in other countries and stuff.

There are other things that happened but im just gonna stop for now my head is spinning again :/

[Intrepid Homoludens]

First thing's in order:

(((((feisar)))))

Originally Posted by feisar

I texted him today to say I was going to back off and let him be with his real friends and would see him only if he wanted me too. It was too rushed and I need to back off. He is very ill and getting worse. By backing off I feel im abandoning him in his hour of need. He doesnt really have anyone. I was the only person he told about his illness to start with.

This is the smartest thing you can do for now. Let's get it straight. It is NOT your fault he is sick. It is NOT your fault he's been behaving the way he has. You are NOT abandoning him by backing off. He has no one because he has driven everyone away.

He's been acting this way with himself because he's angry, hurt, guilt ridden, and confused. This behaviour isn't unusual for many people suffering from ruined lives (from disease, depression, drugs, or other sources). Unfortunately it's such a contradiction. Often times, when you reach rock bottom, you lash out at the very things, the very people, you need most. It can feel like the most impossible thing to do, reaching out and simply saying: Please help me. Some people feel they don't deserve help, some feel too proud to be helped, and some may not ever even consider it.

What you're doing now is trying to protect yourself, which is very understandable. It makes sense. Deep down inside he knows you want to help, but in the end it's his choice. Will he hold his hand out for you to hold it and comfort him through possibly the worst time in his life, be there for him? It's up to him. He definitely needs professsional attention. He needs to understand that people DO love him and care about him.

[feisar]

thanks trep i knew you would let me know if i was doing the right thing or not. I just hope he gets through this. :/

[Intrepid Homoludens]

It might be a good idea to leave him a handwritten note along with something symbolic - flowers, a cd mix, or an inspirational book:

I want to help you. Please let me know how.

Love,
feisar

After that, back off. Live your own life. If he really wants it, he'll contact you.

[insane_cobra]

Listen to the man, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Don't push it, leave him be, but be there for him if he wants you to. You've done nothing wrong.

[Sage]

Trepsie is 100% right. All you can do is make sure he knows your door is open, but that he has to walk through it himself.
Not to defend Mr. X's actions, but contracting cancer can cause one to feel as though they have been betrayed by the one thing they (and all of us) count on most: Their own body. This can lead to irrational but severe low self-esteem issues which are externalized by the behavior changes you've listed. Mr. X probably feels that the cancer is some sort of cosmic judgement being passed down on him and that he doesn't deserve your or his friend's attention and caring, and is unconsciously trying to drive you all away.
Also, since he has been through this before, he knows what will come afterwards: Radiation and/or chemotherapy. Either of these will make someone sicker than they have ever been, and will take months to recover from. Mr. X may not want to burden you or his friends with someone who will be so weak that he needs help going to the bathroom and gets exhausted just walking from the bed to the couch.
Not knowing Mr. X, I can't say how plausible these possibilities are, but they are something to think about.

ScottMate

[Fairygdmther]

Feisar - I don't remember you from before, but I can tell you are very stressed, so I'm going to add my two cents here. Both Trep and Scott gave you the best advice there is: back off but let him know you are there if he needs you. It lets him know you won't take any crap, but it also says you still care and will be there if he needs/wants you to be there. As a nurse for many years, I can also verify what Scott said about the cancer diagnosis, and the seemingly irrational response. There is always the "why me?" response, but there really isn't any answer to that. Your guy seems to think it means that he's not worth having anyone close, and is rejecting everyone, perhaps before they can reject him. He has a good amount to deal with before he can recognize that relative worth is totally unrelated. Anyway, hang in there - you're doing the right things - for you and him.

FGM-Lyn

[feisar]

I had a text message from him this morning when I got up. He is in hospital now, he seemed more rational so it probably was the not having drugs and having the waiting to go there hanging over him.

I heard from his best friend earlier, she was looking for him and has no idea whats going on. I think that might be another reason he brought me into this, because he didnt want anyone he knew to know but also wanted to tell someone :/

Yesterday he had an appointment where they would decide if hes having chemotherapy, the fact they kept him there points to a yes.

Thanks for the advice and support guys. Im less stressed now as I know hes in good hands.