[Lucien21]

Woot!!

You are in the middle of a murder investigation. A serial killer is on the loose and has threatened to kill one person every 2 hours until you catch him.

On a trip home to get some clues you find the door is locked and and some smoke coming out the window.

You have to save your Cat.

Inventory: Some smelly socks, Rope, Half eaten Liver of last victim, Clown shoes, Gun

[Maquisard]

Use gun with rope to fashion a grappler. Use grappler with window. Use rope. "I'm too old for that shit!" Use half eaten liver of last victim with clown shoes to fashion suction cup shoes. Use suction cup shoes (You put the shoes on). Use rope (You scale the wall). Enter window. "I can't breathe in that shit!" Use smelly socks (you tie them around your face). Enter window (You trip and fall in through the window. The cat eats the liver on your clown shoes). Pick up cat. Exit window. "I can't scale back down without suction cups!" At that moment, the killer, who is overweight from eating liver every 2 hours, shows up to gloat about having gotten you stranded in a fire. "I love my livers well done! Mwahahahaha" Pick up gun. Use gun with killer (He dies). Use dead body (it cushions your fall). The end.

[ShadeJackrabbit]

Use GUN on DOORKNOB. "That won't help!"
Use LIVER on DOORKNOB. "There, I broke off the knob with the meat."
Use DOOR. *enters house* "The liver is getting smokey."
Use CLOWN SHOES on FIRE. "I stamped out the fire, but the shoes got ruined!"
Use ROPE. "I tied it into a net."
Look at GUN. "It's got an unusually large opening.
Use NET on GUN. "I've fitted the net into the gun."
Pickup CAT. "It runs away!"
*save*
Use GUN on CAT. "No! I shot it! Kitty!" *GAME OVER* *LOAD GAME*
Use NET IN GUN on CAT. "There, I caught the cat."
Use DOOR. *leaves house*

[Squinky]

Shoot the door down. Find the serial killer in your kitchen trying, unsuccessfully, to cook Kraft Dinner on the stove. Shoot him. Step over his corpse and add 25% to your health. Shoot some windows and marvel at the way the glass shatters so realistically. Shoot your cat by accident and marvel at the way blood splatters all over. Realise that you're playing the wrong genre of game, shrug, and continue to shoot stuff. When you run out of ammo, throw tiny bits of liver at people.

[stepurhan]

Wear clown shoes. Clown shoes are too loose to stay on your feet.

Wear smeally socks. Done

Wear clown shoes. The smaelly socks are just thick enough to keep the clown shoes on.

Kick door with clown shoes. The heavy clown shoes allow you to kick a cat-flap sized hole in the door.

Use liver on hole. You hear a meow from upstairs and the sounds of a cat padding along the landing.

Repeat. You hear the sounds of a cat coming down the stairs. A passer-by has stopped and is looking at you oddly.

Repeat. You hear the cat comng across the hall and it appears in the catflap. The passer-by is now looking annoyed.

Give liver to cat. The cat comes out through the hole and starts munching on the liver. The passer-by screams. "Hey! I'd left that bit for later to have with some Fava beans and a big Amarone* ". He pulls out a large knife and advances on you.

Use gun on serial killer. You shoot the serial killer in the shoulder causing him to fall to the ground dropping the knife.

Use rope on serial killer. You tie the serial killer securely.

Get promotion. Good work Inspector. You solved the case.

* This is what it was in the book. Who knows why they changed it for the film.

[fajerkaos]

First thing first, you examine the gun.
You realize that it's not a gun at all, but the key to your house.
"Easy mistake", you say comfortingly to yourself as you open the door.
When you enter, you see the killer standing next to a window, holding your cat in a stranglehold and smoking a big cigar.
He pick up a gun from his pocket and shoot your brain out.
You are dead.

Reload.

You wait outside the house for a around a half hour or so. When you finally walk inside, you find the killer's dead body lying on the floor.
You say "Smoking kills!" with your cheesiest voice ever, and proceed to live happily ever after.

The rest of the items, you throw in the trash, wondering why on earth you were carrying them in the first place.

[SSH]

Kick in the door and find the oven smoking. Open oven and find cat burning. Turn off oven and drop cat in the sink and douse with water, poor kitty. Phone rings and its the killer's girlfriend. She talks to you like you are the killer. Realise that you ARE Tyler Durden. Go to oven, grill liver and eat it with the cat on the side. Create noose with socks, hang yourself. Wake up in mental institution. You win (and lose).

[Lucien21]

Einey Meeny Miney Moe

The Winner is ...

Stepurhan

[stepurhan]

Yay!

You're walking along with your girl/boyfriend* when you see your boss coming towards you in the opposite direction. He's spotted you and waved. Your other half has already seen him waving at you so you can't just ignore him.

Unfortunately, your other half is convinced that you're a spy (because that's how you persuaded them to go out with you in the first place) In reality, you're an accountant, a fact your boss is almost certain to bring up.

You have : A solar-powered calculator, 4 biros (red, green, blue and black), and a Junior Spy Kit consisting of Decoder Ring, Miniaturised Earpiece Radio (non-functional) and Big False Moustache (for disguises).

* delete as applicable

[undeaf]

Too bad nothing in the spy kit will work anyway.

Okay, when talking to my boss, I will purposely make mistakes about things I should know, like the names of places and colleagues. I will also ask my boss nosy questions, hopefully ones he'll try to avoid answering.

I will hold out my calculator in a sneaky maner, and will constantly hold down a button on it.

Afterwards when there aren't any strangers watching, I will write down some notes on what he said on my skin. If one of the pens is out of ink, I will use that one as well, as if that one has invisible ink in it.

[Squinky]

Your boss walks up to you. "Fancy seeing you here! Say, have you finished those TPS reports for me yet?" (NOTE: I know nothing about accounting, so I'm using made-up terminology from Office Space.)

"Er..."

"Well, enjoy your evening. By the way, I've been meaning to tell you, but I think I'm going to need you to come in to work this Saturday. I hope that's okay!" He leaves.

Your significant other scowls at you. "You're an ACCOUNTANT?! I thought you told me you were a spy!"

***SAVE***

"I lied to you, sweetheart. I'm sorry. I only said I was a spy so that you'd go out with me. But now that you've gotten to know me, you'll still love me, right?"

IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS A MAN:

"Honey, I thought I told you. I don't care what you do for a living. I only care about the fact that you're hot. Let's go back to my place."

The game ends.

IF YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS A WOMAN:

"Actually... no. I mean, you're super-cute and all, but what am I going to tell my friends? I mean, I'm dating an accountant! How much more of a loser could I be?"

She dumps you.

***RELOAD***

"Shh! That's the whole point! No one's supposed to know I'm a spy! The accountant thing is just a secret identity!"

"Oh. Well... couldn't you have picked a better secret identity? Like, a surgeon, or a chef, or a firefighter, or something?"

***SAVE***

"I would have, but... they were all taken?"

"What kind of a wimpy excuse is THAT?! You know what, now that I think about it, I really don't see us having a future together..."

She dumps you.

***RELOAD***

"What are you talking about? That's the best secret identity there is! It's so different from who I really am, no one will ever suspect a thing!"

"Hmm. Good point. I never really thought of it that way. So... you want to go back to my place?"

The game ends.

[Merricat]

Remain calm. When your boss approaches, give your boyfriend a wink and subtle nudge in the ribs, then conduct the conversation with your boss in a normal fashion. Get out your solar powered calculator and show it to your boss to impress him and win extra points. Introduce your boyfriend to your boss to impress the boss with your manners, and win extra points.
After your boss leaves, explain (in a low voice, while looking carefully around) to your boyfriend that you are in deep cover, on the trail of a mighty drug lord who is laundering money through the accounting firm. Explain that your boss is an innocent who knows nothing of the crime that his higher-ups are involved in, and that you are trying to protect your boss from harm while getting the goods on the bad guys.
Show your boyfriend your Junior Spy kit. When he remarks that your equipment seems a bit, well, juvenile, open your shirt and show him your grown-up equipment. Every thought in his head will immediately blow away and you will never have this conversation again.
You win.

[SSH]

Boss says (a la Squinky) "Fancy seeing you here! Say, have you finished those TPS reports for me yet?"

You reply in an overly emphatic voice "The reports will be ready for the Big Cheese by 5pm tomorrow" and wiggle your eyebrows

The boss looks at you funny and say "Riiiiiight, OK. Your business cards arrived, by the way". He hands you a box and hurries off.

Significant other says "What was all THAT about?"

"Coded messages, dear. I could tell you what they meant, but then I'd have to kill you".

"Can I see your cards please"

"errrrr... I can't think why not" (damn!)

She looks at the cards and says "Steven Brown MICA? They spelled your name wrong again, and doesn't MICA stand for Member of the Institute of Chartered Accountants?"

"No, no, it's a joint project between MI5 and the CIA: Military Intelligence Central Agency"

"OK... lets get a room and hump like rabbits!"

[stepurhan]

It's a tough call but I think I'm going to have to go with SSH for his sheer gall in deliberately mis-spelling my name and the MICA acronym.

[SSH]

Woo!

You are an amateur adventure game designer but your artistic powers have been sapped by nerdonite, a strange green alien mineral that surrounds your home since a recent meteorite crash. You have to get some decent artwork done for your game, or face the wrath of your clamouring fanbois who demand another game featuring your famous antihero, "Porkpie".

Inventory: $100, A long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end, A plaster bust of Queen Victoria, A blunderbuss and A set of instructions for how to use a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end.

[Giligan]

Shoot the face of the statue of Queen Victoria with the blunderbuss, thus creating a statue of Queen Elizabeth. Smack it with the other thing with the lump on the end and adorn it with the $100 and the instructions, and you have "Porkpie".

[stepurhan]

Read instructions on how to use the long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end. Discover it is a bust opening device.

Open bust of Queen Victoria (in accordance with instructions) to find a box of anti-nerdonite pellet ammunition suitable for a blunderbuss.

Use $100 to buy gunpowder suitable for blunderbuss.

Combine anti-nerdonite ammunition. gunpowder and blunderbuss to create nerdonite removal device.

Remove nerdonite, restoring your artistic powers and saving the day.

Go Porkpie!

[Squinky]

Download Inform 7 and write a text adventure.

[RLacey]

Or just reuse assets from your previous game.

Anyway...

Look at instructions for how to use a long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end. Realise that the long bent thing with a sort of lump on the end is a spoon.

Use the spoon to hollow out the inside of the plaster bust of Queen Victoria.

Open the door to your house, and place the plaster bust of Queen Victoria on the floor. Since the nerdonite has strong anti-artistic power power, it should be attracted towards such a hideous item, filling up the inside of the bust.

Post the sticky, green plaster bust of Queen Victoria to Area 51 in America. Since you'd have to be British to possess such a plaster bust to start off with, this postage will not be cheap. Probably about $100 in fact, by the time you've converted that into a real currency.

Draw up the required artwork, safe in the knowledge that you'll do a better job than anyone trying to draw anything at Area 51 ever again.

[SSH]

Robert wins for his anti-American jokes