[MoriartyL]

I'm sorry, Jazhara7. You probably didn't want this to go on; you probably don't want your assumed title challenged any further. Besides, we both know I'd win, so maybe there's a bit of fear there too. But it must be done, you see, it must be done. Do you see that door there? -->

[The door is open.]

It's open, see? No closure. No closing door. No door-closing. Not even half-way, you see- it must be done. The Empire's legacy must still be won. Or maybe just called into question a little bit. You know what, maybe I don't need to start this again; maybe I could just put it in question now and be done with it. Yes, sounds good enough. Here goes: "Are you absolutely certain that you are the Loony-

What in the name of quantum physics are you doing in my classroom?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a classroom. The door's open, see, and it's not closed yet, no sir, not closed. That's why you were able to come in, yes?-APART from the fact that it's your classroom, yes, of course it's your classroom, and a nice classroom it is, and I see all the little kiddies are here too. But the point is the door. It needs to be closed, yes? I'll just go and close it now, see?

Oh, that won't be necessary- just walk out; It's closed already.
Ah yes, that makes perfect sense, I'll just leave now, I'll just

WHAM

I seem to recall telling you the door was closed already.

Oh, yes. It's coming back to me now, and
yes- You did in fact say the door was closed.
I'll just leave now, yes?
WHAM
Oh right, the door is closed.
Um, I'll just jump out the window then, yes?

...

Aaa aaaa aaa...
SPLAT

To business, then. I see that most of you are missing today. Good, good- it means I'll have an excuse to murder them a tiny bit. Today we will be learning LUNACOLOGY, which is, as you all should know, the science of-

I think you made that word up.

Shut up, little hamster. Now, who remembers where we left off?







Good, good! I think I'm going to have a lot of fun. We left off following the self-proclaimed Loony One and a challenger to the title with vastly superior powers of Loon.

Um, are you sure the Loony Empress wasn't loonier? Because-

Of course!
I don't think you appreciate that I am a science teacher, small rodent. I deal only with issues of absolute fact!
Now, we left off with the two facing off in a most primitive manner. He took pity and attacked with mere limericks, while she cowered in fear.

I'm pretty sure that's not how it-

See me after class. HE held on to his style of poetry, and as we all know a repetitive style is not loony enough! NOT LOONY ENOUGH! NOT LOONY ENOUGH! And she not only repeated her old tricks, but also repeating adventure cliches, and even mimicking her opponents' tactics? WHAT IS LOONY ABOUT THIS, I ASK YOU? There is nothing loony about it. It is all too sensible, too obvious. TRUE LUNACY revolves around nonsensical improvisations! It demands a careful discarding of all those parts of the brain which do not promote lunacy, when they are not promoting lunacy and instead promoting the mere silliness displayed by followers of the school of thought which says that looniness is but a-

Will this all be on the test?

Why, absolutely!

Ohhhh...

I was afraid of this...

But...

Not the test!...

Ugggghhh...

Yay!

I hereby bequeath...

WHY? WHY?

Bleck!

AA AA AA AA!! I've had enough of this! I've had enough of your squeaky whining!
WE ARE LEARNING LUNACOLOGY!!!!!

[A few are still alive.]

Ahhh, that's MUCH better. I should have done that ages ago. So where were we? Oh, yes, the battle. Well, the champion had the vorpal blade in his possession (the source of his lunacy), which can only be defeated by a very specific legendary weapon. It rested in the Malted Marsh, guarded by vicious sea lions, in the Realm of Rynot which is invisible to the naked eye, in the Land of Lispher, which can only be reached via the Passageway of Peril, itself guarded by a very expensive cave trolley. The only way to reach the passageway is via the magical Gelled Gate, which must be at just the right temperature to appear. The weapon itself can only be discovered (while in the Malted Marsh) through underwater pixel-hunting. For no particular reason, the heroic one had made up his mind to surrender any and all of this information if his foe should merely ask. But she did not. By the time she found out about the weapon, and began to suspect that it was in fact the Great Frying Pan of Rhetoric, a particularly hungry sea lion had swallowed it and rendered it quite unusable.

This brings us to our current chapter in the saga. Over the principle that doing is better than telling, the rule was proposed that each blow should top its predecessor, until one participant can no longer get any loonier. In this very scientific way, they would determine who was the loonier of the two. Now then, let's open to Page 14, and we shall begin.

DING DONG

Excuse me...

KABOOM!! (went the explosion)

..and all was silent.

[RLacey]

A real loony wouldn't try that hard to be crazy .

[Maquisard]

I now pronounce you Emperor Napoleon of the Loonatic Asylum!

[MoriartyL]

Oh my, I'm red from ear to ear:
The forum told me she was here,
But now I wait, and what I see
Implies it may have lied to me.
It hurt my feelings on this night;
I thought my timing was all right,
I saw that she was wandering 'round
The forum, but she can't be found.
Perhaps I scared her off, I wonder?
That would have been quite a blunder.
Or perhaps, at this late hour
She does not have all her power.
In that case, I understand.
(Hardly cause for reprimand.)
In any case, it's as they say:
Tomorrow is another day.

To RLacey, by the way:
If I'm normal, as you say,
Jazhara should have little trouble
Reducing all my tricks to rubble.
But the fight has just begun;
Still no telling who has won.

[Maquisard]

Oh, you're teh winner for sure, just in a whole different category.

[bysmitty]

Dude, give it up. You are genuinely weird, especially when the future of exploration in Metroid is in question, and you can bust out some phat rhymes but I think this contest was settled a long time ago.

Anyways, you never proposed how "a winner" would be decided so to what end are you working?

...bysmitty

[MoriartyL]

I had bananas today.
I don't like bananas, but I ate them anyway.
Isn't that weird?

The banana king is angry!
You've eaten his people!

All seek the banana realm, though few find it.
How many bananas can even fit in there?
I'm not sure I know.

BANANA CREAM PIE

9" pie crust
packet of banana pudding
wafer cookies
bananas
hot lava
whipped cream

Layer the bananas in thin slices on the bottom of the crust.
Pour the pudding over the crust and bananas.
Then lay wafer cookies over the pudding.
Cover the top with whipped cream, then refrigerate.
Finally, dunk the pie in hot lava and eat.

How many bananas does it take to change a lightbulb?
I think the answer is seventy-four.
You pick them up and throw them and hope you hit the right bulb,
And leave the shattered remains on the floor.

What, they were supposed to put a new bulb in too?
Pooh pooh.

Death to bananas!

One banana, two bananas, three bananaaAAIIIIIEEE!!!
Four bananas, five bananas, six bananaAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!
Hey, nosehairs are not for pulling!

Here is a banana, laying on the ground.
We shall do a little science experiment with it.
We will see how long it can sit there and remain edible.
This is a very very important scientific study, you see.
Never mind the mud it's laying in- that's just part of the-
NO! NO ELEPHANTS WANTED! PLEASE, DON'T SMUSH THE BANANA!
("Squish said the ant. Oh, and the banana. Right.")

Gee, I don't know how to top that. I guess you win.

Victory is mine! Now you will have to stop calling yourself the Loony Empress.

Oh, sure, but I never called myself the Loony Empress. I'm just a fictional character, really. I've never called myself anything but a fictional character. And I only called myself that right now.

Oh.

Yeah, but if you'd like, you could stop calling yourself the Loony Empress.

Sounds like a plan.

[Jolaes]

end?
...to a proposal, no doubt
How convenient it is that imaginary kingdoms are so easy to unite!

The poem is pretty witty;
Carroll I always admired,
so tell us Mory,
was it him who inspired
your
work?

[MoriartyL]

I must admit, he helped a bit
In shaping my view on lunacy.
How could he not, when he has got
Lines like "The Snark was a Boojum, you see."?

But in this case, you are quite wrong;
It's not Mr. Lewis that inspired the song,
But the writer of "Danny" and "Charlie" and "James"
The writer whose nonsense got many acclaims.
For the inspiration for the poem, truth be told
Was my other favorite, Mr. Roald.
Okay, so I don't rhyme quite as well as he.
But the jump of the rhythm is quite plain to see.

[MoriartyL]

You know, the real goal (if it can be believed)
Is something which I have already achieved!
For the goal I'm seeking is not so much glory
(although, I suppose, that does enter the story)
But a much more obvious prize to be won:
How can I lose, when I'm having fun?

[Jelena]

You can be titled anything but loony emperor, 'cause it's already taken. Pick a title of your own and we shall worship you.
This fight, you cannot win.

EDIT: Now I see the post above. Go ahead amuse yourself, but I still think that Jaz is the looniest there is.

[Jolaes]

You might consider compiling a volume if you haven't already done so.

Nihil Obstat.

We expect further notification on locations of upcoming cons and selling autographs

[Lucien21]

No Contest really.

Jaz is the Looney Empress.

[UPtimist]

Maybe Moriarty is the princess?

[Sage]

Originally Posted by UPtimist

Maybe Moriarty is the princess?

Now there's a horrifying thought.

[RLacey]

I sense that Mory is going to be disappointed. If he actually cares, of course.

[MoriartyL]

We shall see.

[RLacey]

Or not, as the case may be. I may be biased in this, but I have a feeling that Jaz will actually trump anything you care to post here (in terms of sheer looniness).

[MoriartyL]

As it should be. That is the point- I put the first post so that she may top it, then I top that and so on. I don't see why all of you are so quick to judge the outcome (in either direction) before Jazhrifh has made a single move. Patience, little hamsters.

[UPtimist]

Wazoo.

I think the J to the Z might not be responding herr.

Prove us wrong. Eh?

I could beat either one of you. That's loony to say, huh? Well, that means I'm more loony than either one of you, meaning I win. Loony, eh? I win. I create an infinite loop of getting loony +1, so I have infinite loony, compared to your limited, if maybe large, amount. So, my staple amount might be smaller, but with the loop I get infinite, winning you.

Ha!

You can't touch this.