You are viewing an archived version of the site which is no longer maintained.
Go to the current live site or the Adventure Gamers forums
Adventure Gamers

Home Adventure Forums Misc. Chit Chat T.J. (work of fiction in progress)


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-07-2005, 04:27 PM   #1
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default T.J. (work of fiction in progress)

T.J.
fiction (in progress) by B. Rafól




I was in a brown study. I bought some postcards, two from work at the Aquarium, and two more from that shop on Broadway. I wanted to send myself to my friends, my niece in California, my soul sister who lived just several blocks north. A correspondence from sea. I felt stagnant and trapped in banality. Living in the city for only several months, after moving from the numbing rural suburbs (and being neutralized by it), it seemed I was sterilized, under glass. All the bus commutes to work, during which I was constantly treated to spectacular views of downtown in all its tints and glimmers, and all the strolls to errands, affording street level life. They still seemed distant, the immediacy prevented. What happened?

The late summer, early evening light diffused the atmosphere at Roscoes', hinting at something to happen, a kind of anticipating calm. Only a few guys yet were there enjoying their drinks, the music bouncing off the dark wood columns and walls, the scale model houses collected by the bar's owner lining the high shelves, the bar itself commanding the long room, and it was like home, somehow. Coming in, the skies were volatile, indecisive - will it storm, or will it clear up? I didn't pay much attention to it, and I fished out the postcards and a pen from my backpack. I missed my old Namiki, given me by S., a storm back then, a thrilling then draining harrow, cause of my immolation. I loved that fountain pen, modern yet comfortingly classical. The stamps were in my wallet, and I awkwardly pulled them out.

Craig, one of the bartenders I adore, greeted me: "Hi. The usual?"

"Yes, please," I replied, managing a smile. Did he know I sent it from across the sea? No. No, he didn't. I pulled out a twenty from my wallet as he mixed the martini. Blue olives. He knows I love the blue olives, and he's sending the cold drink across the sea. For a moment he became my only lifeline, and I floated in the comfort. He was handsome, aging, and so much more attractive for it. I floated, ignoring the others in the bar trying to get my attention. It's these tiny pockets of comfort. I won't sink, not now at least. I needed this drink. Craig placed the cold glass before me on a napkin and took the twenty and made change.

"Thank you," he expressed, placing the money next to the glass. Always a gentleman. I floated. It was all I could do, send him one more smile across the huge stretch of water.

The stamp had dry glue and I had to lick it first before affixing it to the postcard. There was a nighttime skyline of Chicago on the other side. I always prefer to write the address first and put the stamp, that tells me how much room I have to spill myself on. I inked my correspondence:

K.,

I'm lost. The beauty, the cradling, of this great city seems unreachable to me. I feel I'm merely a specter, existing by incidence, not intent. I'm miles away. I can't touch anything, even though things touch me. All I can do presently is breathe on the separating glass and scrawl backwards on the fog: 'Help me. Please.' Your face makes me smile now. I can keep you inside and that will warm me. Please send yourself. I have no map, no bearings, but all seem so familiar. I can trace my past, the cartography of memories. Maybe that'll do. It's all I have for now. Love you.

B.


As I relaxed my fingers from the pen I suddenly felt a heaving, along with a strange warm undercurrent of electricity. It was disorienting, something was permeating me, almost communicating, contradicting my misplacement. I wiped my tears and lifted up the glass and took a sip and closed my eyes. The liquid slipping down my throat felt good. The warm current didn't go away, though. It lingered. What was going on?

I looked around the bar and saw some new patrons. No one I knew, of course, although most of them were familiar for being regulars on an early Friday evening. It was now raining softly, steadily outside, and the constantly opening door brought the fresh wet odour to me and I breathed it in. Craig was standing in front of me at the other side of the bar, his back to me, talking to someone. There was an older woman, anamolous, elegant, thin, handsome. What was she doing here? She looked like she would belong more at home at the Drake Hotel or a tea room. She was in a blue silk tweed jacket, the kind you buy at Chanel, her salt and pepper hair cropped like a boy's, her face pale and fresh, thin lips painted vermillion. She seemed the kind of older woman I always fantasized about having drinks with, yet it was the last thing on my mind at that moment. She sat next to whomever it was Craig was talking to. The warm electrical current lingered in me, imported.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 03-07-2005, 04:29 PM   #2
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Was it my sadness filtering it or did Craig actually mix one of the smoothest, iciest martinis I've ever had? I lifted the chilled glass cone and sipped and prepared the next postcard, an ivory lighthouse on grey waves and charcoal sky. I heard thunder clap but didn't look over, I suspected the rain had intensified. The wet odour was refreshing, sneaking in with each opening of the door, and I propped my pen:

N.

I can only imagine you sitting on the floor in your living room, hunched over your art, creating it while your cat licks herself on the couch. This is good for me, I'm miles away, you see. Someone needs to keep the fort, and you are the most qualified. I'm miles away, floating in the grey ocean, floating in a giant martini glass and nibbling on a huge bleu cheese olive. I have nothing else at the moment to comfort me. We had talked about it, I plan on seeing someone professional. I'll make an appointment next week when I see my doctor.

Until next time, I have nothing to send you but the cool salty air and the distant wings of seagulls flying high above me. Much Love.

B.


There. I intimated myself, documented a dislocation. I could almost hear the torrent from outside, the loud music drowning it. But the rain smelled nearly as intoxicating as that of the icy drink I lifted to sip again, and I glanced up. My world shuddered.

There. There he was, his eyes open and still and locked onto me. My nerves flew in ten thousand directions, my breath interrupted. A convergence of frequencies seized me and I couldn't move. I had to run, my instinct leaping forward and dashing to the door. But the gravity of his gaze clamped me down abruptly, sweetly. I had no choice, I had nothing left.

I instantly cast my eyes to the side and tried to the lift the martini, my fingers shaking, and I sipped. I couldn't look there any more. I musn't. It was the source of the warm electrical current, I realized, and the shock was magnificent. I looked everywhere, anywhere else but there.

I tried studying the architecture of the bar, half guessing late Victorian inluence, hammered tin ceiling, moldings. Out of the corner of my eyes I could tell he continued to gaze. I tried discerning the various scale model houses on the high shelves, the owner's collection. He continued to gaze. I sipped my drink. He remained fixed on me. I saw myself clumsily gathering my things and hurrying out the door. But then I saw him swiftly and gracefully running after me.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 03-07-2005, 10:06 PM   #3
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

More, please? I'm hooked...

FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-08-2005, 06:39 AM   #4
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Hey, thank you for that. I'll work a little more on it this week.

If you're curious about the story, it's about an ideal love I had invented for myself a few years ago. What started as a daydream gradually became a fantasy life in me, with a man who doesn't exist in the real world. I gave him a name (T.J. Atherton), a heritage (Scottish/French), a job (entrepreneurial consultant), a disposition (philanthropic, independent), flaws (jealous, clinging), and other things.

It turned out that I was living a secret life with this T.J., having great sex, going out to dinners, cooking at home with his Mexican maid, meeting his best friend Arielle, his mother and father (who live in Paris and London), and his sister (a children's book publisher in New York), having arguments, making up, getting gifts from him, making him gifts.....a whole other life, inside my head. It became a bit of an obsession of mine, to continue a story in my head that turned into chapters, then volumes, with T.J. This one story is how I first met him, in my favourite bar, at yet another low point in my life, and how painful it was to meet someone who represents everything I ever could have wanted, and thus could never deserve.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 03-08-2005, 07:37 AM   #5
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

I do the same thing. I'm on perhaps my third or fourth major fantasy affair, in voluminous detail. Some only last months, others for a few years. They are very personal affairs - I laud your openness at revealing yours. I don't think I could ever do that. One of the most amazing parts of these fantasies is that by creating both sides of an argument, I learn how better to deal with my own anger and am more tolerant toward others as a result of this fantasy world. I get to try things out with different approaches, and learn what is most comfortable for me. I actually teach myself! And I learn to set more realistic priorities and goals.

Anyway - get back to writing - I want to hear more!

FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-08-2005, 07:32 PM   #6
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

While there's no doubt in my mind you can write, I got the feeling that I'd heard it all before. The style, at least, seemed very familiar. And, well, let's just say I'm not the biggest fan metaphor, too often it just comes off as pretentious. Sorry, I just neaded to balance out the opinions.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-08-2005, 07:32 PM   #7
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

While there's no doubt in my mind you can write, I got the feeling that I'd heard it all before. The style, at least, seemed very familiar. And, well, let's just say I'm not the biggest fan of metaphor, too often it just comes off as pretentious. Sorry, I just neaded to balance out the opinions.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-08-2005, 09:49 PM   #8
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

Interesting - it doesn't sound a bit pretentious to me. That may be because I've read a bit of Trep's writing before, and realize that those really are his thoughts of how he views things. Perhaps it's a way of seeing things in a different light than most. To me, what I'm seeing is a raw, personal insight into his discomfort, exposed for all to see. What I'm seeing is his vulnerability, his need, and his fear, expressed in his own visions. And his descriptions of these create a picture of that scene better than most are able to convey. He expresses both taste and smell sensations as well as sight and hearing to give a more complete picture for you to experience.

You may not like the style of it - I can't even express that in like/dislike - for me, I'm just there with him watching it occur. He makes it real for me.

FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-09-2005, 06:03 PM   #9
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

Now you're being pretentious.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-09-2005, 06:34 PM   #10
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

Perhaps, but you're being contentious and contemptuous.

FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-09-2005, 07:27 PM   #11
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

So is everyone who disagrees with you, no doubt.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-09-2005, 07:55 PM   #12
merely human
 
Intrepid Homoludens's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 22,309
Default

Well, if it's all the same to you, omlo, I honestly wasn't showing off. I was never good at pretensions, by pen or by real life.

And if my style seems familiar, it's probably because I am NOT a seasoned writer yet. Most writers starting out usually need to adapt existing styles from favourite authors so I imagine it will take a long time for my own unique style to finally distill from this.

For that I hope not to be judged too harshly.

Thanks for your critique.
__________________
platform: laptop, iPhone 3Gs | gaming: x360, PS3, psp, iPhone, wii | blog: a space alien | book: the moral landscape: how science can determine human values by sam harris | games: l.a.noire, portal 2, brink, dragon age 2, heavy rain | sites: NPR, skeptoid, gaygamer | music: ray lamontagne, adele, washed out, james blake | twitter: a_space_alien
Intrepid Homoludens is offline  
Old 03-10-2005, 05:24 AM   #13
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by omloflump
So is everyone who disagrees with you, no doubt.
Not at all - many disagree with me and live to tell about it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by omlofump
While there's no doubt in my mind you can write, I got the feeling that I'd heard it all before. The style, at least, seemed very familiar. And, well, let's just say I'm not the biggest fan of metaphor, too often it just comes off as pretentious. Sorry, I just neaded to balance out the opinions.
sic

Your "nead" to balance out the opinions (when only mine was expressed), makes it sound like a balance ledger. You are criticizing the creative writing of an amateur writer, who is trying to tell a personal story, a very personal story. If you really feel the need to criticize it, fine, but don't do it with the jaded sounding, "I got the feeling that I'd heard it all before." Do it with some encouragement, and you did that a bit, but be gentle here - egos get bruised easily when the writing is so personal. You may be criticizing him, and not just his writing here. He is a talented writer, and needs to write more to hone his skills.

As far as saying I sound pretentious - I'm not at all a pretentious person, I'm an very down-to-earth person, but a very verbal one. Words create pictures for me, and Trep did that for me with his metaphors, and detailed description. I used the words "contentious" and "comtemptuous" toward you, because first, contentious is a similar word to pretentious, yet fits, since you feel the need to "balance the opinions", and contemptuous, because of the jaded comment, which comes off as a put-down. I didn't say them because you disagreed with me, but because of the potential effect upon Trep's writing. As one who has made some feeble attempts at writing, I can appreciate just how difficult it is to clearly write about one's feelings, and not make it trite or mushy-sounding. Trep deserves a lot of credit for writing well in this way, and for openly posting this on the forums. In actual fact, I'm probably more over-protective, than pretentious here.

FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-10-2005, 10:58 PM   #14
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

Actually Intrepid, my criticism concerning style is probably not completely justified - finding an original style to write in is incredibly difficult and you'll probably never know if yours is indeed original. To me, writing seems to be stringing together clichés to express ideas and it's hard to move away from that. If you try to undo all the clichés and make new expressions, then you might lose readers; turn them off, so to speak. Anyway, if you're just treading the waters prose-wise, then you show great potential. Oh and Fairygdmother(only a 13 letter limit?), I didn't actually feel compelled to balance out the opinions - I only added that line as pseudo-excuse. I seem to feel the need to do that when I criticise (call me cowardly if you must). Basically, that style of writing in general (brilliant or not) seems to rub me up the wrong way, so I guess my opinion isn't entirely valid. And with the pretentious thing, I'll completely contradict myself: I feel that anyone engaging in any sort of artistic expression is most likely being pretentious. They do the work because they feel it's important in some way. No one, unless contractually obligated, does artistic work that's intentionally unimportant. And since all judgement in the artistic form is purely subjective, then everyone is being pretentious. After all, not everyone would find someone's work important, no matter how good it was. This a very existentialist kind of view though, things do come across as being more pretentious then others.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-10-2005, 11:40 PM   #15
Senior Member
 
jjacob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 2,771
Default

Nice work! It reminds me a bit of Salinger's style, albeit a bit less direct, then again, catcher in the rye is one of the few english books I've read so far, so..

I think the general concensus is we want more
jjacob is offline  
Old 03-11-2005, 04:18 AM   #16
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

I know what you mean, but Catcher In The Rye has a more idiosyncratic style, and it lacked overt metaphors - as you said: it was more direct.
omloflump is offline  
Old 03-11-2005, 06:48 AM   #17
Magic Wand Waver
 
Fairygdmther's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Sarasota, Florida
Posts: 3,142
Send a message via MSN to Fairygdmther
Default

Omloflump

"Oh and Fairygdmother(only a 13 letter limit?),"

Actually when I took this name 7 years ago, AOL had a 12 char limit, so I eliminated the "o's" - the name stuck, so I've continued to spell it the same everywhere.

Fairygdmther

or FGM
__________________
Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fairygdmther is offline  
Old 03-11-2005, 06:37 PM   #18
The Impostor
 
omloflump's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: ?
Posts: 640
Default

On an unrelated note, do you have a favourite novel?
omloflump is offline  
 



Thread Tools

 


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.