Men in women's clothing...

Joke of the day:

These two guys walk into a bar on the top floor of a hotel. One is really buff and has on blue tights and a cape, the other an average guy with a casual wardrobe. They sit down and have a few drinks. The buff guy looks out the window and says to the other guy, "Hey, if you jump out that window, you'll just float. It's an updraft". The other man looks at him with a quizicall look saying, "Dude, no way". The buff dude gets up jumps out the window and sure enough, he floats. He says to casual Friday, "Go ahead. Try it.". He does the same, but falls, breaking his spinal cord. The bartender says to the buff guy, "You're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman"

lol, i liked that one...

but you know what else is funny, stupid people......


yesterday i went to Wendy's for dinner with a few friends and the women behind me in line asks for a cheese burger with not cheese....


the guy behind the counter looked so confused, he replies with "how about we try a plain burger" and then she replies with "oh, i didn't know you could do that" I'm pretty sure she was stoned off her ass..

[Sage]

Sophie Tucker:
"The other day my boyfriend Ernie says to me 'Soph, when I get to be eighty years old, I'm going to marry myself a twenty-year-old girl. What do you think of that?'
I says to him 'Ernie, when I get to be eighty years old, I'm going to marry myself a twenty-year-old boy, and let me tell you one thing Ernie: Twenty goes into eighty a helluva lot more times than eighty goes into twenty!'".

ScottMate

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Hahahahaha! I heard that one before, Scottsie. Good every time.

[Sage]

Thanks Trepsie! I know quite a few jokes, but most of them involve gestures and/or some voice acting, so they don't translate well to the printed page.

By the way, I laughed out loud at your joke SamNMax! Very clever.

ScottMate

[Maquisard]

Originally Posted by Thrift Store Scott

Sophie Tucker:
"The other day my boyfriend Ernie says to me 'Soph, when I get to be eighty years old, I'm going to marry myself a twenty-year-old girl. What do you think of that?'
I says to him 'Ernie, when I get to be eighty years old, I'm going to marry myself a twenty-year-old boy, and let me tell you one thing Ernie: Twenty goes into eighty a helluva lot more times than eighty goes into twenty!'".

ScottMate

Get outa my head get outa my head!



<--Mares trying to beat the image out.

[SakSquash]

[Talas]

Little kids:

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

[SakSquash]

Originally Posted by Talas

Little kids:

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

HAHAHAHAH! Friggin awesome.

[lumi]

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.

And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.

His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell be 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the provinces Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president has the murdered. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.

You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....

The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.




What's funny? Really long jokes with a pun at the end.

[Talas]

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."



What's funny? People that hate people that gave them jobs.

[artwking4]

Originally Posted by Talas

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

The other version of that has to do with the ex-wife, but instead, the last wish is "I want you to beat me half to death."

[Sage]

(Apologies to anyone else from Alabama. Feel free to substitute the state of your choice, but this is how I originally heard these jokes.)

What has 32 teeth and weighs 10,000 pounds?
The University Of Alabama cheerleading squad.

Why are murders so hard to investigate in Alabama?
There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.

ScottMate

[SakSquash]

Originally Posted by Thrift Store Scott

(Apologies to anyone else from Alabama. Feel free to substitute the state of your choice, but this is how I originally heard these jokes.)

What has 32 teeth and weighs 10,000 pounds?
The University Of Alabama cheerleading squad.

Why are murders so hard to investigate in Alabama?
There are no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.

ScottMate

Don't hate! Alabama is wick. Good rafting rivers.

[artwking4]

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Get in the car, Robin."

What is big and red and doesn't eat rocks?
A big red rockeater on a diet.

What is brown and sticky?
A stick.


Now THATS comedy...

[SakSquash]

**rolls eyes**

[artwking4]

Originally Posted by temporaryscars

**rolls eyes**

It's funnier if you imagine monotone deadpan delivery, like if Steven Wright was saying it.

[Sage]

Originally Posted by temporaryscars

Don't hate! Alabama is wick. Good rafting rivers.

I don't hate. I was born and raised in Alabama and am living there right now, which gives me the right to tell jokes about it.
I had no idea you were into rafting. Have you been to Ocoee yet?

ScottMate

[SakSquash]

Originally Posted by Thrift Store Scott

I don't hate. I was born and raised in Alabama and am living there right now, which gives me the right to tell jokes about it.
I had no idea you were into rafting. Have you been to Ocoee yet?

ScottMate

Nah, my rafting/kyacking stays on the east coast for the moment. Lack of cash and car keep it that way

[Maquisard]

Originally Posted by artwking4

It's funnier if you imagine monotone deadpan delivery, like if Steven Wright was saying it.

Like that Neanderthal dude who says "thank you" after each joke?