[DomStLeger]

Originally Posted by Tamara

That's not true. One of the reasons we (as a species) have advanced as much as we have and are able to live in incredible luxury (compared to, say, 10,000 years ago, all of us do) is because we are sometimes able to put aside our individual needs and be altruistic .. that is the foundation of a society. The predisposition towards altruism evolved precisely because it does benefit us, in the long run. I've been reading a lot about the science/philosophy of science behind this kind of thing, which is perhaps partly what inspired this diatribe. So yes, it is an incredibly pessimistic view of human nature .. but I'm not convinced it's wrong. I mean, I consider myself a pretty damn nice person .. I care about people and generally try to help out when I can. And yet if I fine-comb why, if I go deep enough, I will almost always find some kind of ulterior motive. It doesn't ultimately mean I'm a bad person, because it's part of the human condition .. still isn't nice though.

I don't know that every altruisitic act can be traced to some ulterior reason. I think that yes, we do feel good about being altruistic and strictly speaking that makes it not real altruism, but I don't think thats something we should be guilty about and I don't think it should count - we can't get round it. So in those cases where the only benefit to us is that we feel happy then i'd say thats true altruism. The other thing is, if you look for a reason when there isn't one you could just be creating one. In other words if search for a reason for an act, and expect to find one, our logical minds may create one that fits. But that doesn't mean it actually went through our mind when we did the act. So we end up tricking ourselves because we're so convined that the hypothesis is right?

Originally Posted by Tamara

As you know I've got whole chunks of my life I don't remember for other reasons, so I do know how that feels. My reaction, later, was to start a very detailed diary .. writing once a week and puttingdown pretty much everything I did. ATM I'm taking a bit of a break because I can't be bothered, but I do have a solid 1 1/2 years of my life in there. Just knowing it's there if you ever want it helps.

I've considered doing that but I have fears. One of them is that I won't be honest and it'll end up just being the version of events I won't mind someone else reading. I know it's paranoid, but I think eventually someone would read a diary like that, even if it's my grandchildren well after my death. So I wouldn't be able to write freely as I'd want to keep private things to myself; and I'm a very private person about certain things.

It's not a case of dark things or things that I'd be ashamed about. Just thoughts and ideas that are mine and make me who I am. It'd be like exposing myself to anyone who has a read; like being naked I suppose. As daft as it sounds.

[Tamara]

Ninja: uhh, I dunno that I use techniques, I just paint All of those are 100% done by hand btw, I've no idea how to create decent art on the computer

Dom: I'll answer you when I'm not so tired

[Erwin_Br]

Originally Posted by Tamara

Ninja: uhh, I dunno that I use techniques, I just paint

I think van Gogh wouldv'e said the same thing, if you'd ask him. Forget about techniques; just paint and do it the way you want.

--Erwin

[Ninja Dodo]

Yeah... well, I mostly meant what sort of materials you use. You should try digital art as well. I'm mainly into 3D but I like to experiment with 2D things as well and it's really interesting.

Sketched on paper, coloured in Photoshop:

http://zeepost.nl/~nd/boxart.jpg

Kinda rough and it could use a lot more intricate detail but I think it has a nice sorta feel to it, almost like watercolours.

... but for some really friggin amazing digital 2D art, check out the galleries of these two:
http://www.goodbrush.com/
http://www.furiae.com/

What you want to do is get a copy of Paint Shop Pro or Photoshop and one of these: http://www.wacom-europe.com/uk/produ.../intuos_a5.asp

From what I've heard, that's the best one. They've got cheaper ones as well though. I've got the Graphire3 A6. It's really great cause beyond just letting you draw on the computer like normal, the thing picks up pressure levels and you can even move the cursor by only hovering the pen above the tablet! Plus if you've got the Intuos it even takes the angle of the pen into account.

How way off topic this has gone...

[Tamara]

I'm not all that interested in digital art, because while other people's stuff looks great, I don't think it's the best medium to do what I wanna do. I do have photoshop, but I've no idea how to use it to make, for example, the pic you linked to. It would take a pretty steep learning curve, I'm guessing, for which I don't really have the patience.

[Ninja Dodo]

It's very easy actually. If you have one of those wacom tablets, all you do is select the Brush tool and pick a colour, in the Brush Tip Shape options pick a nice custom brush with some random dots, then turn on pen pressure as the control for opacity and line width (or pen tilt for that if you have the Intuos) and paint away!

... and if you want the black lines of your sketch to show through properly, put the colour on a layer over it and set the blend mode to "Multiply".

Plus there's loads of tutorials floating around the net, in case you want to learn how to do it properly like Mullins and Bergkvist.

[Unfie]

I know this is a late post, but as the subject isn't closed yet I presume I can post a "little" reply...
First of all, I'm new on this forum and I'm olmost 17 years old , so I still have to learn a lot about a lot... I'm from Belgium so don't mind the simplistic use of English (if that's even good english )
Tamara, I have the same problem as you!

What I would like, more than anything, would be to escape my contriving, conniving mind. To switch it off. To stop it constantly assessing incoming data and plotting as to how it will act on it in the future. I would give anything for a substance that would temporarily stop my mind.

Uuuhm I'm afraid the answer to that question is pretty obvious, and the answer is called drugs I don't suggest you should try using drugs!!!! It does make you feel the way I think you want but under the influence of the specific drug... So that makes the feeling unreal, it's just tricking/manipulating your body and mind without being able to manipulate it yourself...
K enough about drugs, you guys might begin to think I'm an addict
But as I said I have the same problem, and I also agree that we are selfish beings through skin and bone!!! And I actually believe that we don't really have a problem, we just have a ability we can't handle YET! The believe that we have absolute control over ourselves is just not settled in our mind, it's to unbelievable althought we know it's trough... hope I'm making sence for you
I think both of us were still raised with a bit of religion and that basis of religion still swarms through our minds... I don't believe in God but I think our education is the reason why we can't handle that feeling and why you and me worry about it so much... as you said we think to much
K hope it helped, man I wish I could have typed this text in dutch

[Tamara]

hey kiddo your email is what got me digging back at this forum actually, I haven't posted here in over a year. thanks for that.

re the essay, well, I probably don't still agree with all of it, I haven't had a full read through. But if there's one thing I've learnt since I wrote it, it's that in most situations where your mind goes in overdrive or something like that - the best thing is just to relax. Most things aren't really as much of a big deal as we think they are, not at the end of the day.

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Tamara

...if there's one thing I've learnt since I wrote it, it's that in most situations where your mind goes in overdrive or something like that - the best thing is just to relax. Most things aren't really as much of a big deal as we think they are, not at the end of the day.

I found this quote from Socrates:

Remember that there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity.

[Unfie]

Hehe No Problem
Yep you're right about that
And I'm a very relaxed person, so I never really get over stressed by thinking or by anything else, I'm to lazy to be getting stressed
But as we say in Belgium (antwerp) "ge moet da allemaal relativeren"
it means: "you have to put everything in perspective"
I would like to become a psychiatrist, so it's best that I put things in perspective because achieving my goal will mean studying for at least 12 years after secondairy school...
But I'm glad that you replyed this fast, thx
(mail me back if you have time, maybe I'm able to learn something from you, from your experiences but maybe it's best to find it out myself, nobody can stop me from growing up right

[Fairygdmther]

Tamara - first of all welcome back. I don't know if you remember me, but I definitely remember you and your exquisite writing. I was more of a lurker when you left, so you may not recall my name. I'm an older woman, an anachronism, perhaps, one born 20 years before I should have been. I'm a nurse, and never should have been, but it's what I know, so that's what I do.

I recall discussions with my friends at the age of perhaps 21-23 much like your essay. Some were feeling like they had no control over their lives and others felt the opposite, like you, that the control was too much to keep up with all the time. For me the answer was focus. People have always poured their hearts out to me as if I had the answers to life's questions. I don't and never did, but what I could do was empathize or even sympathize with them, even to the point of crying with them when they cried. At some point I recognized that focusing on something or someone else took my focus away from my own control and inadequacies. I no longer became the central or focal point of my own thoughts. I'm not recommending or advising this, just sharing my experience.

When my thoughts became more outer rather than inner-driven, it gave my mind some peace. I still do have my moments when I replay the mental tapes of past scenes ad nauseam, and know that I can't change or resolve the issues, but I somewhat feel that as you age it does get easier to focus on other than your own perceptions, and begin to accept who you are, and how you deal with the world. That dulling of perceptions, and it really does seem blunted at times, may give some relief from the intensity, but that mellowness also has it's price. If we don't keep our instincts honed sharp, we lose our edge on the world, and begin to care less. We all need to find the balance that feels most comfortable to us, between intense to the point of pain, and lassitude.

Meanwhile, please keep up with your writing - you are a very talented young woman, who is passionate enough, and intensely intelligent enough, to convey a great deal of thought in a way everyone can share.

Once again, nice to see you back!

FGM

[Ninja Dodo]

Yeah, welcome back!

Now let's convert some more people to K's Choice.

[Unfie]

Hhehe K's Choice you mean the Belgian group??
So funny, what a little search on google can do
It reminds me of how important all those little things are...
All your thoughts, all your actions regardless of how small they seem determine what happens with you, and who you are or who you will become...

[pleto4_ryan]

Nice write may is say. I can say i totally understand you. I've been there and have passed all these thoughts.
Firstly one thing. It's not bad to thing your moves...yes it can take effort and become quite...time taking but from a point of view it's the way things should happen. Even if we do not get it the world is full of millions of choices. Even the turn of your head or the movement of your hand can change the outcome of something. I believe in the tapestry of time, a tapestry that is created by "not ending" vines that each and everyone is touching each other and the tick of one can move another in the far distance (law of Chaos...law of balance actually )

Anyway...your thoughts are the subject of a thinking being, a being that understands that actions can create many different outcomes. Humans are animals and have their instincts but we are more evolved now...it's phycical to have these thoughts...we shouldn't hear to the instincts but to our brains.

For your mistrust of your actions and feels. Yes, it can be distrurbing because its easily to thing that "do my mind create this things?", "do i create them myself not-knowing-i-do, just to have them". "Should i have them and that's why i do". The best thing is to have a clean mind and listen not to your brain but to your body. Because whatever is the occation, how much you put your brain to work it's your body that shows how you feel. i know that this seems weird "talking of hearing the brain first and then to the body." It's a weird thingie. I find it that humans are in the face of semi-evoltion.... They reached a point that they have to overcome their bodily instincts but also understand the awakening of their mind.

Ok...to try to be clearer. For me its best to trust your brain in thinking about the outcomes but also trust your body on what you feel. Because on whatever level we see it, whatever we feel, "whatever" is a chemical thingie. Laugher, saddness almost everything is electricity and chemist. If you think about it nothing is real. If we press electricity on someones mind (on a certain spot) he/she will laugh, cry, feel depressed.
The conclution throws us to the idea that we just have to believe in out reactions.
But...with a clear mind...because there is the large possibility our actions and feels are the "leftover" of our surroundings. But if someone understands that he/she don't have to be a stereotype of his/her civilisation then he/she can have a clear mind to really feel his/her body...
Am i making any sence here?
One thingie..i want to say to you Bravo to get over your "depression problem" by your self. It's one of the things our "civilised" countries don't undertand. Sometimes drugs are nothng. If you work with your brain you can pass everything. Again Bravo...not many do it....wrong...not anyone does it nowdays.

About the give-take relationship. I may have to say i passed throught that and when i understand that i fellt...mucho mucho depressed. I mean if you think about it it's ALL about give and take...nothing else nothing more. Even about the "good" deeds they are made for a personal thingie. They are made for egoistic, economic, self-estteem reasons. Purely that's the truth. But then when i was returning home it struck me. Yes maybe they are but hell no these relationship isn't the future. Society cannot grow and procrate by those kind of relationships. After all, Human is a civilised person and when it will understand it in its purest form it will understand that only by feeling that the other is him/herself and that we are all the same but also all the different will the human civilisation get enought into the future. So it's not nature's things for the give-take. It's just a false idea that has been created to humans dew to their animal instincts of conquerism, egoism and etc.
The good thing is that the right relationships exist today. There are people and there were people that have this way of thinking. We live in a world that give and take is loosing its strength and that is something nice.
Yes it does exist and this kind of relationship still wins over the purest ones (even in families) but if every one of us fights it and understands what it should be done then it will change wholly...not now of course...the next hundrends years

I'm not sure how much "good-written" the above post is..but i hope i said something you needed to know.

ending it...no human is a fraud whatever happens each and everyone that lives on these universes however small they are can make a diference (melodramatic? )

[Tamara]

ha, pleto's still around I see

I appreciate the comments but this was written over a year ago .. at the moment I am feeling supremely happy with the world .. several months of terrible & depressing weather have just ended, the sun is starting to shine every day, people have suddently stopped hiding indoors to come out and relax, bask in the sun and chat .. life is just good.

Hey fairygodmother, yes of course I remember you. There was a time I was known for my somewhat obsessive knowledge of every semi-regular AG member Thanks for the compliments

[Intrepid Homoludens]

Originally Posted by Tamara

There was a time I was known for my somewhat obsessive knowledge of every semi-regular AG member...

And what did you know about me?

[Tamara]

wouldn't you like to know