[SoccerDude28]

Okay this is about the history of Math in American schools

In the 70's: A woodcutter is cutting 15% of the trees in a forest with 500 trees, and he makes 10$ per tree, how much money does the woodcutter make?

In the 80's: A woodcutter is cutting 75 trees in a forest and making 10$ per tree, how much money does the woodcutter make?

In the 90's: A woodcutter is cutting 75 trees in a forest and making 10$ per tree, please underline the words woodcutter and trees in the above sentence.

Now: A woodcutter is cutting 75 trees in a forest and making 10$ per tree, how do you think the squirrels feel about this?

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About corporations:

An employee plays Bowling.
A manager plays Tennis.
A CEO plays golf.

What is the moral? The higher up, the smaller your balls.

[SoccerDude28]

Some blonde jokes:

How do you drown a blonde? tie a mirror to the bottom of the swimming pool.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in sex.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair black? Artificial intelligence

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working? Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash? She got cold and turned off the fan.

How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Sorry to all you blondes

[seebaruk]

I was in the butchers the other day and he asked me if I could grab some meat from the top shelf. I said "sorry mate, the steaks are too high".

Geddit? Steaks, stakes, hohoho!

[squarejawhero]

[RLacey]

This thread is a joke...

Right, here goes:

• *NEWSFLASH* A group of local thieves have stolen all of the toilet seats from the local prison. The police are looking for something to go on...

*guffaw*

• There are three boys riding their bikes through town, and these boys are called "Shut Up", "Manners" and "Trouble". While they're out, Trouble goes missing, so Shut Up enters a phone box to call the police for help...

"You're through to the police."

"I was wondering if you could help me?"

"And what is your name?"

"Shut Up."

"I beg your pardon?! Where are your manners?"

"Out on the doorstep."

"Are you looking for trouble?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact I am! How did you know?"

I never cease to astound myself with my sophisticated humour...

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Troubled User
______________________________________

TECH SUPPORT REPLY:

Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command CAPOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Homer walked into a sports bar on a Thursday evening. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and looked up at the TV. The 10 o'clock news had just come on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building threatening to jump.

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Homer says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Homer placed a 20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off
the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "Keep it. I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[seebaruk]

Man walks into a doctors. He says "I can't pronounce my F's or T's"
Doctor says "You can't say fairer than that"

So a penguin is on a road trip and he's driving his car, when all the sudden it craps out. Luckly, it breaks down in front of a gas station. So the mechanic comes out and inspects the car and the penguin goes inside. He orders an ice cream cone, and the little fella gets it all over his face. So, he goes outside and the mechanic says to him "Looks like you blew a seal". And the penguin says "No, that's just ice cream"

[Intrepid Homoludens]

LMAO!!

Good one.

[lumi]

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

---

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

[RLacey]

Originally Posted by Spider Crusoe

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

---

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."

The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"

Are these both missing punchlines? Or am I just tired?

[lumi]

Originally Posted by RLacey

Are these both missing punchlines? Or am I just tired?

Yeah, they're supposed to be realistic version of actual jokes. After hearing the original version of the second joke so many times, I think the realistic ending is funnier.

[Synonym]

No Dang, it wasn't you who started Joke Central, for it was I. The venereal (hihi) and admirable Tobias.

How is everything in Vietnam?

Treppie, I am thinking about hijacking this thread and taking it with me for my backpacking trip with Garyos. Ok with you?

BTW; does Jonko and the boys still frequent the forums?

[artwking4]

Okay, so this koala bear is performing oral sex on this prostitute. Suddenly, the koala just gets up and starts to walk out the door. The prostitute stops him, saying "Hey, you still have to pay me! I'm a prostitute!"

"A prostitute? What's that?" the koala asks.

The prostitute goes and gets a dictionary, opens it to the definition and hands it to him.

He reads slowly, "Prostitute: A woman who performs sex acts in exchange for money."

"There, now pay up!" exclaims the prostitute.

The koala tosses back the dictionary. "Well, I'm a koala. Look that up," he says as he exits the apartment.

The prostitute opens up the dictionary and reads the definition. "Koala bear: A small furry marsupial that eats bushes and leaves."

[squarejawhero]

That's genius. I wish I knew jokes, but I'm naturally funny so I don't need them.

/modesty

[saucyminx]

Oh brudderr! *eyeroll*

Ok, this is one of my faves...

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you!", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[squarejawhero]

Verrrry clever...

*brain explodes*

[Lucien21]

We had this joke circulate the office last week although it had a different ending (one where the guy does sleep with Teresea)

Very funny.


Other ones I have recieved today (Yes we don't actually do any work here)

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled and said hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Are you that cracking stripogram on my stag night that I had my evil way with on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher!"

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed ... YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.


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[HaiDang]

Can't believe it's Vestrum Tobias! How are you doing these days your Holiness? I only started frequenting this place again a few days back. I left Vietnam for Singapore to further my studies, which I have basically forsaken during the last 2 years in this clean new land.

Back to the jokes, these were randomly taken from Al Lowe's daily humor newsletters:

Customer Service Operator: "Hello. How may I help you?" Blonde: "Yes, I need Jack's telephone number?" Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Who are you talking about?" Blonde: "Your User Guide clearly states on section 17, page 5, that I need to unplug my fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, what's Jack's phone number?"

A blonde read a newspaper headline that blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." As she shook her head at this sad news, she asked the man sitting beside her, "How many's in a Brazilian?"