[SoccerDude28]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[SoccerDude28]

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

Clinton pulled out a map of the Middle East and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

Clinton then said, "Well, can you make people love Hillary?"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

[SoccerDude28]

Okay this is a political Lebanese joke about the Syrian regime

George Bush, Jacques Chirac (France's president), and Bashar Assad (Syrian president) were all attending a party thrown by a wealthy person. The wealthy guy was showing them his pool, filled with exotic alligators from India. Fascinated by the exotic creatures, George Bush was leaning over the pool to see them closer when he lost his watch into the pool.

He went to his bodyguard and asked him to retrieve the watch for him, but his body guard said : "Sorry Mr. President I can't do that, I have a family back home."

Wanting to impress president Bush, Jacques Chirac asked his own personal body guard to retrieve the watch, but his body guard said : "Sorry Mon President I can't do that, I have a family back home".

Finally, Bashar Assad asked his own personal body guard to retrieve the watch. The body guard lept into the water, punched the first alligator, kicked the second one, grabbed the watch and returned it to president Bush. Astonished by the Syrian body guard's courage, president Bush asked him :" That was really brave from you, why did you endanger your life like that?"

To that the Syrian body guard answered : "I also have a family back home"

[Synonym]

Originally Posted by HaiDang

Can't believe it's Vestrum Tobias! How are you doing these days your Holiness? I only started frequenting this place again a few days back. I left Vietnam for Singapore to further my studies, which I have basically forsaken during the last 2 years in this clean new land.

Aye, 'tis me, the one and onlyeth.. err... something like that at least. *pans Dang to infitiy in a perpetuual cycle for eons and eons until death do us part.. Amen... I mean.. Buddha*

[squarejawhero]

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them gets a bit stupid, and the whole thing unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

[artwking4]

Hey. What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler:

A stick.

[squarejawhero]

Why did the punk cross the road?

Spoiler:

Cos he was stapled to the chicken.

[Melanie68]

[Sage]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler:

To show possums that it could be done.

ScottMate

[DomStLeger]

Two nuns are sitting in a park when all of a sudden a man jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.

One nun has a stroke. But the other can't reach.

[DustCropper]

Originally Posted by DomStLeger

Two nuns are sitting in a park when all of a sudden a man jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.

One nun has a stroke. But the other can't reach.

Hehe

[Intrepid Homoludens]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral by his family. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, choir music was played, the huge heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all the others turned to him with much incredulity, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[RLacey]

That's quite a thread resurrection .

What's the difference between a wounded lion and a thunderstorm?

One roars with pain, the other pours with rain.

I thank you.

[Melanie68]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral by his family. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, choir music was played, the huge heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all the others turned to him with much incredulity, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

ROFLMAO!!!

[Panthera]

http://media.putfile.com/On-The-Streets-Of-America-3

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Just picked this one tonight. Made me snicker and yet there's truth to it...

" Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man religion and watch him starve to death praying for fish. "

[stepurhan]

Originally Posted by Intrepid Homoludens

Just picked this one tonight. Made me snicker and yet there's truth to it...

" Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man religion and watch him starve to death praying for fish. "

Only really truth in it you're not one of those religions that happens to mention doing deeds.

Try out the book of James in the Bible for instance. (verses 15 to 17 of chapter 2 seem particularly relevant)

Really Bad Joke courtesy of Really Bad Jokes.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

[bulldog]

While taking a bath, a three year old boy was examining his testicles. "Mom," he said, "are these my brains?"



"Not yet." she replied.

[Jelena]

Stepurhan!!!!



j/k


EDIT:
Good one Bulldog!

[stepurhan]

Originally Posted by Jelena

Stepurhan!!!!



j/k

Really Bad Jokes.

Accurate webpage titles in action.

Here's a few more shorter ones from the same source.

Why was the lobster arrested?
Because he was always pinching things.


The ghost teacher was showing her class how to walk through walls. "Now did all of you understand that?" she asked. "If not, I'll just go through it again."


What kind of pizza do pilots like?
Plain.


Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.


Why do dogs chase their tails?
They want to make ends meet.