*wails and moans, gnashing his teeth and excoriating himself mercilessly* Oh cruel merciless fate, to have taken her very womanhood away before ere we met. Oh cruel, unjust forum, that you should yet breathe freely whilst fair Squinky lay unsexed and unloved by all save me is the gravest injustice. Would that it were within my power, I would have you dragged through the streets from the back of the fastest chariot, oh villainous forum.
*settles into comforting the poor lady*
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