Well, I pretty much regret writing what I did, so join the club :P.

I don’t understand why. I don’t know about everyone else but I would like to know why is on your mind. I’m a great listener….. do you want to share?

Thanks man, that was a perfect post to help me with what I've been feeling these past few days. :)

You can always count on Trep.

Dear AG Blog:

Ah, the State of the (Liz) Union...

I'm pretty much broke. I have something like $50 in the bank, and $5 of credit left. Got $60 coming in this week for selling some things, and that's about it. Need to sell more things...

Got a job lined up, finally, after 4 months of little to nothing available in my skill set and my roommate threatening to kick me out anyway. Pretty good one, too... I *finally* have a job that's full time and pays $10/hour, and it's data entry, too. Unfortunately it's only gonna last for 2 months or so, and the actual day I'm starting is up in the air. Hope it's soon, cause I need the money...

Speaking of said roommate, we used to be best friends once. Lately, though... I'm sick of him. He belittles my hobbies, doesn't take anything I say seriously, never gives me any help that matters or requires any effort on his part, and was willing to kick me out even though I was *trying* to find a job, but not having any luck, and don't have anywhere else to go. And he knows damn well from 6 years of living together that when I do have a job I give him any money he needs that I have available; I'm not a deadbeat.

And then there's the things about him that have always driven me nuts, like his inability to be serious about anything and his slobby packratness. Wish I had the money to move out on my own, but seeing as how I haven't had close to enough money in the entire 10 years I've been working so far... yeah.

Hell, I don't even have enough money to buy a computer, let alone move out. Most normal people, they save up to buy stuff like cars and houses. Me? I can't even save up enough money to finally replace my slowly dying 7-year-old computer. The idea of me ever owning anything worthwhile like a car or house is a silly pipe dream at best.

I lie back sometimes and remember back when I was in school. Straight A student, ceiling level scores on every academic assessment test I took, had colleges sending me recruitment letters when I took my PSATs in 9th grade and got back my scores... I was the kid that probably would have been voted "Most likely to work in some big-ass science R&D place somewhere". Hell, I still even wow all my temp agency recruiters when I take their skill tests.

I'd like to say I wonder where I went wrong, except I know right where it happened. I've just spent too many years alternating between treading from paycheck to paycheck and drowning to fix it.

I suppose I feel a little like our AG pal Mory does about money... if I didn't need it to survive, better myself, and buy the few things I want to buy (books, DVDs, and computer games, mainly), I wouldn't care about it. Unfortunately, since I never have any, I'm stuck always thinking about it.

So, I find myself much like I was about 10 years ago... feeling completely depressed, apathetic, useless, and lonely. At least back then I had no bills hanging over my head, and I had just made a new friendship that promised to drag me out of the muck... except that, as usual, the promise of both that friendship and bettering my situation turned out to be worthless. Now I have negative net worth, no offline friends, and nothing to fall back on.

I'm also remembering why I never keep a diary... since the few times I have kept a diary, I'd go back and read it one day, and all the entries would sound a lot like this post - in emotion and utter lack of anything going my way, at least, if not in specific events.

Signed, Liz

P.S. Ignore Lacey's self-depreciations. He's cute, funny, and entertaining to talk to, even if he could stand to loosen the twist in his shorts just a wee. ;)

Are you there, AG Community Blog? It's me, Squinky.

I've been reading through some entries that other people have posted on you, and I must say, it's kind of interesting to get this rare insight into the personal lives and feelings of said people. Contrary to many people's opinions, I actually do enjoy listening/reading to other people talk about themselves.

Well, actually, I seem to have a marked preference for reading other people talk about their feelings rather than simply what they do, as the former is a lot more revealing about people's character than the latter. The latter, for me, is interesting when it pertains to a subject that I actually care about or have some interest in - I'm more likely to listen to someone blabbing about innovation in gaming than to someone blabbing about some band I've never heard of or some wild party that no one would really care about unless they were there.

Feelings, I like better because they're universal and therefore easier to relate to. Maybe I also like them because they're a rare topic, something that only people who have known each other a while and trust one another will divulge. And hearing other people expressing their feelings makes me more confident about divulging my own. After all, mutual self-disclosure is what brings people closer to one another.

I can understand Jelena and Rob's feelings about regret, though. Laying yourself bare and having no one really acknowledge you or reciprocate is kind of scary, especially when it's over the Internet and everyone and their dog could find what you've written if they searched hard enough. And then there's also the inevitable embarrassment of moving past your feelings of the moment and being ashamed of them later. God knows this has happened to me many times - there have been three instances in which I've started a personal journal online only to freak out and delete all the entries in it later.

On a lighter note, I glossed over Jat's entry and read the following:

And then in my head, I was like, "OMG! That's practically the mirror image of MY taste in music!" therefore confirming the theory that I must be a gay man trapped in a woman's body, though an unusually prudish one.

And with that thought, I bid you adieu, AG Community Blog. And to a certain number one fan of mine who I'm sure is going to post in here right after me, hello, and how are things?

Hiya AGers!

You know I really do enjoy the writting and friendly atmosphere that is produced dy all of you. You make a redneck just as welcome as a Namibian, Even though this redneck accidentally steps on a few toes.

Im sitting here reading and I cannot help but feel at least partially akin to you all. Me and my family went through a few problems a few years back and me in my infinate wisdom moved them all to Kentucky from Texas to be closer to my mother for some reason that did not hit me till I had been here for a few months. God had sent me here.

Now I have to tell you folks that I was practically an Athiest before all this happened here. I'm still far from a bible thumpin, standing on the pulpit, telling others how to live person. I favor no established religion but I have deep feelings for Christ teachings, not Christian Doctrin as it's set up now but the teachings in all the Gospels are dear to my heart, even the Gospels eradicated from the Bible.

I also found God in of all things math. I was reading about the string theory one time. String theory is a set of formulae that is like the one in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy for all Physics. It is a formula in which all things come together. Only problem is you cannot prove it in a controled enviroment, believe me this causes all sorts of crap and denials that it's possible because it cannot be proven. The only way for String Theory to work is by believing it does, you have to have FAITH that it is real. For some reason this struck me profoundly.

Now the reason I think God brought me here is my mother. After we had settled down we found that she had breast cancer. This was a blow to me since I had the Super Mom image of her and it was a grueling year and a half but we managed okay and thought it was licked. All things settled down and me and my family were considering moving back to Texas. For some reason the money situation didn't work out the way we had hoped and we were stuck once again. them mom was striken with cancer in her liver and back. We thought that was going well but what we found out later that she was holding back the facts from us so as not to hurt us, it had spread through her body and also in her brain. She wasn't going to live and she knew this for about 6 months, never telling us or my step father. She passed away last month.

Some will say that it was coincedence that I came and then I had to stay but for some reason I cannot. If not for my new found faith and my loving wife and family (Whom I thank god for every day, even when I'm mad) I know that I would have gone insane. The pain is there still, it's really hard to shake, but I make it.

Now for the thank you's. I have not been here but a little while but you guys are great! The way I deal with pain alot is through humor and you give here as good as you get. I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate it all.

Well thanks for listening and you folks hava goodun!

Paul,
The P in RLPW:7

I got this in my inbox a couple of weeks ago:

I've been thinking about friendship. I am horrible at keeping in touch with people I have met (and my family as well) but there are some that I do keep up with much more. I think I need some people too much and take too much from them without giving enough in return. I think I am unfair to friends in my life when I expect more from them than what they are able to give and make them feel guilty unknowingly (and maybe sometimes knowingly). http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a2...lies/shame.jpg When I do so, I think they don't like to be around me or communicate with me as much. I wish I could be a better friend and do as the message says above and cherish what my friends are able to give me and not be such a draining person.

Sorry to keep waiting, darling.

I'm perhaps a little less cranky now than I have been through most of the day. I had a client basically reject a number of my more subtle design methods, figuring there was somehow something wrong with overlapping and contrast and colour selection and other fun things that apparently only us artsy folk understand and appreciate. As the work had to be at the printers before close of business, I pushed to get an Okay on the work by basically implementing every weak little request made at lightning speed, and only sacrificing subtlety and my artistic pride to do so. I'll have my revenge when I present her with the invoice.

As you've expressed a preference for feelings over minutiae, I should say that I'm feeling harried and out of sorts, and I really think I could do with a long, quiet snuggle somewhere watching a movie and relaxing. However, I have to make dinner, finish doing some favours for fellow artists, and look over revisions for another part of the gig I mentioned above.

So I'm going to stop talking about work and mention that one of the nicest conversations I've had in ages occurred last night witha very darlign lady whom I hope to speak with again very soon. I hope she's doing well.

Since I can't edit my posts, I'd also like to add that I can be smothering at times also with my friends. I wish I could find the right balance.

I've been guilty of that myself. In the end, I don't know if there is a balance. You simply share as much of the love you have for your people as you feel safe about, and if you miss the mark, you'll soon know who your friends are, and they will most certainly know who you are. In a way, it all works out.

*HUG*

http://www.blinkenlights.de/images/b...n_yang.blm.gif

I'm happy. But it's the kind of happiness one achieves through a gauntlet of tears. An earned happiness. A gift of happiness. These things don't last long, and I think that's the problem many people have. They see good things as deservedly permanent, that once attained it's supposed to stay with them. And then they see it go away and they throw a big fit, like what a small child does when his big brother grabs his toy. And then they become depressed.

I realized some time ago how deeply I feel, whatever I feel. I realized I may not be typical. When I'm happy I'm flying, when I'm sad I explore that sadness as thoroughly as I can until I hit the bottom. Then the only way to go is up. That's how life is.

There's this, too: it took me years to realize that happiness also takes a great amount of courage. It's very easy slip into depression and wallow in self-pity. I've done all that. But it takes work to strive to be happy. That, of course, is only one kind of happiness. But it's the kind that counts, and in a big way. There are other kinds, like tiny little windfall moments (surprise visits from your best friend, a postcard from Italy, a co-worker bringing fresh baked brownies to work on a Monday), and those also come and go. It's a matter of perspective, and of choice.

And my choice is to be happy when I can, to strive for happiness to the best of my ability, and to know when to let go of happiness when it's time, because there will always be a little more around the corner.

Dear AG Community Blog,

Trep is absolutely right. I've been slowly but surely learning the same thing myself. I'm glad he shared this with us.

Yours truly,
Squinky

Dear AG Community Blog,

Your still gay.

Love and kisses,
Silvsie.

Dear AG Community Blog,

I still want to **** silvsie.

xoxo
Trep

Dear AG Community Blog,

Sexualy frustrated this last week, specially since I've been pumping up at the gym for a while and want someone to feel my muscley arms. =p

Hate and Crime,
Dasilva

I'm thinking a lot about time. (please read what I want to say, not my spelling errors or bad grammar;) )

A year has passed since my life changed from efficiency and energy to slowness, pain (headache) and confusion. Some of you know my story and I won't go through all the details again.
In short words I worked too hard for too long (about 7 years) and never listened to my feelings or the warning signals from my body. It's funny I knew what was coming but still I refused to do anything about it. I had to crash to be able to start changing.

Here's where time comes into the contex. If it takes seven years to descend to the level of incapability where I went. How long should I expect my recovery to take? Not seven years?!

Another aspect of time is what I'm capable of doing during one day. Of course I compare it to how it was before. Not that I want to go back to mistreating myself, (and by doing so also mistreating my family) I'm just amazed of how little it takes for me to become totally exhausted and just fall asleep. I'm working 2.25 hours a day. That's 25 % of full time. I'm far from being able to work more. I know this in my heart. I need more time. My boss says she's going to keep me whatever happens since she knows my capabilities. Hearing that worries me, because she wants what I used to achieve.

I will never go back to striving so bad for perfection that I'd treat my family the way I did. Working late hours, bringning my work home. Christer said about me: on first place you put your job, on secon place you put your job as well. We, your family comes on third place at best.

Well, times have changed for me. Time is on my side. But it's hard to keep the focus. Sometimes I despair.

Dear God,

Am I really full of the Devil? Oh well, I can't promise I'll stop teasing people. You made me this way after all. Eat that.

Love,
Margaret

Dear AGCB.

Since lots of people have been acting pretty "squinky" (chances are you're not gonna find that term in the dictionary of your choice) :P ) in here, I'm gonna do that myself now. It's been, like a year since I dropped my college stuff, and I still haven't been able to go... anywhere. No real plans what to do and a complete lack of motivation to come up with something decent whatsoever. Recently a person back from "the days" who my mind's still somewhat connecting to my failure at college asked me that dreaded "how are you" question, I almost had to puke and didn't respond. On the bright side, the molar that broke off a while ago will get fixed in the next couple of weeks, and I'm sick of the sight of it. Still, I'd give *everything* to have such a cool machine as Doc Emmett Brown had. Three years. Just fuckin' three years. :(

Since it was clear that when last I titillated you with my verbiage, you were hanging on my every word, I shall share the events that have transpired since.

I was asked directions by a quintessential Aryan beauty, that made me truly appreciate why the Germans call themselves the master race. :9~

I went out last night with a group of straight people. We went to a few bars, then ended up in some sort of club where we were admitted to the V.I.P area. It was quite fun, but versus Tuesday night, there was really no comparison. Clearly nobody parties like the queers.

I developed a taste for Jose Cuervo (and his Tequila wasn't bad either ;) )

I saw a gorgeous guy who had chiselled features and long dirty-blonde hair tied in a ponytail. :9~

I got a hug from a cute straight guy, who sadly was committed to his breeder lifestyle, as I saw him grinding on the dance floor with a girl I had met who shares my tastes in rock music. On the scale of breeders he was one of the cool ones, and didn't mind playfully touching me in jest. :D

I stayed relatively sober, and left at 12:30am when I got bored.

http://www.europeasap.com/Image/DBIm...t%20night.jpeg

WTF is it with German men, Blogsie? They seem to have this receptiveness, this relaxed embrace of the world, that many American men seem to lack, and it imparts them with that much more beauty, that much more climate - where I want to be.

I frequent a site (based out of Germany but is international) for men, and I'm always getting 'hits' from Germans. I keep in touch with at least two of them, and there is one who lives in San Francisco, a jovial type, who wants me to see him next time I come up. One of the men in Berlin, a scientist who often travels to the States to lectures and conventions, wants badly to fall in love with me, he and I get on famously because we can talk about things like philosophy, art, culture, and life. He's not exactly classically goodlooking but he has something better - this coolness, this "I-don't-know-what" about him that's incredibly sexy. It's tragic, though, because I'm here and he's there, and for that we both die a little at each thought of it. We've sent each other postcards.

The other Berliner is punkish and urban but has the heart and soul of a poet. He understands me completely, my sensitivities, my dynamism. He sees the same kinds of rare gems in the everyday that I see, and what I see most people don't notice. We take comfort in knowing that we both exist in tandem, even though the world separates us physically. Then there is the fellow sensualist from Honolulu, a tall slim German with peppery hair and a velvety way of writing. We talk about scented candles, oils, kissing with restraint but with an undercurrent of boiling desire, and he is sad I'm not there but wants to come to L.A. in December.

I thrive in little pockets of life, no matter how far away on the horizon.