I'm sorry, Jazhara7. You probably didn't want this to go on; you probably don't want your assumed title challenged any further. Besides, we both know I'd win, so maybe there's a bit of fear there too. But it must be done, you see, it must be done. Do you see that door there? -->
[The door is open.]
It's open, see? No closure. No closing door. No door-closing. Not even half-way, you see- it must be done. The Empire's legacy must still be won. Or maybe just called into question a little bit. You know what, maybe I don't need to start this again; maybe I could just put it in question now and be done with it. Yes, sounds good enough. Here goes: "Are you
absolutely certain that you are the Loony-
What in the name of quantum physics are you doing in my classroom?
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a classroom. The door's open, see, and it's not closed yet, no sir, not closed. That's why you were able to come in, yes?-
APART from the fact that it's your classroom, yes, of course it's your classroom, and a nice classroom it is, and I see all the little kiddies are here too. But the point is the door. It needs to be closed, yes? I'll just go and close it now, see?
Oh, that won't be necessary- just walk out; It's closed already.
Ah yes, that makes perfect sense, I'll just leave now, I'll just
WHAM
I seem to recall telling you the door was closed already.
Oh, yes. It's coming back to me now, and
yes- You did in fact say the door was closed.
I'll just leave now, yes?
WHAM
Oh right, the door is closed.
Um, I'll just jump out the window then, yes?
...
Aaaaaaaaaa...
SPLAT
To business, then. I see that most of you are missing today. Good, good- it means I'll have an excuse to murder them a tiny bit. Today we will be learning LUNACOLOGY, which is, as you all should know, the science of-
I think you made that word up.
Shut up, little hamster. Now, who remembers where we left off?
Good, good! I think I'm going to have a lot of fun. We left off following the self-proclaimed Loony One and a challenger to the title with vastly superior powers of Loon.
Um, are you sure the Loony Empress wasn't loonier? Because-
Of course!
I don't think you appreciate that I am a science teacher, small rodent. I deal only with issues of absolute fact!
Now, we left off with the two facing off in a most primitive manner. He took pity and attacked with mere limericks, while she cowered in fear.
I'm pretty sure that's not how it-
See me after class. HE held on to his style of poetry, and as we all know a repetitive style is not loony enough! NOT LOONY ENOUGH! NOT LOONY ENOUGH! And she not only repeated her old tricks, but also repeating adventure cliches, and even mimicking her opponents' tactics? WHAT IS LOONY ABOUT THIS, I ASK YOU? There is nothing loony about it. It is all too sensible, too obvious. TRUE LUNACY revolves around nonsensical improvisations! It demands a careful discarding of all those parts of the brain which do not promote lunacy, when they are not promoting lunacy and instead promoting the mere silliness displayed by followers of the school of thought which says that looniness is but a-
Will this all be on the test?
Why, absolutely!
Ohhhh...
I was afraid of this...
But...
Not the test!...
Ugggghhh...
Yay!
I hereby bequeath...
WHY? WHY?
Bleck!
AAAAAAAA!! I've had enough of this! I've had enough of your squeaky whining!
WE ARE LEARNING LUNACOLOGY!!!!!
[A few are still alive.]
Ahhh, that's MUCH better. I should have done that ages ago. So where were we? Oh, yes, the battle. Well, the champion had the vorpal blade in his possession (the source of his lunacy), which can only be defeated by a very specific legendary weapon. It rested in the Malted Marsh, guarded by vicious sea lions, in the Realm of Rynot which is invisible to the naked eye, in the Land of Lispher, which can only be reached via the Passageway of Peril, itself guarded by a very expensive cave trolley. The only way to reach the passageway is via the magical Gelled Gate, which must be at just the right temperature to appear. The weapon itself can only be discovered (while in the Malted Marsh) through underwater pixel-hunting. For no particular reason, the heroic one had made up his mind to surrender any and all of this information if his foe should merely ask. But she did not. By the time she found out about the weapon, and began to suspect that it was in fact the Great Frying Pan of Rhetoric, a particularly hungry sea lion had swallowed it and rendered it quite unusable.
This brings us to our current chapter in the saga. Over the principle that doing is better than telling, the rule was proposed that each blow should top its predecessor, until one participant can no longer get any loonier. In this very scientific way, they would determine who was the loonier of the two. Now then, let's open to Page 14, and we shall begin.
DING DONG
Excuse me...
KABOOM!! (went the explosion)
..and all was silent.
