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Old 06-02-2008, 03:33 AM   #2219
Jatsie
Lovable rogue
 
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 6,378
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I’m back, and it’s a new me! Well, sort of, well, hopefully. I just needed to take a little break from everything in my life for a while. I’ve been a complete mess this year, 2008 hasn’t been good for me thus far. I’ve been steadily spiralling out of control, along a path of increasingly self-destructive behaviour. Firstly I’ve been drinking too much when I go out, far beyond excess. On a typical night out I’d be regularly consuming a minimum 20 units of alcohol. As a result on about 90% of occasions I would black out at some point throughout the evening, and have large gaps in my memory, often having no idea how I even got home. This lead to even worse things, many times I wouldn’t even get home, I’d wake up in some strange place with a person whose name I didn’t know, and whose face I didn’t even recognise. On an occasion that I went on a trip to London, I lost my friends in a club, blacked out, got kidnapped by some man. I woke up the next morning to find myself in a towerblock in the ghetto, from which I had to escape, and was lucky not to have been raped, murdered, chopped into small pieces and thrown into the river Thames. I only had enough money on me to get onto a crowded bus, and I stood there for an hour clutching a pole in one hand, my Selfridges bag in the other, and hiding behind dark glasses as I waited to get to Marble Arch. Then to top it off, there was the night that I was so paralytic I allowed a dastardly taxi driver to steal my precious wallet.

The strange thing was that during this time I was aware that my actions were dangerous, and I didn’t like what was happening, yet somehow I was unable, or unwilling to stop myself, and week after week I kept repeating the same behaviour. I felt like my life was playing out like the Madonna song “Bad Girl”. Thankfully something finally clicked, and I realised that I couldn’t continue down this path any longer, and something absolutely had to change. Just to show how fucked up my priorities were, it wasn’t the frankly horrifying incident in London that acted as a wake-up call, it was the theft of my wallet. Apparently in my mind some stupid Louis Vuitton wallet that I can easily go and replace is more valuable than my own personal safety. Now what exactly does that say about my mindset? So anyway, I completely extricated myself from the situation, I’ve stopped going out, and I’ve stopped drinking. The last month I’ve just spent quietly reflecting on things, and reading a book, and I feel much better for it.

I really don’t know what caused this to happen, because it’s totally out of character for me, I’m usually so in control. My best theory is that it may have something to do with my total disillusionment with the gay scene. When I first began frequenting gay clubs in 2006 I enjoyed it, it was all new and almost exciting. Then over time the novelty wore off, and I began to see things for what they really were. I wasn’t meeting the sort of guys I wanted to meet. Gay clubs are essentially a meat market, filled with guys looking for nothing more than some tawdry hook up, the complete opposite of what I was interested in. Despite all this I kept going, as where else do gay men congregate en masse? I was going more out of compulsion than because I wanted to. So in order to cope with everything I disliked I think I drank more, choosing to escape into the bottom of my glass, which ironically caused me to be sucked into the very world I despised. I also found myself rather bored, the quality of music in these places was deteriorating, so it was no longer fun to dance. When ennui sets in I need to find something to occupy my attention, so if I had a drink in my hand I’d keep sipping it, then I’d go off and refill it, and repeat for the entire night.

I can’t say it helped that none of the people I go out seemed to take any issue with what I was doing. I was just the funny drunk one with all the entertaining stories. For me it was easier just to become numb to what I was doing, and laugh and make light of it.

That’s all over now, however, I feel like I’m back in control of things, and I feel much better for it. I’m off on my holiday to Portugal tomorrow with my friend, for ten lovely days of relaxation in the sun. It should be lots of fun, and a welcome break. If anyone* would like a postcard, PM me your postal address and one shall be whistling its way to you in the coming days!

*Offer subject to terms, limited availability, only open to people with whom I have a degree of friendly relationship, or have shared cordial discourse. One per person, may not be exchanged for cash alternative.
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"Jatsie is amazing." - Jazhara

"My mental image of Jat is a gentleman sitting in a leather armchair, wearing a robe. The light in the room is dim and strangely he's not sitting in front of a computer, but next to a small, round table with a box of cigars on." - Jelena

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